Resolutions 2010

Its odd that the new year period for both Islamic and Gregorian calendars have overlapped, but that is no barrier for setting resolutions for the next year. Given that the first few days of the Islamic new year are conducive to reflection as we commemorate the eternal sacrifice of Imam Husayn (A), there might actually be more meaning in what I put down.

I'm setting very few goals this year, but the short number is offset by the magnitude of each. I think I should set one major goal for each area of my life, maybe two, three at the most.

Here goes....

Physical/ Health.

I'm not in the best of health. There was a time last year when, in implementation of a new dietary plan, I lost more than two stones (12 kg/ 28lb), whilst eating my fill. This I did simply by replacing all the junk in my diet with stuff that was positively beneficial for me. This I lost whilst still not exercising. Since then, I have slipped, but that I have done it before means I know I can do it again, and I intend to. Not just that, but implement a regular exercise regimen, and maybe incorporate the study of a martial art as well. The last I am not sure I will keep...I will see how it goes, but the other two I definitely want to.

Mental/ Intellectual

Take a look at the Fantastic Super Awesome Reading List. It is my aim to read every book on that list, and then some. In addition to which, at this time of writing, I have 75 books (yes, I counted) in my house, most of which I have not read, so I aim to finish them off as well, and either give them away, or sell them, or keep the best. I think a target of 25-40 books a year (1 book for every 10 days to 2 weeks) should be ok, in addition to covering a substantial amount of the poetry.

Creative output.

Here the goal is simple...create what comes, whether it be art or poetry photography or prose, or musings or oddments. Just keep the writing going, and develop.

Lifestyle

I wrote on minimalism some time ago, but am yet to implement any but the most token of actions in this respect. I guess that now might as well be as good a time as any to try and implement them. I want to have only what I need, and to do so requires a different frame of mind than the one I have now.

Islamic/ Spiritual.

The most important one, and here I have to be careful in what I write, for I know I'm capable of big words and few actions, though it should always be the other way around. The general goal here is to develop, and my specific goal is to catch up on missed prayers and fasts. This is my primary goal, for I feel the overdue compulsory acts hinder my doing supererogatory ones, as I always end up feeling that I should be doing the former. I also intend to implement one supererogatory act into my daily routine, and do it everyday without fail. I'm not particularly sure what that will be, but will have decided by the time the 40 day challenge starts, which I intend to use as the period to lock the said habit into place.

So there we have it, 8 goals, spread across 5 areas of life. I expect it to be tough, but I am ready. Bring on the new year.

...

They were late,
but dark is the heart of the host.
And not from
his eyes, will tears flow the most
But though late,
He is glad that the tears flow
maybe in
time, they will not be so slow
[the tale of] sacrifice
awakens other than flesh and bone
proving that
his heart, at least, is not yet stone
now to hope
and pray that he sets things aright
and undo
all wrong before the soul takes flight

The 40 Day Challenge Revisited...

For those who have not read them previously, I direct readers to the original challenge, and to the post-mortem. It is hard to believe that a year has gone since, and harder still to believe that I will close out this year in spiritual loss, rather than in gain, though the year opened most promisingly.

Still, the time comes again, and the holy month of Muharram has begun again, and just like the holy month of Ramadhan brings with it the hope of spiritual renewal and rejuvenation, as contemplation of the grand sacrifice of Imam Husayn (as) guides us to what is important in our lives on a countless number of levels. The Imams (as) have said that their graves are in the hearts of the believers, and maybe I can set myself properly upon that path, or lay the foundations for doing so. I keep imagining visions of the grand numbers of grand acts that I intend doing, but I'm not sure this is the right way. If I can just grow enough to be sincere, and purge myself of bad habits, I will be content.

I know I failed last time, and will probably fail again this time as well, but as before, so again: I believe that my growth lies in attempting this to the best of my ability - even in failure there will be something to be grateful for. I quote the defining tradition again:

Whoever dedicates himself to God for forty days, will find springs of wisdom sprout out of his heart and flow on his tongue
- Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)
For any who attempt the same at the same time I do, or any time in their lives, I wish them well.

The Fantastic Super Awesome Reading List

I asked a few people that I respect to give me a reading list that broadens one. This is the result (which I was told is not comprehensive), which I have tried to group in some semblance of order. I had ordered it differently, but I think it will be better this way. Gone is the complicated colour scheme, and the way I sort them is changed as well. Series are highlighted, with only the first two listed. Enjoy, and I'm always looking for new stuff to read, so if you don't see your fave, recommend it. There was poetry and religious books as well, but I think they both need to be distinct from this main list, so I'll either find some way to incorporate these, or give them their own lists.

v1.0 - 17/12/09
v2.0 - 24/09/10

The Top Faves:

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card
Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby
Chaos by James Gleick
Affluenza by Oliver James
Gladstone by Roy Jenkins
1984 by George Orwell
The Blank Slate by Stephen Pinker
Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather
Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts
The Snowball by Alice Schroeder
I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith
Walden by Henry David Thoreau
The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak


The Best of the Rest:

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe by Douglas Adams
(+3 more)
Watership Down by Richard Adams
Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
For One More Day by Mitch Albom
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
Stonefather by Orson Scott Card
Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz
Essays by Ralph Waldo Emerson
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
Moab is my Washpot by Stephen Fry
The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn
Grass for His Pillow by Lian Hearn
(+3 more)
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez
Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Hatchet by Gary Poulsen
The Colour of Magic, by Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic, by Terry Pratchett
(+36(!!) more)
Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman
Nation, by Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone by JK Rowling
Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets by JK Rowling
(+5 more)
The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
Walking by Henry David Thoreau
Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Angel's Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon


To Read:

Clash of Fundamentalisms by Tariq Ali
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
The Inferno by Dante Alighieri
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Metaphysics by Aristotle
Physics by Aristotle
Politics by Aristotle
Rhetoric by Aristotle
Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis
Class Warfare by Noam Chomsky
Deterring Democracy by Noam Chomsky
Failed States: The Abuse of Power and the Assault on Democracy by Noam Chomsky
Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media by Noam Chomsky
Necessary Illusions by Noam Chomsky
World Orders Old and New by Noam Chomsky
The Fateful Triangle by Noam Chomsky
The Responsibility of Intellectuals by Noam Chomsky
Existentialism for Beginners by Richard Cogswell
Because of Winn Dixie by Kate DiCamillo
Gaza: The Crossroads of History by Richard Doughty
Politics and Justice by Frederick Douglas
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
An Unexpected Light: Travels in Afghanistan by Jason Elliot
Manifesto of the Communist Party by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels
To Have or to Be? by Erich Fromm
The Luxe by Anna Godbersen
A Little History of the World by Gombrich
Mathematics: From the Birth of Numbers by Jan Gullberg
The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid
The Tragedy of the Commons by Garrett Hardin
Tess of the D'urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
Zanzibar Chest by Aidan Hartley
Elements of the Philosophy of Right by Hegel
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
The Other Side of the Bridge by Mary Lawson
Heaven's Net is Wide by Lian Hearn
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
Sword of Darkness by Kinley Macgregor
The Cairo Trilogy by Naguib Mahfouz
I3tirafat al 3oshaq by Mustafa Mahmood
Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson & David Relin
A Bend in the River by V. S. Naipaul
The Allegory of the Cave by Plato
The Republic by Plato
Educating Rita by Willy Russell
Mayada by Jean Sasson
The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith
The Poet of Baghdad by Jo Tatchell
Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau
Herald of Freedom by Henry David Thoreau
Life Without Principle by Henry David Thoreau
Night and Moonlight by Henry David Thoreau
The Battle of the Ants by Henry David Thoreau
Why I Went To The Woods by Henry David Thoreau
The Ragged Trousered Philanthropist by Robert Tressell
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism by Max Weber
A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn

Dragon Ball GT

aaaand done! At 64 episodes, this definitely is the shortest of the series, and worth a watch. Developed without the original creator, these are technically non-canonical, though the creator has indicated satisfaction with the way the series turns out. And so the story of Goku finishes - just the movies to watch, though that can wait for a couple of months anyway. Watching this has been pure pleasure. The whole series has also sparked some thoughts on what it means to be a hero - expect a post on this sometime soon.

Dragon Ball

So I watched the prequel series (153 episodes) after watching Dragon Ball Z. Was worth every minute. Funnier too. Totally recommended. I enjoyed this series more, if that is possible, than the other, because I feel it captured more life than the other, and reflected it better. And as I wrote about in the other post, this is even more than the other, about friendship, struggle, and victory, and a testament to the creator's imagination. Next up is Dragon Ball GT (64 Episodes), and the movies.

