Muharram's Pledge

My heart is set ablaze again
Relighted by the name of Hussain (ع)
Life's focus, lacking shape and edge,
Remade again by Muharram’s pledge.

As I wrote in Rajab, if I have anything close to a tradition in my blog, it is a post previewing that holy month. There is something similar that I do in Muharram, and have done for the past 3 years - my own 40 day challenge.

Except this year. It's not working for me anymore, and the fault, I think lies with me. Only the first was something approaching a success, whilst the other two (2, 3) can in my opinion only be called failures.

It is time to do something different. As life becomes ever more dreary for me, that I feel trapped by routine and custom, beginning to feel that life has just become some amorphous blob, just days following each other, so Muharram comes, and I both see a different way, and am inspired to follow it.

The message of Muharram is the most polarising force I know of. We live in a world that is designed to confuse us by offering us myriads of shades of grey, and Muharram is like a filter that sharply splits everything into simple black and white.

Should I feel the temptation to listen to music, for example, I need only think that, on the eve of the 10th of Muharram, from one camp one could hear music, and from the other camp one could only hear the buzz of Dhikr. And so on and so forth. All the tough choices that I have to make, (including a few at this moment in time, and a few more in the near future), I need only extrapolate forward, look at the  (probable) consequences, and see which camp I would most likely end up in.

Of course, it is not as simple as that, and stuff like intention has to be factored in as well. But just by doing this for a few hours in the past couple of days, I feel my soul getting sharper (I don't know how else to put it), and the dying embers of my heart glowing brightly again, and I know now what I was missing.

Alhamdulillah for the message and sacrifice of Imam Hussain (ع), for without it I would surely be lost.

Ya Hussain

...

Fumbling fingers
Reach into the pocket
Slowly grasp the wallet
Gently take it out

Fumbling fingers
Wizened by age
Flip past the cards
Ignoring new-age money

Fumbling fingers
Reach for the scrap
Aged, lined paper
Hiding in secret

Fumbling fingers
Slowly unfurl 
Gently, carefully
Let me read

"I love you"

Tired eyes see
Old brain remembers
Memories sparking memories
All those years ago

Things come and go
But this paper is kept
The first of its kind
The best of its kind

Discovered in surprise
A love-note left
By the other half
Of his soul.

Fumbling fingers
Trembling gently
Fold and put away
His prized posession

The Monologue Before Slumber

As I lie, in relative ease
Hands crisscrossed behind my head
Staring at the ceiling
Waiting for sleep to take me
Maybe I can steal 5 minutes though
If I'm lucid enough
For reflection in solitude
To account the sins of the day
And give myself a grade
Nothing too harsh, mind
Never below a “D”, shall we say
Maybe some days I've acted worse
But I can always rationalise-
tell myself rational lies
- and convince myself I'm ok
I acted the best I could...
I'm self-deprecating too
Pretending to be humble
So never above a “B” either
Yet always hoping in every case
Tomorrow I'll be better
Do better, think better

I wait for sleep now
But will it be my last?
Ready for sleep, yes.
Ready for death, no.
No will made as of yet
Under my pillow
Too many things yet to do
Sins to repent for
Obligations to make up
And of course
In what might be my final moments
I resolve again
To change my ways
That if I live in the morning
That following night will definitely be different
A bald-faced lie
I know that all too well
As the inertia of habits and laziness
Keeps me as I am
For the time being at least

Still,
Though I don't wish it
Though I say I'm not ready
If I die tonight
I'll accept it
(no choice really)
But I accept it anyway
Never mind
The half-finished projects
Or my own inflated self-worth
Or that I'll never taste
The sweetness of marriage or children
*sigh*
If it is decreed so
Then I accept
And ask for mercy.

More than five minutes now
Eyes beginning to droop
Something else important I meant
To focus on
Never mind -
I'll remember in the morning
...
Goodbye, World.

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This whole poem is in itself a bald-faced lie. I have never reflected before sleeping, despite always wanting to do so, and always deciding every day that I will reflect every night before I sleep. Maybe that will change soon. Maybe.