DarkSabre

For my fellow Star Wars fans:

***************

Fear leads to anger
Anger leads to hate
Hate leads to suffering
And you'll fall to the dark side.
That's the long way.
The short way is when
you're seduced by power
and want it for your self.
There are always only two Sith;
one to embody power,
and one to crave it.
You'd think I fell the short way
craving power
But I was more complex
and took the long route instead
because then I'm the fallen hero
with an epic backstory
who could have been great
whose fear came from
loving someone too much
and fearing their loss
and allowing that to be my weakness.
Ironic that a good trait
leads me astray.
It's done now.
I'm not sorry.
I serve darkness.
I serve myself.
And...it feels good.
So be careful
and stay out of my way
lest you face the red sword
that glows
A picture of it
and that of my mask
the final image
your brain ever sees.

**********************

With equal amounts of gratitude and apology to George Lucas.

[Fiction] A Letter

March 25,

The Middle of Nowhere.

Greetings, my dearest.

I hope this letter reaches you in the best of health - I will worry incessantly if not. I received your letter of the 20th yesterday morning, and it has taken me till now to be able to draft a fitting reply. I will have you know that I laughed, cringed, frowned and smiled at the appropriate places in your letter. Reading it felt like listening to you, it had all your expressions and turns of phrase, and if you had somehow been magically transported here and read it aloud, I would be hard pressed to tell the difference, such is the presence you leave behind in your letters. I was glad to be able to lose myself in the minutiae of your daily life, and felt a warm glow after reading it, as I do with all your letters. I do wonder how you manage to put up with my handwriting though.

I have a story to tell you...something quite interesting happened to me yesterday. I got propositioned, by three different women. In all cases, I smiled gently and pointed to the ring on my left hand, and sort of hinted at the fact that they might have had a chance were I not attached. The truth is that they never would, but I had to let them down gently. Though I am sure they have already seen my wedding band, I point it out to them, just in case, and in order to allow them to save face, for which I am sure they are grateful. One of them hinted that the presence of a wedding ring was not excuse enough, and I had to gently yet not without force make the point that I was unavailable. Poor girl must have been really desperate. My colleagues are both envious that I get such attention, and credulous that I turn such down. Brutes. I hope they don't get married until they grow up.

The end of this dreary project cannot come soon enough; I cannot see it lasting more than 10 days, after which, I'm all yours. I want to make up for being away for so long...I think I'll take you on a trip when I come back - anywhere, your choice. You have from now to decide where we will go - choose wisely! I don't think I need to work for a while after this one, so time is no object. Also, something has been occupying my thoughts recently. I wish to talk to you about this, but I think it is too important for a letter, so I will discuss this when we meet face to face.

This letter, or at most, the next one, should be the last you get before I am able to come home. Till then, I remain...

Yours.

Poem Experiment

I did something interesting with a friend of mine, where I wrote a line, and then she, till we had between us a whole poem.

It's unusual, in that it doesn't sound like one of mine, or one of hers. Fascinating.

I reached out for the light
Mezmerised by its rays
and held some in my hand
watching it fade away.

I was sad to see it go
the dark left me feeling alone
i turned and walked the other way
On my way back home

my heart felt cold like stone
i knew something was amiss
there was an aching in my soul
a sense too far from bliss

there was a throbbing in my skull
a result of too much thought
There was no place i wanted to go
there was nothing that i sought

I made my decision then
I'll adapt to feeling so alone
I'll always have myself
I'll look for the truth within

Dragon Ball Z

I've done it! I've watched all 291 episodes in the space of one month. It sounds, bad, I know, but I have no regrets. I've no idea why I've binged so much on a story. Perhaps I could have rationed it so that I watched an episode a day, and so make it last nearly 10 months, but that's not in keeping with the character of the story, which is remarkably similar to the kind of book which keeps you up all night, as your mind constantly wants to know what happens next. (As an aside, I think this happens because of a sort of emotional bond you form with the characters.)

At its very core, its about friendship, struggle, and victory, and these, I guess, are universals. Change the plot, change the characters, change anything you want, these three should always permeate the story, in the same way that they are woven into the very fabric of human existence. Art should reflect life, and in this case, it definitely reflects that particular aspect.

I do feel that the plots sometimes are cyclical, and that sometimes there are too many loopholes, but overall I don't feel it detracts too much from the story. And the action sequences are beautiful. They make me want to take up martial arts.

Right now I've started the original series that preceded it (Dragon Ball), and will soon after be following that with the sequel series (Dragon Ball GT). I might do this in the next month, or over the next year, or even longer, but I know I have to. Now that I'm hooked, I really do want to find out what happens next.

[Fiction] The Dream Duel

Inside, I felt the darkness of the creature I faced, and struggled with my own darkness within, which wanted to join it. For a few seconds, the possibility that I would not fight, but would simply give up and join the dark side remained very, very real. I don't know how I managed to achieve it, but the feeling subsided, and I was in control of my body again. For now, at least. I didn't know it then, but it was a gift, and it saved me in more ways than one.

I prepared to fight, but even the most optimistic of people would have said my chances of success were slim to none. I wasn't even armed. But it didn't matter to me. I had been too close to succumbing before to consider any thoughts of loss. I would fight, no matter what. That was all there was to it.

It was then that something amazing happened. I felt an intense sensation. It was so intense that I had to shut my eyes for a few seconds. I was flooded... I think I may have glowed in those few moments, but I can't be sure. I think describing it as a sort of mixture of communion and meditation is the best I can do. And, as I experienced it, I knew that I only got to experience it once I had resigned to fighting, without any care for whether I won or not. Retrospectively, it seems, that was the correct choice.

I gained some knowledge at that point that I knew was crucial to my win, and got gifted with a tremendous amount of energy, and heightened awareness. I turned around and saw her, somehow knowing she would be there. She was beautiful, unlike any horse I had ever seen, pure white, emitting a soft golden glow. And she was waiting for me. I looked into her eyes for a few seconds, and I knew that she would take me wherever I needed to go, with no need for communication.

We charged at the creature, whose very being seemed to be darkness itself. As we got closer, I began to plot how I would get close to its heart, its size being many multiples of my own. And then I knew what I would do.

I reached for the sword on my belt, and drew it. It wasn't there before, but I knew it would be there now, another gift from the one who had saved me. It glowed with a soft white light as I held it before me. We picked up speed, and when were were close enough, she jumped. Her timing was perfect, and the jump took me almost all the way, at the peak of which, I jumped from her, gaining the crucial extra length to reach it's heart. I plunged the sword in as far as I could, and left it there.

Then, I fell. And landed badly.

I had done my job, and it looked like I had won, and in a manner of speaking, I had. It would die. What I didn't expect was that it was going to explode, and in so doing, incinerate me. It swelled. I saw the horse and the sword disappear, as if they had just been mirages, and waited for the explosion, and my accompanying death. I didn't mind dying that much, for I was finally glad to have done some good. I saw the creature swell some more, to it's bursting point, and then explode. I saw a white fiery wave of fire consume the space between where the creature had stood, and me, and crossed my arms. I knew as I did it that doing so would not protect me, yet I felt better for doing so. I held the pose, waiting for my end, which I assumed would be in the next second or two ....

... and then woke up. It was (obviously) all a dream, and I felt somewhat cheated. I had been expecting my impending death, and had made peace with dying, only to find out I had only been dreaming. It had been remarkably vivid. And there was evidently some message behind it, which bugged me. The dream occupied my waking thoughts, and I was not entirely present in the company of all who knew me. They were aware something was up, but I didn't tell them I was being haunted by a dream, for fear they wouldn't understand.

But there was someone who would. I visited my old master as soon as I could, and found him deep in thought. Thankfully his meditation had nearly finished, and in a tumble of words I described my dream, though not feeling I had done it justice. His next words, however, completely startled me.

"It's about time!"

Apparently, my dream was a sort of rite of passage. And I had passed, by choosing good over evil, even as I slept. The dream takes a different form for each who experiences it, with the general message of a fight between good and evil, and a specific message for the person involved, correlating to an element of his (or her!) life. My master's, apparently, involved fighting evil food with a special sauce.

"What!?!"
"It's true. Believe it or not, I was quite the glutton in my youth. And so the dream had a message for me."
"So the monster, the horse, the sword, they all mean something? Something specific to me?"
"Exactly."
"But I have no idea what it could possibly be!"
"Don't worry. You have enough time to figure it out. And I'm sure you will... you're smart enough. Let me know when you find out"

I left soon after, glad to have my initial question answered, not so glad to have more take its place. One thing, however, my master was able to explain to me:

"That you were content with dying and had made your peace shows your courage. Not many people are willing to die for the sake of doing good. If you remain focused on what you need to do, not just regarding this dream, but also in life generally, you will achieve greatness. I am sure of it"

High praise indeed, and I felt unworthy of such. Reflecting on those words made me grateful that our paths had crossed, and I smiled a half smile, quickening my pace, determined to repay my master's faith in me.

[Fiction] Flowers

It was a beautiful day, almost too beautiful for what he was going to do. The sun was out, the sky was clear, birds were singing. People were actually happy, or so it seemed. In any case, the weather didn't really matter. He had done this on days when the weather was good as well as when it was bad, sometimes even when it was horrible.

He sat a few steps away, holding a bouquet in his hands. A mix of white and red roses, her favourite. Emotions flowed through him, though hidden to the outside world, each particular emotion triggered by a certain memory. Occasionally, a solitary tear would flow. Sometimes he'd wipe one away, and sometimes he let them flow uninterrupted.

As intensely as he felt the emotions, it didn't last long. It never did. They subsided, and were slowly replaced by feelings of gratitude. He was grateful that he had got so lucky, that she had picked him. He was grateful that she had loved him, and that in turn he had been given the chance to love someone back. She was responsible for his transformation, from a selfish, egotistical, self absorbed idiot, to what he was today. She was gone now, but lived on, in his transformation, in his memories, in all the good she had gone in the world

He got up and walked to her grave, and gently laid the flowers beside it. He stood silently beside her grave for a few minutes, and then whispered a short prayer under his breath for her.

He then fetched a pail of water, and gently poured some on her grave, taking special care to make sure the short grass now growing there was well watered.

He left shortly after, but not before saying a small prayer for all the inhabitants of the graveyard.

He would be back soon enough.

[Fiction] Waiting

He paced about the salesfloor impatiently. Why was she taking so long? And did he dare go look for her? She was upstairs, where all the women's things were, and he knew he'd he'd look odd walking there. Or, he could go upstairs, and join the bunch of men who all hung out at the entrance to the top floor, for the very same reason he was impatiently walking about downstairs. He'd been there a few times, and it was ok, but not the best way to be spending your time.

They all knew why they were there, so no reason to speak. In previous times, some had stared impassively at the floor, others at least met his gaze and smiled the smile of comradeship. It was odd how they all knew to come to this spot and cluster together as they waited for the ladies of their lives to hurry up with what they were doing. Must be some sort of primal homing instinct that seeks out nearby tribes for protection.

He grew more impatient with her as time wore on, deciding at they very least that when they were home together, they were going to Have Words. He even started composing what he was going to say to her, and anticipating the whole range of her responses, for each of which he composed a sharp, withering, cutting retort. In a flash, however, he saw the trap he had nearly fallen into, and the consequences of such actions.

The trap had already claimed thousands, if not millions, of couples before, and would in all probability claim the same number again. Obviously, once he decided to Have Words with her, they would argue, and the argument would soon spread to other things, some of which would have no relevance to his main greivance. And it was not hard to see that there was a very real possibility that either of them would then say something that would hurt deeply, and be impossible to retract later.

Once he saw the trap for what it was, he smiled, and shook his head, and chided himself for almost too easily falling into it. And it was then just as easy to see the way out.

Of course he was stressed. And impatient.

But...

He had waited his whole life for someone like her, so waiting a few more minutes shouldn't be that hard. Whilst it might not be a pleasure, it could definitely be painless. And with similar thoughts flowing through his brain, and leading on tangentially to others, which led on to others, the remainder of his waiting time was spent pleasantly enough, and when she finally came out, she was surprised to see him in such a good mood, knowing how tetchy he usually was when they went shopping together.

On the way home, though, he was hit by an thought. If ever they were to have daughters, he decided, he would make sure they were trained to be in and out of shops in under 10 minutes. He smiled at the idea. Was that even possible?

He was going to have fun finding out.

On Music

The driving rhythm of the drums, and the subtle undertones of the bass, lay the perfect foundation for the guitar. And it doesn't disappoint, the sound of different combinations of notes merging and flowing into each other evoking different emotional responses from the listener. This one is epic, and heroic. That one can only ever be about love. That other one there is the very definition of what is cool. Another is about loneliness and sorrow. Yet another describes angst perfectly. And this one here, this one says that, whilst we don't know what's going on, everything is going to be all right. No lyrics, no vocals. None are needed. This is just from the notes of the guitar.

*sighs*

I've been music free for more than two years now. Wait, let me correct that:

I've been music free for two years now, except for a couple of lapses. The first was back in May/June of this year, where after nearly two years of music abstinence, I went back to listening to it. I was really down at the time, not that its any excuse. The second is recently, over the past week or so. I don't know what's made me go back this time, but I know I have no excuse whatsoever.

During my times of weakness, some years ago, I loved music. Specifically, I loved my own choice, which to me was based on music that could stimulate both emotional and intellectual reactions, and knowing that I had consciously chosen my own type of music instead of being force-fed stuff from around me made me love my own choices even more. Ironic now, that something I was so proud of then is a weak point now.

I can somewhat justify my choice - instrumentals of the rock, heavy metal, and classical variety, knowing that such choices, if not good for you, were nowhere near as bad for you as other kinds, but the justification rings hollow to me, and probably also to anyone who reads this. I shouldn't be listening to them, and from now on, I won't. Ever.

I don't know why we as humans are attracted to music as we are, but it's undeniable. I don't know if many look at music the way I did, or liked what I liked, but it's an academic discussion, and quite irrelevant now. I know I can hold out for years, even though my many years or music listening means that quite a few guitar solos are now etched permanently in my brain, and that everywhere I go, there is bound to be some music playing. These two factors make it tough, but not impossible to hold out, and now I'm determined to make it so.

I think I can turn this weakness into a strength by training myself to remember my Creator everytime I hear some music. Whether this will work or not remains to be found out.

God help me....

10 Haikus III

The previous 10

be careful about
doing bad with good in mind,
no good ever comes

come on, roll the dice
I'm eager to know what's next.
my fate awaits me

I was hewn from stone.
But I never knew my shape
though He always did.

energy courses
through me, looking for an out.
but what to do now?

Its dark, and lonely
But I'll be fine, as always
just give me my books.

To do it in style
is that why we like to rhyme?
or do we just whine?

You are beautiful.
forget what others say, I
see inner beauty

I'm not that worried
If I have some pain ahead
It will redeem me

Come, sit, rest, and speak
Time gives us stories to share
what have you to tell?

You reflect yourself
as within, then so without
never long hidden.

**************

I think I'm getting better, but one can never be sure. I do love writing these though.

The next 10

[Fiction] A kickabout

If you don't like football (soccer), I recommend skipping this. The end moral is the same regardless, but I draw heavily on football to illustrate what I'm trying to say.

**************

I took an unusual route home that day. For some reason, I felt like walking past the old 5-a-side astroturf, and reliving the memories of events that took place on there. A few played across my mind, some of which I smiled at, and a few at which i cringed as well. Thankfully there were not many to cringe at, but, I wondered if it could really have been so long since I zipped about the pitch as if it were my own.

I got there. There was someone alone, practicing. I saw him place the ball a fair distance from the goal, take a few steps back, and lightly run and hit the ball. It was a perfect connection, and the ball flew sweetly into the net. He fetched it, placed it in the spot, and repeated, over and over again. It flew in every time. I admired his persistence, which reminded me of my own solo training sessions. How lazy I had become in the intervening years was not something I wanted to dwell on.

I stepped on the pitch, and felt the artificial surface crunch under my shoes. He regarded my entrance with some surprise, but relaxed almost immediately, and did not indicate any discomfort with my presence, or gesture for me to leave him. I nodded. He nodded back. I motioned that I wanted the ball, and he passed it to me. It was a little off, but I reflexively trapped the ball, and brought it under my control with ease. At least I still had something left. I felt the ball through my shoes, and wished I was wearing proper football shoes, instead of the walking ones I had on. They were comfortable, yes, but they were little good for now. They would do though.

I passed it back, as did he, and we gradually increased the speed, until it was impossible to increase the tempo anymore with the ball on the ground. We started passing the ball through the air, slowly at first, allowing the ball to bounce one or twice before sending it back, before progressing to volleying it back and forth as the fell dropped out of the sky, not allowing it to touch the ground. It was exhilarating, and we kept this up for a few minutes before one of us (I won't say who) mishit the ball, and it sort of dribbled to a stop.

We rested for a while, and then resumed. After a while, I passed the ball to him, and started running towards the goal. He read my mind, and with one touch sent the ball to where I was going to be, allowing me to run on to it and comfortably hit it with a serious amount of force. It flew in, and for a brief moment, I felt young again. He acknowledged my effort with a half-nod, half-tilt of hi head. I set him up as he had for me, and watched him thump the ball into the net with more poise and grace than I had done. We continually set each other up, but bored of this quickly.