Lilac Bellflowers

A lilac petal frozen in time
Random souvenir from the golden day
Borrowed in passing from a bellflower
Tucked gently into her hair
Though in truth no relic is needed
And memories cascade upon each other
All following from the well of the first
The day when everything went right
And my fears fell after, toppling like dominoes
Showing me how unfounded they were
Slowly I was cajoled, coaxed, encouraged
Becoming more than I believed I could be
Her laughter and smiles light the way
Keeping me guided and grounded every day

My prison was self-made, but she set me free
And now I dance with her who gave her hand to me

The Minimalist Wardrobe Formula

How many clothes does a dude need? I mean really, give me an actual number here. Not counting socks and other small items of clothing, and accessories like wallets and belts and jewellery (more on jewellery later).

I’ve gone on and on and on about minimalism. And its not been just words. There has been some action too, and I am mostly pleased with it.

But now, I intend to approach one facet of my life in a more holistic way. Clothing. Whilst I don’t obsess over how I look infront of the mirror everyday, I accept that part of the reality of this world is that you are judged on appearance. And part of your responsibility as a Muslim is that you make sure that Muslims don’t have a bad image as a result of your actions, or the way that you dress.

We have hadith from our Prophet and Imams that they used to dress respectably, modestly, but were not extravagant, and did not have lots of clothes. So that’s the model for me to follow, obviously.

But I find myself straying every now and then. A football shirt here, a nerdy geek-chic T-shirt with a snarky inside joke there, a significant period of wanting a hat like what Matt Bomer wears in White Collar (I didn’t get one, but I did come very close), a one size fits all belt (I love these), my collection of performance base layers (ditto) and so on. And soon the limited space I have for clothes is bulging again. Thank God I wasn’t born female, eh? Then we’d have to discuss shoes, and thankfully, here I am happy with what I have, and what I do not have.

What I’m going in search of now is something so simple I feel stupid for not seeking it earlier. I’m going to hunt for a formula. An algebraic one. Yes, its a bit nerdy (or a lot nerdy, actually) but it might just work. A mathematical relationship between the different types of clothing it is necessary to own, from which I can work out the minimum necessary to get by. And it could be liberative - once I hit my quota, so to speak, if I want anything more, I know I'll have to either make space by getting rid of something, or do without.

I don’t expect to get it right first time. More like an iterative process. But I will get it right over time. Wish me luck. I think I’m honestly onto something here. This could be great...


Jewellery

Jewellery is a special thing. More than clothing, jewellery beautifies the self, and also, we have wonderful hadiths describing the spiritual value and benefits of certain rings. I won't have any formula here. It feels wrong.

I have mixed results here. I used to wear a silver chain with a dhulfiqar pendant. I loved it, almost like it became part of my Shia identity. Those who knew treated me special, and I’m quite sure I once got a free coffee just because someone saw my pendant. Same goes for an aluminium bracelet I used to wear that was engraved with the verse of the throne (Ayatul Kursi). But three years ago I stopped wearing both. Its like I was taking advantage of it, and shame made me stop. In any case, I’m not sure I have them at hand anyway. I haven’t seen them for years.

I have a different history with rings. Them and me don’t get on. I’ve always felt maybe they were ashamed to have me wear them, strange as it sounds. I have carcasses and shells of quite a few rings with me, where the stones have fallen out, and in one bizzare case, a work accident squashed one so badly it snapped (the stone fell out of that one too). I still love them though, and I’ll continue to get more as time goes on. Maybe my luck will change.

A Few Words from Mr. Jobs

I distinctly recall the moment when I knew I would never look at PCs in the same way again. We were living in Dar-es-Salaam, Tanzania, in January 2002. I don't know why, or how, but a copy of the current TIME magazine caught my eye, and it showed Steve Jobs and Jonathan Ive standing proudly next to their latest, greatest creation - at the time. It was the G4 iMac, and it was beautiful. Realisations then were twofold - why aren't all computers like this? Why does everyone make their computer in a dull grey box? Secondly - What? It doesn't run Windows? What does it run then?

As is my wont, I delved deeper into the history, origins, products, and people at this company. And I was won. When I switched then, the mac was the countercultural choice - used by creative professionals, design nerds, and few others. Most people only knew Windows PCs and didn't want to know anything else.