When the ball next came to me, I acted on an impulse, and began to run with the ball towards him, attempting to dribble past him. He had enough time to steel himself, and easily took the ball off me. Then he tried to dribble past me, but I got it off him, more by luck and instinct than intention. "First to five?" He nodded. Incidentally, that was the only time I remember us talking.

We were somewhat evenly matched, him having youth and me experience, so it would take some time before either of us would be successful five times in our attempts to take the ball past the other. The score was tied at three each when something amazing happened. I took the ball past him, but in the most amazing way, one I haven't been able to recreate since. As I approached him whilst running, I touched the ball three times with my right foot in quick succession. The first took the ball slightly to my left, and his right. The second moved the ball back towards my right, and his left. The third sent the ball through the tunnel which the first two touches had made his legs form, out of instinct. This happened in a flash, and I was no more aware of how I did it than he was, the surprise on my own face matching that of his.

I lost the match, in the end. I kept trying to recreate what it was that I had done, and so lost my focus. We touched palms when he won, and I set off home, leaving him to his practice. Every now and then I passed by the same route, but never saw him again, though I saw plenty of others, and occasionally played with them, always acquitting myself well, but never covering myself in glory. Those days were gone.

It is more than 5 years now, since the day I performed that trick, yet the details remain razor sharp, and I often replay it in my mind. I know I didn't consciously will it, and I know it was no unconscious reflex from training, since I had never done it before. I was aware of myself doing it, but felt a strange disconnect, as if it were not me doing it, but rather I was channeling from something greater than me. I also knew, somehow, that the attempt would work, that in that particular instance, I would be successful in what I did (I probably should have been attempting to do something else, maybe I would have been successful there). I wonder if that's what life is when body, mind and soul are united, and act as one. Is this what happens on a greater scale to Thierry Henry and Dennis Bergkamp? Did they plan those beautiful goals, or did they suddenly get inspired?

Moving away from football, is this what happens when artists, poets and writers are in "flow", and beautiful, amazing works just seem to create themselves? More importantly, is this what happens when every fibre of your being is devoted to the service of God, when you say the right thing, do the right thing, without quite knowing how, yet being dimly aware of doing so? And knowing that what you do will work? Is this what it means to be channeling from something greater than yourself? I honestly don't know...I've never experienced a moment like that since. Maybe that was just a taster of what such life is like, and the reason I experienced it during a football game was because that was the only way it would make sense to me.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm not sure I ever will.

On Haikus

I wrote in my minimalism post that perhaps maybe I wouldn't be going into writing haikus until I had developed my abilities within the framework of iambic pentameter. After all, in so doing, I wrote what I consider to be my best poem to date (The Come, Friend one). And so I reasoned that if I continued to do so, then I would develop, and write more poems of that calibre, and even better.

But...

After writing the minimalism post, I decided to write a few haikus, to try and see how it would be like. And then I wrote some more, and some more. Before I knew it, I had 10, which I posted. Now, I have posted 10 more. I like writing them. They're like tiny little fragments of life, and the 17 syllable constraint means that shaping them requires delicacy and economy, which I don't claim to have, but maybe, through writing more, I can gain. As with everything, you only get what you give, so you can see some where I clearly wasn't trying as hard as I was in others.

So I'm going to continue writing them. I don't make any claim as to the quality that will come, I'll just write what comes to me...memories, concepts, feelings, descriptions, whatever. I'll post them in sets of 10, as that seems like as good a number as any for a cut off point. 10 is also deceptively large, making it look like I've done loads, whereas 10 haikus is only 170 syllables. Also, I'll link each haiku page to the one posted before it, and after it, to maintain a semblance of continuity, as well as maybe to chronicle a gradual increase in quality, should one actually happen.

10 More Haikus

The previous 10

The game is over.
I don't want to play anymore.
You win. I give up.

Communication:
where we talk, but don't listen...
yet expect results.

I wish you the best,
on this special day for you...
It should have been me

I'm so envious
You are to go where I can't
light something for me.

tell me of legends
of great heroes, epic feats
show me why I fail

Today is unique.
Something is different, somehow
It won't be wasted.

Thief, liar, coward,
self absorbed hypocrite.
who dares come fix me?

I feel the tears flow.
proof that my heart is not stone
not much time left though.

let's push the limits
on what is superhuman
do something special.

beauty in movement.
Lets look for poetry in
motion, all the time

******

Again, just practicing, and having fun.
Again, also, don't read too much into it.

The next 10

The Melting Pot

The following are the means of creative expression I favour. Next to them, I rank my proficiency in them out of 10.

Writing, both prose and non-prose (5)
Poetry (3)
Graphics (3)
Photography (1 - well, I am new)
Drawing (1, only cause I can't give myself zero)

And the following are areas of interest to me, where I hope to continually develop (copied, word for word, from my iTunes U post, with a new addition to the end):

Mathematics
Philosophy
Art
Architecture
Science
Language
Media Studies
Literature
Politics
Astronomy
Economics
Law
Design
History
Poetry
Sociology
Theology
Linguistics
Programming
Photography

The normal worry would be that I'm spreading myself too thinly... that in choosing such a big list of diverse interests, I'll end up with a shallow understanding of each. And it might happen...I don't know for sure that it won't. But it is my belief that understanding one field increases your appreciation and ability to better understand the others. And that principles learnt in one field have dynamic, creative applications in totally different ones. And that's what I hope to achieve. To prove that diverse areas of study do not limit your understanding, but free you to understand different, overlapping facets of life.

And the link with my methods of creative expression?
Well, I hope that, as my growth in each area becomes deeper, and more profound, and the more links I can make between different areas of life, I will be better able to express it, using the means outlined above. It would also be an interesting experiment in itself to try and merge the distinct forms of expression into something altogether new.

To the glorious flowering of human potential that lies dormant within us all!

Flickr

So I'm into photography as well. I'm doing my best to develop in as many directions at the same time. I've got a camera, and a flickr account, and have been playing around with the camera to get familiar with it. The flickr account is here, and I've also added it to the sidebar on the right. I hope to be adding new pictures very soon.

EDIT: Flickr only let you have 100MB worth of uploads a month, which I have pretty much already used. 100 MB is in between 15 and 20 photos at the highest quality level. I can either take lots of lower quality photos, or only upload the very best of what I've taken every month. I'm leaning towards the latter, but I might change my mind.(Edited 04/11/09)

10 Haikus

it was silly to
doubt; now, I know I'll love you
always... forever

one of these days, I'm
going to steal you, right out
of the flow of time

Why am I always
cursed to remember? its my
own fault...damn music

I broke the old mould,
by pushing myself harder.
the new one awaits.

The fragments of the
shell fell away, leaving true
beauty... just for me

Why can't I say what...
what I really want to say?
one day, possibly

the out is broken,
the beauty inside revealed;
not much has changed

I play with numbers
its too easy, better than words.
only one right answer

I found myself here.
curiously, it was here
that I lost myself

I walked alone,
then I was with someone, now
I'm alone again.

*************

I'm just practicing. Don't read too much into it.

The next 10

Radiolab

These guys are just amazing. I ask any and all to listen to any one podcast of theirs, to know what I mean. I guarantee it will make you smarter, which is a big claim to make, but I know it will be true.

Get it here

[Fiction] The Gift.

It had been a horrible day...She just wanted to grab all her things and go home. At least, she thought, there wasn't much long left of this. A few more weeks of class, and then exams, and she was free. Free from all the stress of and expectation to perform to everybody's expectations and preconceived notions.

She approached her locker, which was empty, save for her wallet and phone, which was all she ever kept in it. It was unlocked, and she panicked as she realised she had forgotten to lock it for the whole of the afternoon. Thankfully nothing was missing, but something else was present as well.

It was a white rose. Attached to it was a note:

"Your locker was open - I didn't force it. I apologise for invading your privacy like this, but it was the only way I could do this. Unlike everyone, I've seen you struggle everyday, and hope that this gift will remind you that someone else sees, and understands. You don't know me, and it's not worth your time finding out, so please don't try to."

It wasn't signed. Not even an alias. She thought for a few seconds, and briefly entertained the idea of leaving a note in return for the gift giver, which she eventually decided against, after which she took the rose and and pinned it to her outermost garment. She got a few curious stares from people on the way home, but nowhere near as many as she would have, had the rose been red. At least the gift giver had been tactful.

She wore it from that day on, and when it wilted, replaced it every couple of days with a new one. It seemed like she had been given a fresh lease of life, and she positively soared through the final days of school.

**********

From his hiding place, he saw her read the note, and take the rose. What he didn't expect was to see her attach it to her clothes, or to see her replace it every couple of days with a new one. It thrilled him to know he had made a small difference in her life, and he was glad to see her smile more often.

And it was true. She smiled more often, though perhaps she would have smiled even more, had she known the identity of the gift giver, for it turns out she did know him. But he wasn't to know that, and at the end of the year, they saw each other no more.

Minimalism.

To make sense I think I probably need to define minimalism right now, and talk about specific aspects of it. Generally, minimalism is the idea of cutting out waste and embellishments, and leaving a pure, simple core. The phrases "Less is more", "less is better" and "simplicity is elegance" kind of hint at this as well. Minimalism exists as movements in art, music, architecture, design and literature, as an application of simplicity in science and philosophy, as well as a name for a particular kind of lifestyle choice. I'm interested in only a couple of these, and introduce them in order of their importance to me just now.

Minimalism in literature (and poetry) is a fascinating concept, and one I've only discovered recently. As one would expect, there is an economy with words involved, specifically, an eschewing of adverbs, but also allowing context to dictate meaning, which sounds impressive, but I have no idea what it means. Also included here is an identification with haikus as minimalist, purely because of the briefness of the form. I think I'm going in the other direction just now, and focusing on refining the technique within the framework of iambic pentameter, but I might go in this direction when I'm done. Who knows?

Minimalism in design and architecture is next. With design, in general I love clean, clear, uncluttered lines, and because I love that simplicity, I find it in almost everything I like. And if I were to design products, I'd want to design them in the same way. The maxim "form follows function" would hold true, but I'd cut down on any and all embellishments. As for architecture, the same holds true, but the expression takes a different form. Clean, clear, uncluttered lines, yes, but also the idea of using one object or feature to do more than just one thing, cutting down on the number of design elements used. To which I add a new level...the idea of designing a place for a minimalist to live...now that would be interesting, as it already sets some boundaries for the would be architect.

Which leads me on to the most important meaning for minimalist. The minimalist for whom I would be designing a house would be living a very particular lifestyle, and it is this which I want to write about mainly. I've maybe alluded to this, or mentioned it in passing in my previous posts, so it's about time I explained what I meant. To me, it's about cutting down all possessions to the point of necessity. For example, I wonder if its possible to live with just 100 items. It sounds impossible. Clothes, books, "essentials", tech items, other stuff that we have to have. I'm sure there's at least 100 items inside the very room I'm in. The trick is not to see that some items are only ever bought because other items you bought need them to work...eliminate the first, and you won't need the second. Less items means less stuff to worry about, and less space to take up. In a transient world, less is definitely more, and the more I can do without, the more self reliant and independent I become. Also, the less I have, the less time I spend looking after it, and the less there is to clean up after I move on, or even if I decide to move countries. That minimalism also has environmental and economic benefits is obvious enough to not need to be mentioned.

Maybe I love the idea of minimalism, rather than actually living the lifestyle. I don't know. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like this is the way for me to go. We'll see.

Architecture

Thanks to iTunes U, I've been getting a lot of lectures for free, and some of the most fascinating ones have been about architecture. It's a fascinating subject, no doubt, but these lectures, which have served as a sort of introduction, have opened my eyes.

Architecture can, and is many things. Buildings can be metaphors for and commentary on social problems, on politics, on relationships, on art, on structure on culture ...on just about anything. It also has its own specialised language, just like any other discipline, and can cross over sometimes into urban planning and interior design - just fascinating. What is also fascinating is the depth of meaning that can be hidden behind the buildings themselves, though that such meaning is only accessible to those in the know only, who know how to speak the language, seems somewhat elitist. In this aspect, I think it's quite similar to art, where sometimes only very few people can claim to know what the artist was thinking.

I hope my fascination doesn't turn into some "knowledge of rules and particulars and limited knowledge of colour and form" that Emerson warns against in his essay, The Poet. That's just shallow, and if I do end up doing that, then I'd only be acquiring a new dimension in order to show off.

What the lectures have sparked in me are ideas of different living spaces, and design elements, and a deeper appreciation of both. I've also for some reason also got some ideas of different houses I want to design (and maybe one day build...who knows?), but what's fascinating is that I imagine these to be different depending on the environment in which they are placed - no house is perfect for every environment, and so I have (for now) three different environments, for which I have three different kinds of house in mind. Maybe I'll post the specifics later, if I'm happy with how they look on paper, but for now I'm happy to open my mind to a new discipline.

I also have a comment to make on a deeper level - in studying architecture, as I am now, and in studying other subjects as diverse as philosophy, and programming...well..I think its possible to draw the best elements out of all disciplines, and that's what I hope to do.

Come, friend

Come, friend, and walk with me a while
By chance or fate our paths are one for now.
friend or foe, fool or sage, old or young.
my companion you are, for the day,
for life, for some given time in between.
Perhaps our path is not exclusively
our own, and we may come across others...
one, few or more, wandering like ourselves.
I know someday our path will split in two,
and take you on towards your destiny
as I seek mine, unaware of the end.
know that when we part, I'll wish you well.
though now I'm glad to have your company
bringing life to the times between which I...
I walk alone.

Come, friend, and walk with me a while
and as we stride, let us talk, laugh and smile.

iTunes U

I love this. A gateway to knowledge and perpetual learning, from the best of places. Lectures in audio and video on everything and anything from (mostly) the worlds top universities.

Mathematics
Philosophy
Art
Architecture
Science
Language
Media Studies
Literature
Politics
Astronomy
Economics
Law
Design
History
Sociology
Theology
Linguistics
Programming

Ahh..one need never really go into a formal learning institution ever again. And it's all free. I urge any and all to make use of it. I think I should have done so ages ago myself.

Here's to lifelong learning!

What happens next?

So....

I've decided not to pursue a career in law. Whilst the loss of a potentially high earning career would devastate some, I'm really not that bothered. I don't think I ever really, really liked law in the first place...my intentions in picking it were somewhat mercenary. It's not all bad though, as I've come out with a decent looking 2:1, which will impress those who care about such things (but if you look closer, its not that impressive), and have good A Level grades. My decision right now seems final, and for all I know, it probably is, but a law degree remains current for 9 years, so I have until then before that career option truly shuts down.

But the option not to pick a career that would have taken up the next four years of my life has liberated me. All of a sudden, the four years I would have put into becoming a lawyer are mine again - and I don't know what to do with them.

Marriage is out, after a brief dalliance with someone for whom I was no good, and who likewise was not good for me, which again leaves me unusually with no plans in that regard, for I always assumed I'd be married at 22. Not that I would have been any good as a husband just now...it seems like I needed to be woken up from a happily-ever-after daydream.

So what does happen next?

Well, I can do anything. I know I can. But I need to settle on doing something, or I will end up doing nothing. I've whittled it down to these for now. By the way, I am working through the problem as I write, so what you see here is the flow of my thoughts. Anyway, the choices are:

Ordinary job
Graduate level job
Another degree.
Relocation.
Seminary.
Enterprise.

An ordinary job seems to me to be the most simple way forward...start at the lowest position in some industry and work my way up the corporate ladder. I'm not too fussed about the money, just want something that will pay the bills.

Graduate positions are tougher to get, but worth it in terms of salary. The additional comfort this would bring into my life is undoubted, but I know I can do without. I'm not sure I want to go for one, but I know I can, should I ever have to.

Another degree. Now this would be awesome. If I did this, I'd do something I really love, like maths, or philosophy, or economics. Something rigorous and mentally challenging. If only I had chosen these first time round, instead of being so mercenary.

Relocation appeals to me because every now and then I just think how wonderful it would be to just dump everything and go abroad somewhere, and forge a new life. If I ever had a choice, it would be Canada or Australia, and maybe a Scandinavian country like Sweden as a third choice.

Seminary is by far and away the option that appeals most to me. To pack everything away and go spend a year or more in Najaf or Qum... that would be bliss.

Enterprise? Well I am a khoja. Admittedly, I haven't done well on that count, but you never know. I will say that of the ones I think least likely to happen, this is the one I deem most unlikely. But I list it as a possibility for now.

So...

The ones that appeal to me most are relocation and seminary. If only I could. But I can't just yet. I want to clear all my student debts before I do anything.

But to do that...I need to work. Which makes my choice clear. Work for a while, either at an ordinary job, or a graduate one. In the meantime, I can focus again on skill acquisition on the side like I've already planned, and pare down my possessions to minimalism.

So yeah...that's what happens next.

[Poetry Practice] 20 Lines of Iambic Pentameter

ti TUM ti TUM ti TUM ti TUM ti TUM.....

I don't know why I find it so unfair.