Watching the company's growth over the next 9 years has been astounding. From the much-mocked, much-maligned countercultural choice, Apple now makes the #1 MP3 player, the #1 smartphone, the #1 tablet, the #1 laptop, and the #1 desktop….mostly thanks to the vision of one man, who passed away a few hours ago, at the age of 56. He had been struggling with pancreatic cancer since 2004, and eventually, it won.

The most he ever revealed about himself was in the commencement speech he gave at Stanford in 2005, and I'm going to quote a few of my favourite lines. He tells three stories, and then the lessons he learns from the three. The whole video, as well as the whole text, is a Google search away, for those who want it…
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"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."


"I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."


"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."


"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true."


"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

------
Apple will continue, in much the same way that Disney and Ford continue and succeed when they lost their legendary founders. Will what you build today continue after you leave, and carry your legacy into the next generation?

Further Reflections on My Previous Post

On the Labels

To be quite honest, I never accepted really accepted the labels. I have refused to allow myself to be called a poet, and a writer, and a designer, preferring instead to be referred to as "someone who does poetry/writing/art". Maybe I still wanted to be thought of as one anyway. Maybe it was a mixture of false modesty and riya' *. And if that's the case…well then maybe it's a good thing that I've come to the realisation I did.

Positives

I sound negative in my last post... and that's because I kinda was. But it doesn't have to be. There may be positives, and I think these should be celebrated too. If I am what I repeatedly do, then alongside looking at what I no longer do, I probably should look at my most regular actions. Alhamdulillah, there are many positive things that I repeatedly do. And few negatives. Which I'm cutting down on (especially one major one, which I think I've finally beaten)

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So, not too bad.

* riya' - the act of simulation, of making yourself look better than you are, for the purposes of seeking approval of the people of this world. Imam Khomeini gives a detailed exposition in his book 40 Hadith, and perhaps it's worth reflecting on why he places it at the very front of the book.

What I Am No Longer

From the changes post, I quote Aristotle:

"We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit"
I focus now on the first half of the quote. We are indeed what we repeatedly do. Not what we think, or speak, but do. Actions are solid, measurable chunks of realness that you can look at and point to. The baker is so called after he has baked, repeatedly, that such an action may then be linked to his character, and become a defining characteristic. And the same goes for the butcher and the candle-stick maker, obviously.

The corollary must also hold true. If I no longer do anything with regularity, then I cannot allow myself in all honesty to call myself anything that would imply otherwise. Therefore, today I realised that I am no longer any of these things:

Poet

Two poems in 6 months? Really?

Writer of Fictions

4 this year. Last 5 months ago. I was never that proficient, to be honest, but at least every now and then I'd come up with a story I would be happy to post. I have the stories floating around in my head, but if I don't write them down…

Graphic Artist/ Designer

More than 20 months since my last creation. The less said the better.

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It hurts to see this. It hurts to recognise this. It shouldn't, but it does. Like I'm stripping away layers of myself, which were close to my sense of being.

One day, maybe I'll stop blogging. This blog, which has been my outlet and my solace for the past four years, which I have only let a few handpicked friends see… maybe even this will be neglected. This realisation, even though it only exists right now in potentia, hurts me even more, even though it shouldn't.

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Of course, were I to start doing the same actions again, with regularity, then maybe I could call myself those things again. That option is always open. For now, though, I choose to let those labels fall from me.

A Milestone

Alhamdulillah.

Following on from the previous post, I had a look at my 2011 Plans. It looks like I've been following the advice pretty well for one area in particular: debt clearing. I'm not there yet…still have a long way to go, but I've hit an awesome milestone today, and I feel really happy.

I'm out of credit and store card debt. It's taken a while, but I'm finally there. On the picture below, I'm out of the red, marked by the red line, and into the black. I'm only just out of the red, so I don't go above the red line. Click to get a better view.



Alhamdulliah. Just got to get out of my overdraft, which at most will take a year more, and then begin to focus on paying my student loans. I know they will be written off by the time I hit 35, if I have any outstanding, but I don't want that to happen at all.

Onwards and upwards, iA

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Screenshot is of the total cumulative balance of two credit cards and one store card as logged since the day I got the app (8th Aug 2010).

Get Account Tracker, if you have an iOS device. Apple makes the hardware expensive, but the software is really cheap. It costs £2, but you'll easily get more than £2 of value from it. If you don't have an iOS device, get an old iPod Touch. Seriously. You'll thank me.