It wasn't hard to be the one you see,
for only those who have the gift can spy.

the darkened room was hiding my secret

I'm now about to start this book again
I hope to save myself a lot of pain
Progress if only this time i do it right
and with myself I'm going to have to fight

The artist draws with ease all that he sees
The pencil treats the paper just like silk

The best of books belongs in every house
The author knows its value more than most.

Displeased am I with my ill gotten gains.

To spend good times with friends and see the world.

The dark calls out to those who have no clue,
Alluring, trapping those who would be blind.

Its not unusual for men to cook.
the same applies for them and reading books

I don't know why I'm focusing on form.

My life is blessed with more than I can count.

**************************

Just that... 20 lines. The exercise was not to make them rhyme, but the rhymes slipped in automatically. Oops. Also, they were not supposed to do anything more than make sense grammatically, but I felt odd without making sure they meant something. Where I think I might have gone wrong would be in the inclusion of large words, which I have not done as much as I should have.

I'm also not sure every line is perfect iambic pentameter.

Ah well...

On Love...

"You make me want to become better"
"I want to make you happy"
"I feel empty without you"
"I can't stop thinking about you"
"You are the cause of all that is good in me"
"My words are inadequate in expressing how much you mean"
"You bring light to my life"
"I want nothing more than to be with you"
"For you, I feel like I could do anything"
"You dazzle me"
"You are perfect to me"
"You complete me"
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you"
"I don't deserve you"
...
...
"I love you"

A few of the lines above I admit to having said to someone. Others I have taken from movies, and others still I think I might have made up on the spot. However, that I made them up counts for nothing, as, considering how long the human race had been in existence and been falling in love with each other, it is more than probable that someone else has come up with them before I have.

The last, of course, I don't think I have to explain where it comes from. We don't need to think about that one. Everyone knows that for all the more elaborate versions above, the simplest version is the purest, and best, and really the only one you should ever need to say.

Of course, the true tragedy is that it is easy for some (for "some", read "me") to say these things to other fellow humans, but not to feel the same way to their creator, who is infinitely more deserving of such feeling, and such praise. And this, In a roundabout sort of way, was my point. I don't think I'm doing enough on that side of things, on attempting to get closer to my creator, compared to what He deserves. That it can be so easy for me to profess all sorts of love for fellow humans, be it my friends or family, but so hard for the one who created me...well..that's wrong. And that is something I intend to remedy.

The closest I felt was back in the Holy Month, on the holiest days. And I can't wait for them again. I want to start fasting again, but can't till this cold/flu/sore throat/whatever finishes. I dunno why I fixate on fasting so much, but I know there is something there. I am happiest when I am fasting, and, remarkably, protected from sins as well.

Hopefully that will bring me back to where I should be, if ever I was there. Sorry ladies...I'm taken.

Wrapping up my Life

My mum and I were traveling to family for Eid, and ended up behind a truck with a full load of logs. I'm sure they were bound securely, but they certainly did not appear so. I wondered abstractly, If they were to fall and crash on me, and possibly kill me, whether I would complain to my Lord about dying so young. I knew that I would not, and that any resistance on my part would be purely reflexive. If it is your time to die, it is your time to die. Nothing can be done about that. As I was pondering this, the loads on the truck shook slightly, but I wasn't nervous. If it fell, it fell. Mum, however, did decide then that the time was ripe to overtake the truck.

I reflected later, that though I would not have fought death, I would have regretted dying, particularly at this time. Not because I'd be going in the prime of my life, nor because I have so much to that I want to see and do. All good-ish reasons, of course, but they count for nothing in the grand scheme of things. No, my regret would be that I haven't done enough good to die just yet. My account is empty, so to speak, if not in negative.

And yet, I think, perhaps if I were to die today, then that would be a blessing, for it would prevent me from sinning tomorrow, and making my station in the afterlife worse than in is. In any case, I am alive today, for better or worse, as I write this, and have to make the most of it. Which brings me to something I wrote less than a year ago, when my grandfather passed away. In essence, as I wrote and felt then, so I write and feel now, though not much progress has been made, if any. I want to wrap up my life, in so many words, that were I to die tomorrow, I would not have unfinished projects, messes and the like left for others to clean up.

I have missed prayers and fasts to make up, and extra prayers and fasts I want to do on top. After a year of dithering, I still have my will to write. I have debts to pay off. These take obvious priority. I want to reform my soul. I want to trim my possessions to the point of minimalism. I want to start projects such as intellectual growth and skill acquisition with the knowledge that they can be easily wrapped up should I not make it to the finish. All of the above are just different expressions of one main aim. I need to turn my life around, and do so much, to the extent that, whether I die tomorrow, or in a year's time, or ten years, or whatever, I won't regret, and will be happy with going at my alloted time.

Nemesis

I saw him...
My nemesis
Across a crowded street
easy to keep him in sight
once I found him
he was wearing the same clothes
that I was... audacious
and I followed him
determined to confront him

Finally I'd be able
to face the reason behind
my diseased mind
my wasted heart
my broken soul

I followed him
(for it was definitely a he)
eventually into a dark room
and found it empty,
filled with smoke.

In vain I searched
Till I saw a figure shrouded
smoke obscuring his face
Knowing it was him
I strode forward
and found myself
looking at a mirror

the message was clear enough
my nemesis was myself

***************

In a way...
I always knew it

...

I planted my flag here,
And ripped out my heart,
All that I had,
My prized possession,
And offered it to my Lord,
Only to see it rejected
for being too hard.
So I took it back,
and hurled it against the wall,
and saw it shatter,
its hardness making it brittle.
I wept,
and picked up the pieces
and examined them
and found them black inside.
I collected them all
and built a fire
and put the pieces in
and raised the heat.
They melted, and burst into flames.
Brilliant blue, then white, then invisible
If the pieces could scream, they would.
Slowly the black was burned away
as the residue of sins evaporated.
Now my heart is my own,
And I struggle to keep it clear.
Hopefully it will be accepted
next time.

Proficiencies

I'm into cooking a lot. Its a skill I want to learn. Upon reflection, there are lots of things, that I have decided that I want to become proficient in over the next few years, as part of my personal development. This is the list, which I will edit as I decide whether to keep or delete or add more pursuits.

Improve Poetry Writing
Cooking (obviously)
Prose Writing
Photography
Learn Arabic
Video Recording + Editing
Improve Computer Graphic Skills
Drawing + Painting
Website Design (HTML, CSS, Java, Flash - the whole bunch)
Computer Software Coding and Design.

That's it for now...with each of these I want to become proficient at the very least, my own definition of which is to be good enough not to need an expert.

InshaAllah...

Farewell

I was listening to a recitation of dua wida yesterday, and I wept. It started at the beginning of a particular passage, and I reflected later, that the Imam (as) describes what it feels like perfectly. The month of Ramadhan is going, and it really is a month of mercy. It has improved me, and to compare where I would have been headed were it not for the blessings of this month is not pretty. Not that I've made much progress, but I feel I have halted an negative slide, and the timing was perfect, another sign of the genius of my Lord.

It is going, and I wish it were not so. It will be harder to maintain the pathetic level that I am at after it goes. I intend to fast and pray more after it goes, but it won't be the same. The words of Imam Sajjad (as) in the dua saying farewell to the month say it better than I ever can. The following is the passage that touched me so...

Peace be upon thee,
O greatest month of God!
O festival of His friends!

Peace be upon thee,
O most noble of accompanying times!
O best of months in days and hours!

Peace be upon thee,
month in which
expectations come near
and good works are scattered about!

Peace be upon thee,
comrade
who is great in worth when found
and who torments through absence when lost,
anticipated friend
whose parting gives pain!

Peace be upon thee,
familiar
who brought comfort in coming,
thus making happy,
who left loneliness in going,
thus giving anguish!

Peace be upon thee,
neighbour in whom
hearts became tender
and sins became few!

Peace be upon thee,
helper who aided against Satan,
companion who made easy the paths of good-doing!

Peace be upon thee -
How many became freedmen of God within thee!
How happy those who observed the respect due to thee!

Peace be upon thee -
How many the sins thou erased!
How many the kinds of faults thou covered over!

Peace be upon thee -
How drawn out wert thou for the sinners!
How awesome wert thou in the hearts of the faithful!

Peace be upon thee,
month with which no days compete!

Peace be upon thee,
month which is peace in all affairs!

Peace be upon thee,
thou whose companionship is not disliked,
thou whose friendly mixing is not blamed!

Peace be upon thee,
just as thou hast entered upon us with blessings
and cleansed us of the defilement of offenses!

Peace be upon thee -
Thou art not bid farewell in annoyance
nor is thy fasting left in weariness!

Peace be upon thee,
object of seeking before thy time,
object of sorrow before thy passing!