I Want...

I

I want many things. (Also, as the saying goes, "I want never gets", meaning those kids who constantly "ask" for stuff by saying "I want…" tend not to recieve what they "ask" for)

But I digress. What do I want?

- I want to be closer to Allah. (Specifically, I hope and pray my heart never gets hard, and that I am always able to shed at least a tear or two)
- I want to be out of debt.
- I want to cement the few friendhsips I am lucky to have
- I (maybe - not too sure about this one) want to change my job.
- I want to never let go of the blessing of good health, if I can help it.
- I want to be a good role model for my immediate and extended family.
- I want to sleep every night satisfied with my efforts of every day. (Going to bed with a tired body, as per the hadith, would be a (most desirable) bonus)
- I want to find that someone and get married and have kids. (No rush, and yet, at the same time, I can't wait.)
- I want to increase by many times over the amount I give to charity.
- I want to go for at least one hajj, and lots of ziyarats.
- I want to be more involved and more active in helping brothers and sisters across the Muslim ummah.

I don't see anything too worldly in that list, though maybe I'm biased. Look at it with a critical eye, and let me know what you think. At the very least, we can, I hope, subject them to this test - if you were to ask for them for yourself, and they were fulfilled, you would be satisfied, if not extremely grateful.

II

A man goes to a king with a petition. He travels to to the city, then to the Royal Palace, then waits in a waiting room with a slip of paper in his hand, on which his request is written. The king sees him for a few minutes, recieves the slip, and deliberates the request for an hour whilst the man again waits in the waiting room. After an hour, he is summoned back to the king to find out what the decision is, after which he will head home.

As the point was made in a majlis a few days ago…. this is NOT how we supplicate to Allah (SWT). We should not ever be as passive. When we ask Allah to, for example, feed the hungry, and give shelter to the destitute, etc, we are not asking for this to happen without us. Rather, we are asking Allah to make us the active agents who seek to bring about the change that we pray for. We work, and Allah blesses our efforts, and we achieve that which we asked for.

III

Tying the two together means that of course, it is not enough for me to want the above, or ask Allah for them, even in these holy nights. I have to act on them as well. And it's like I'm only realising this for the first time, though I'm sure it must have been repeated in other ways in tons of lectures I've listened to already. Just understanding this point has already made me aware of what I need to do next, for each of the above, and, God willing, I shall soon start to do just that.

iA.

Repentance & Gratefulness

He lets his tears speak for him
Nothing else will suffice
Words fail him, and he them
Prostrating, and genuflecting

As pure silence overwhelms all
In the dark before the dawn
His Lord has shown him mercy
Answering the unspoken prayer

Everything is possible again

---

Everything is possible again

Answering the unspoken prayer
His Lord has shown him mercy
In the dark before the dawn
As pure silence overwhelms all

Prostrating, and genuflecting,
Words fail him, and he them
Nothing else will suffice
He lets his tears speak for him

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Inspired by this poem. It's taken me ages to do it and be happy with the result.

Orson Scott Card & Ender's Game

I can't think of many books that have kept me up till late at night, refusing to let me sleep until I know how the story ends. Rarely can multiple books by the same author also have that effect on me. It's also kinda annoying, being passively in thrall to someone else's narration, but that's the price you pay for being a book lover.

Examples of books that have refused to let me go and kept me up until I finished the story (all recommended, by the way):

The Harry Potter series
The Da Vinci Code
The Lost Symbol
Shadow of the Wind
The Angel's Game
The Book Thief
A Thousand Splendid Suns
The Kite Runner
Cloud Atlas
Tales of the Otori series

A close friend recommended Ender's Game some time to me, and, as was my wont, I added it to the list on the side. But I didn't give it that much attention - after all, every item on my list is important, na? So I added it and left it, and picked off other stuff based on familiarity and guessing by the title.

Enter the author. I checked out an anthology of short fantasy stories from the library, mostly because some fictions by Neil Gaiman and Eoin Colfer were featured, and it was good. The final story, however, was a 100-page novelet by Orson Scott Card called Stonefather. It's hard to explain, but within the first few pages, I was gripped, as if I knew a master storyteller was telling his tale. It was 100-pages, but they flew by in no time, and I was left wanting more.

More I got. I checked out Ender's Game soon after that, and was totally blown away. I intended to get Speaker for the Dead soon after, but forgot, until about two months ago. This, too, was devoured late into the night. Followed soon by Xenocide and Children of the Mind.

Yes, it's sci-fi, but that actually matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It's like background. The Ender quartet is a moral tale set among the stars, and I am sure that few people in the world could have written what Card wanted to say. That I find it so fascinating right now, even though Ender's Game and Speaker for the Dead were written in 1985 and 1986 is just astounding. Or indeed that the author states Ender's Game was only written so that he could tell the tale he really wanted to, which was Speaker of the Dead, and he had to hone his writing skill for 10 years before he could actually write it. Wow.

Just read them. I've finished the original quartet, and will be reading the "Shadow" series soon. I can't wait.

Change

“The Doer of Good is better than the Good itself; and the Doer of Evil is worse than the Evil itself”

- Imam Ali (as)

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit."

- Aristotle

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestioned ability of a man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.”

- Thoreau

Do people change overnight? The answer is obvious (no). So how do they change then? Gradually, of course. (The above statements being not absolute rules, but the broad majority. Instantaneous change is possible, but rare, usually needing a really big catalyst).

Personality change is hard to explain. If the change is gradual, can it be accelerated? Can it be slowed down, yet still allow someone to say/think they are changing? How can you tell if you really are changing?

I'd explain it like this. Our selves are always changing, from second to second, minute to minute, and so on. But these changes are minute, almost imperceptible. And these changes are not consciously made. More like instinctively. As such, we are always changing, but we never know that we are, thinking that change only comes through conscious application of effort.

But change we do. And the cumulative change adds up, until suddenly we, or someone else, notices that we are not as we used to be - something has indeed changed. As such, change is both discrete and continuous, in that it is always happening, yet not noticed except in brick-like chunks. (you can then use the “bricks” to “build” or “change” your personality. It's a tortured metaphor. I apologise)

Change itself, the second to second, minute to minute thingy, is brought about by three things. Thoughts, words, and actions. Actions do more, and thoughts do the least, but they all account for our constant change. Hence the Hadith, as I understand it. The doer of good is better than the actual deed, for the doing of good has changed him, and he is now a better person. The converse holds for the doer of evil.

But people stagnate too, right? You look some people (or, God forbid, yourself) and think that they are the same they have been for years. All I can think of is the same starting premise - change is, for most people, unconsciously made. Over a day, a person might make a few steps in one direction, and then make the same in the other direction, all subconsciously. Thus at the end of the day, his net gain in either direction is nil, or if it is slightly more at the end of one day, it will be wiped out by the next day. So those who stagnate change as well, but their change over time is imperceptible, because so much of it is in opposite directions, just like how a graph that goes up and down, if looked at from a few steps back, will resemble a straight line.

The key then, as the other two quotes say, is conscious effort. Only when you are fully aware of all that you do, from second to second, can you then be fully in control of your own progress, your own change. Of course, that is extremely hard, but even in taking the first step, and being slightly more aware of what we do, and what reverses our progress, do we open the door to being even more so. .

The Holy Month of Ramadhan is one third gone, and in little over three weeks it will be fully gone. More than ever, in this period of time, we need to be fully aware of what we do, and do not do, for in this period of time our own potential growth is exponential. Don't waste it.

...

For the first time in two and a half years, I'm on holiday. I do feel slightly odd - I am so used to going to work, but I am still glad. I’ve been lucky enough to get these two weeks to overlap with the opening two weeks of the Holy Month. I wish it could have been the later two weeks (+ eid), but meh.

Now all I have to do is worry that I'm using these two weeks properly. It's four days in, and I haven't really done much. But the hope is always there, though now I'm beginning to think that “holiday” and “holy month” maybe shouldn't mix.

Stuff to do.

- clear out any junk, clothes, books, etc I don't need
- paperwork
- organise the house from top to bottom.
- think, write, read, think (again)

InshaAllah

On the Making of Videos

3 videos over 4 years. I'm not ecstatic about that rate of return, but I'll take it. My last was due last Sha'abaan, but I procrastinated so much I managed to only finish it this year. And that was close too.