Peace be upon thee -
How much evil was turned away from us through thee!
How much good flowed upon us because of thee!

Peace be upon thee
and upon the Night of Decree
which is better than a thousand months!190

Peace be upon thee -
How much we craved thee yesterday!
How intensely we shall yearn for thee tomorrow!

Peace be upon thee
and upon thy bounty
which has now been made unlawful to us
and upon thy blessings gone by
which have now been stripped away from us!

It goes without saying, though, that the second I felt proud, about being able to cry, the tears dried up. I still have a long way to go.

You Chose Me

You chose me.

I don't know what you saw
Or what you still see
Maybe you see
the pain in my eyes
and think
you can heal me
Maybe you see
great potential
and think
you can inspire me
to great heights
Maybe you see
incredible compatibility
and think
we'd match each other
perfectly.
Maybe you see
someone too harsh
on himself
to ever be harsh
to anyone else.

Whatever the reason
It doesn't matter
It won't happen.
I won't let it
I am unworthy
You deserve better
than someone
who won't be able
to reciprocate.
My heart is wasted,
and a risk not worth taking.
I cannot be selfish
and take someone
who dazzles me
who will do me good
when I offer nothing
in return.

Get out
while you still can
before I drag you down
and find someone
worthy of you
who will treat you
the way you deserve
and make you happy.

Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine

Lantern of the Path, Chapter 14: Showing Off

Do not show off your actions to someone who neither gives life nor causes death, and who cannot take away from you your burdens. Showing off is a tree whose only fruit is hidden association of other gods with Allah, and its root is hypocrisy. The vain one will be told on the Day of Judgement; 'Take what you consider to be the reward of your actions from those you took as your partners with Me. Look to those whom you worshipped and called on, from whom you entertained hopes and whom you feared. And know that you cannot conceal anything inside of you from Allah: you will be deceived by yourself.'

Allah said,

يُخَادِعُونَ اللّهَ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَمَا يَخْدَعُونَ إِلاَّ أَنفُسَهُم وَمَا يَشْعُرُونَ

They desire to deceive Allah and those who believe, and they deceive only themselves and they do not perceive. (2:9)

Showing off most frequently occurs in the way people glance at others, speak, eat, drink, arrive somewhere, sit with others, dress, laugh, and in the way they perform prayers, pilgrimage, jihad, recitation of the Qur'an, and all outward acts of devotion.

However, he who is sincere towards Allah, who fears Him in his heart, and who sees himself as lacking even after he has exerted himself with every effort, will find that Allah is contented with him as a result, and he will be among those whom one expects to be free from showing off and hypocrisy, provided he continues to be in that state.

******************

Something I really need to internalise. Am I showing off by posting this? gah.

Cooking

I don't know exactly where its come from, but I'm really into cooking right now. I want to make lots of things, and experiment, and build up my skills, and proficiencies with different appliances and styles, and methods of cooking.

I've started through the making of cakes and nut butters, and I want to make more. I've set myself a target of learning 40-odd dishes in a year - roughly under one a week, from scratch to finish.

I'm also going to use this page to document what I've made, and the first time I made it. What will go on here are dishes that I have completely done myself from ingredients anyone can buy at the supermarkets, and so stuff like ready meals, and oven ready foods will not go in here, though obviously I know how to make them, as will food that someone else has partially prepared for me to finish off later. If I were to add these, I could add loads more, but this is about skill as well, so I will not. Beverages also I will not put here. Some will be variants of a dish previously made, but I'm going to include them anyway, as each variant is my attempt and tweaking and experimenting...some will come out ok...some will not. All variants will be coloured.

I should mention that, being a man, the kitchen does get messy, and that I don't particularly enjoy doing the dishes afterwards. Meh.

I will update this page every time I make something new. As already mentioned above, the dates which I put in here are the first time I make the dish.

-------------

23/08/09 Madiera style plain cake
04/09/09 Cake with almond paste*
06/09/09 Almond butter.**
06/09/09 Cake with desiccated coconut and almond butter.
10/09/09 Cashew nut butter.
14/09/09 Pasta bake.***
17/09/09 Pasta bake II
19/09/09 Chocolate sponge cake****
27/09/09 Chocolate sponge with a layer of melted chocolate on top.
02/10/09 Peras §
06/10/09 Tuna pasta bake
11/10/09 Barfi style peras §
16/10/09 Tuna pasta bake II ±
17/10/09 Tuna pasta bake III ±
29/10/09 Ciabatta style pizza with sardines
29/10/09 Barfi style peras.

* I failed at making almond butter, so I put the paste-ish result into a cake mix. Turned out well. As you can see, I succeeded a few days later
** Delicious!!
*** This was awesome...I had no idea what I was doing or if it would work. Turned out fantastic.
**** Too much cocoa, otherwise awesome.
§ Not perfect, but I'm happy
§ Failed, so saved them by making them into ordinary ones. Still delicious either way.
± Too much pasta. And too much flour. Yet delicious. How I mess up so many, and yet they taste excellent is a mystery to me. Ah well.
±A refinement on the above. Love it...this recipe is now officially settled :D

Your Sword

Slay with the sword of wisdom
The doubt born of ignorance
That lies within your heart
Eradicate with the sword of light
The darkness born of fear
That feeds upon your weary soul
Dispatch with the sword of reason
The questions born of ambiguity
That challenge your very being
Quell with the sword of hope
The terrible cries born of despair
That strangle your inner spirit
Arise a warrior reborn
And with your shining sword
Carve out the life
You deserve

Nope, not by me. I found this on a friends blog. The image that accompanies this is just amazing. Diginatii is the name of the poet who wrote this.

Have a look at the original image.

Also, I really like this piece. He has a lot of work on the web, and a large amount of it is unfit for those who wish to lower their gaze, and guard their modesty. I gave up looking at his gallery because of the number of times I had to avert my gaze. As such, I won't be linking directly to his work...those who wish to see more should just search on google.

Selfishness in Selflessness

What ails you?
You hide it well
But I can see
the hurt in your eyes
Its easy to spot
for one who knows.
The morons around you
remain oblivious though
fooled by your calm
when turmoil rages within

What ails you?
That you seek to hide
behind a protective screen?
Who has hurt you?

I'm probably no good
or not worthy
but your hurt
hurts me
let me help
and try to allay
your pain.

Perhaps in helping
to heal another
I can finally be
of some good
to someone

Come to me

I saw you struggle
It was only momentary
but I saw it.
You hesitated
and didn't know
what to do
and looked to others
for approval.

Poor child!

Don't listen to them
and never worry.
Just be yourself.

If you were with me,
I'd make sure
you never have to
struggle like that.
I'll give you
all the love
you need to grow.

Be free.
And never worry
about those
who would take away
the natural inquisitiveness
of a child.

The Lament of the Poet

I want to write something fantastic
And I know what I want to write
It is in my head somewhere.
But when I I put pen to paper
words escape me.

The beautiful words
The amazing message
of faith, and peace, and love, and hope
I only know peripherally
out of the corner of my eye
but when I focus on them
they hide

I have an inkling
an outline shadowed in smoke
it slips away from me
as I try to catch it.
It would be stunning
If only I could write it

But who knows
when inspiration strikes
and I eventually write
whether it will be worth
me having written it?
Will I have succeeded
In my struggle for meaning?

If only...

He loves the idea.

The idea of crying
to your Lord
in shame
for mercy

He loves the idea
more than he loves
the act of crying

He has seduced himself
with the image
of his repentance

How very pious
he must be

And surely
when the time came
he was like an actor
playing his part
and crying

But
he is showing off
nobody is watching
yet he is showing off
for himself

If only he truly meant it
from the heart

If only..

I am

I am my own worst enemy...

I know my weaknesses
and how to exploit them
I know my strengths
and how to nullify them.

I know my lofty intentions
and how to debase them
I know my intelligence
and how to defocus it

I know my virtue
and how to turn it to vice
I know the power of my will
and how to divert it.

I am the starter of unfinished projects
I am the talker, with no authenticity
I am the loser, pretending to have won
I am in denial, with my eyes shut
I am sabotaged by the one who knows me best

I am also
the one who will win
eventually

I will call upon
the help of my Lord
and slay the enemy within.

La Ilaha Illallah

La Ilaha Illallah
Say it
and repeat it
again and again
and again.

La Ilaha Illallah
Slay the minor idols
that have taken up
residence in your heart
and occupy your attention

La Ilaha Illallah
if you succeed,
you now have to
focus on the big idol
your own soul

La Ilaha Illallah
if you worship
out of fear of hell
or in desire of heaven
you still worship your own soul

La Ilaha Illallah
Purify yourself
and struggle every day
to worship
The One True Lord.

Paint Me.

Paint me as I was
the child,
Innocence soon to be lost
but its hard to say
exactly when it started

Paint me as I am
the intriguing mixture,
of self-hate that hopes
to one day be forgiven
for sins too many

Paint me as I am wont to be
the talker,
big words and small actions
speaking proudly of what little I know
and pretending on what i don't

Paint me as I will be
the struggler,
fighting my lower soul
maybe winning
probably losing.

Paint me, in my final end
The dead one,
alone in my grave,
in the darkness of my sins
begging for help

Paint me....
but capture the real me
and cut through
the facades
that I've set up
to hide behind.

Being Sorry

Am I to be reminded forever,
of all my misdeeds and failings...
me and my reflection to cringe at each other
whenever we see our reflections together?

To forgive others is easy,
to forgive myself is hard.
So convinced was I
That I was right
So convinced was I
That I would have fought
But I was wrong
It was all for nothing.
I led myself down the wrong path

What good did opening my mouth do?
There was no value
no piercing insight
no amazing epiphany
no glorious revelation
no commendable witticism
no remarkable wisdom
just mediocrity
Next time...I'll just shut up

And at what cost
I can't even look at
the people that I've hurt
in the eye
without feeling horrible

Look into my eyes
And tell me I'm not that bad
You can't
My own shame
Won't let me meet your gaze

Am I to be sorry forever?

...

I reach out for the light
but my self denies me
i am repulsed...
My own darkness holds me back
It envelopes my heart
and will continue to deny me
And maybe
will drag me
to the fire.
no person can help me
for I am lost
and at the mercy of the Lord
The mirror of my heart
in need of polishing
is cracked.
I am the liar
I am the hypocrite
with the serpent's tongue
Stay away from me
lest I drag you down with me
Its critical
I'm on the verge
of falling forever
yet i am still not gone
i hate myself
for being so weak
for giving in
for hurting other people
and for now
i am cursed
to be alone
in my own hell
i will be alone
till i overcome myself
till i win
I will not
make another person
go through hell
with me
for any reason
anymore
ever

Solitude

Out of light...and back into dark.
Blow out the candle...hide the respark.
Time to withdraw back into the shell
Let the holy days work their spell

God's holiest months descend
Bringing with them hope.
Maybe this time the soul will ascend
Hanging firmly onto the rope.

Time to work again on the self
this time determined to excel
weed out inconsistency
weed out hypocrisy
search for other elements to expel

soon I'll lock my self in my cave
and fight the demons within
turning from fool to sage
and anew life will begin

New vid!!

Enjoy

Ubuntu/Linux

So, I finally stopped sitting on the fence and got rid of Ubuntu from my brother's computer. This was helped by the fact that I unwittingly installed two versions of Ubuntu on the same computer - lol. The boot screen was a mess, offering me two versions of Vista, two of Ubuntu 8.04, and two of Ubuntu 9.04, as well as the security backup drive - 7 to choose from!!

So in the end, after doing some web research, I downloaded SuperGrub, and used it to fix the bootloader, and then went and deleted all the Ubuntu partitions. Then I installed Ubuntu again, just to see how wubi works. Wubi, is by far and away the best way for newbies to see Ubuntu first hand, without compromising their system...It installs Ubuntu as a program within Windows, and thus allows for an incredibly easy uninstall as well, should the person decide that they don't want Ubuntu anymore - no messing with the bootloader... nothing. Remarkably ingenious idea, and one which people should have seen earlier.

Anyways, after installing Ubuntu (again), I decided to get rid of it (again). The reason for doing so in my case is stunningly simple...Ubuntu is an incredible solution, but to a problem I do not have, therefore I do not need it.

I don't need a computer with a brilliant, easy to use, non-Windows interface, which allows me to do exactly what I want, and never crashes...because I already have one...my mac . If however, my mac were to die tomorrow, I would definitely install Ubuntu and be quite happy to use it in preference over Windows, at least until Windows 7 comes out

Bliss.

OK...I've been on a happiness high for a few days now...and it just feels amazing. I'm smiling all the time, and wish I could flash a huge smile at everyone I talk to. It's like I've broken out of a shell...or I was blind, and now I'm seeing things anew, in vivid, deep colours.

After all the spiritual loss of the past months, it's the perfect time to be going the other way, and I'm quite glad that all this has been happening now, just in time for me to take advantage of the Holy Months.

I'm grateful for the chance to be good again, and especially grateful for the catalytic experience.

Metamorphosis

From hate to love...
the easiest step to make
yet the hardest as well.
the toughest challenge
to go deep within
and think of those
who have hurt you
and decide
to love them
to thank them
for lessons learned
and genuinely wish
the other well
in all that they do

It all starts with
making the choice
the choice to grow
above circumstance
above pain
and do the right thing

its not easy
but it's worth it :)

---------------

It is totally worth it...totally.

New beginnings.

Finally, I'm feeling better about myself, and ready for the next challenges that life will bring. I'm grateful for the little progress I have made/am making. Previously, all I wanted to do was to lose myself in my fave TV shows, and do the bare minimum with regard to work and spirituality. Now I'm changing slowly, and feeling awesome about doing so. I'm almost done with all my TV shows as well, just 4 more episodes of Hustle and 18 more of House to watch before I am done, which I make to be about 18 hours of TV to watch, which I will be done with soon, iA. I don't know why I'm so set on finishing these shows, but I am, so I'll just finish them.

I've done more recently, and been more productive. I've also somehow found myself running the house by myself, which is an unusual situation, and one I definitely didn't plan on, but am happy to accept and learn and grow from. I get to live and try and implement the simple life i've been yearning for. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm on the way there.

To new beginnings,
and renewal,
and spritual building,
and not wasting the three holy months.

As I write this...I'm smiling broadly...what a difference a few months make.

Rajab

Rajab is here. Finally. What a difference a year makes. Last year I was impatiently waiting for Rajab to start. This year it has almost taken me by surprise. Nevertheless, the blessed month is here, and I'm already beginning to feel better as a result. There is a definite buzz to the air, and I feel more connected to God than I do normally, which to be honest isn't really saying much. Time is too precious to waste, especially in this month and those that follow.

Today is also the first Friday of Rajab, which makes it two years almost to the day that my grandmother passed away. The difference between that day and this is palpable. That day it rained constantly, only abating slightly for her funeral. I miss her. She was by far and away the best person on both sides of my family, and a true example, to me at least, that the highest reaches of piety are not beyond the grasp of mere mortals. She lives on in the memories of all those she has touched.

...

Out of darkness and into light,
a new man is born tonight.
new soul occupies old shell,
no marks to help the world tell.

the difference lies within
hidden, a new life begins

the sins of old weigh on shoulders new
the burdens too big for one to bear
yet determined he is to make them few
the broken life perhaps not beyond repair.

-----------------------------------------------

hmm. hope is the word. and faith.

Hope

OK...so I'm at a really low point. However, all is not lost as long as I have the gift of life. And I make use of it.

There are some people, who, currently, have done more good than bad. They are in a positive balance. If they died today, they'd be pretty much ok in the next life. There are others who have good and bad in a balance, and for them, the next deed is the most crucial, as it could tip the scales either way. Then there are people like me, who have done more bad than good, and if they were to die today, they would be doomed. No chance at intercesion either. [Do not argue with me - I know this fact to be true, as far as my own status is concerned.]

Redemption for me lies in a life full of hard work. A long life would help here, as it gives me more time to do good, and hopefully work my way into a sort of positive balance, but that is entirely out of my hands. I guess I need to hope. Hope that I can. And, of course, hope that if I fail, I can rely on the mercy of a compassionate Lord.

Epilogue

This is the end of a story.

My story.

To be more accurate, I should call it the end of a chapter, but that doesn't feel like giving the right emphasis to the huge "THE END" which I want to place over this particular time in my life. I feel horrible. And I just want it to end.

The centre of all this is me. I thought I knew myself, but it turn out that I had everyone fooled, including myself. Now that I know what I really am like, I don't even trust myself.

It'll be a while before I have faith in myself, and my old self-confidence comes back.

At least, from this low point, the only way is up.

Trapped

...

still pondering how I managed to fall
wondering who put up these walls
too easy to blame the people in my life,
or blame circumstance for my strife.
the simplest answer the hardest to find
would be obvious if I wasn't so blind
too short sighted to see my own fault

Thought I had grown, never expecting,
I would end up prisoner of my own.

now trapped I am, by my fall,
no escape till I break these walls.
brick by brick, the arduous journey begins
requiring strength both outside and within...

[END]

***********************

maybe i'll find out more
what I really stand for.
what I'm really like
whether i like what i see
whether i really can stomach
looking at myself in a mirror

we'll see