Ahh well. Fee Sabeelillah. inshaAllah all three videos are of benefit to people who come across them.

I love making videos, but I have not the time I used to have anymore. And if I am to focus, I need to say no to some things. For the time being, making videos will be one of them. And this is this post in a nutshell.

I wanted to go on and on, and write how I decided what videos to make, or how I made them, or what my workflow was, or what software I used, or how long a typical video took. But that's ok. In these I recognise a need on my part to pontificate endlessly, though, in the grand scheme of things, what I would have had to say matters precious little. Ironic too that now I'm using words to describe what I don't want to use words for.

In an even smaller, yet more general nutshell: there is the doing of something. There is also the talking about doing of something. Pick.

My Third (And Last) Vid

I love this dua, and finally, after a whole year, I am done. Going by the recent Focus post, however, has led me to decide, for now, to not make any more videos for the time being. I will expand on this later, if I ever get time. For now, please remember me in your prayers on this most auspicious night.

On Focus

This is the Apple Keynote from WWDC in 1997, given by Steve Jobs


It's a wonderful video. He was ahead of the time, and the subsequent 14 years have proved him correct.

But one thing should be focused on, and taken from here, if nothing else. Focus itself. "Focus is about saying no". This resonated with me to a huge level. I know the solution, but am afraid to implement it. If you feel you are losing focus, then there is one solution that, although drastic, is guaranteed to work.

Cull.

*sigh*

where to begin?

...

My Lord…when the choice is between You and myself, please give me the strength to choose You every time. Far too many times have I made the wrong choice.

TV Habits II

Have a look at last year's post, to understand this one. This should be the third in a trifecta (I love that phrase) of movie/ entertainment posts, as I benefit the from the blessing of increased lucidity in this month. My aim in this is pretty much the same with all writing - get it out of my head, and onto some form of record, thus freeing up mental RAM. A short pencil is better than a long memory, definitely, though it looks like we have more digital equivalents now. Once I'm done, I intend to switch writing high level-thinkery posts. Or just finish that poem that I've been trying to write for two and a half months.

So…yeah. TV habits. A lot changes in a year, and my habits are now different. That we now have a freesat box that has an embedded hard drive probably has something to do with it, as any series that I want to watch can be recorded later. Which is probably not a good thing, but meh.

From last year, I think I've stopped watching two of my three faves. Heroes has been discontinued, and I kinda agree with the decision, even if I will miss it. The show was going nowhere, and it seemed like it was continually trying and failing to reproduce the magic of the first season, where multiple story arcs cleverly crisscrossed and converged to a brilliant finale.

House…well. As far as I know, the show is still running. Only I don't watch it. It was brilliant, and I loved the idea of a flawed-maverick-medical genius Sherlock Holmes, but I think, again the show has lost it's magic. If you haven't seen it, a few episodes still stick out as being exceptional, and should be watched - Three Stories (S1E21), No Reason (S2E24), the whole of Season 4, and Broken (S6E1-2).

Hustle is still about, and I still like it, though I miss the chemistry the original cast had. Will probably watch it when it's back. No real change there.

To new stuff now, and I might as well go and look at the stuff I've set to record on the freesat. Spongebob and The Avengers made the cut - there was never any doubt about these two. (Yes, I'm still a kid at heart)

Then there's Frasier. It's funny to watch two brothers so educated and cultured, with such high opinions of themselves end up in chaotic and sometimes quite bizarre situations. The show is not just comedy and chaos though…some incredibly delicate situations are portrayed and played perfectly. The armchair psychiatry that one picks up has proved remarkably useful in some situations too.

Less frequently, F1. This I can only watch with my brother, oddly. I have a passion for tech and an interest in cars, and my brother has a passion for cars and an interest in tech. F1 is the perfect intersection of both, and we can discuss for hours the ramifications of rule changes, component failures, tactical pitstops, tyre degradation - the whole lot. You probably don't want to listen to us do so, though, unless you want to be bored to sleep. I have come to appreciate F1 as a sport in it's own right as well - an incredibly heady mix of talent, technology, and tactics. I don't know why I only watch it with him though, and feel odd watching it when he's not present. I guess it's a social thing as well that we bond over.

And finally - White Collar. I love this show. When I talked about being able to appreciate stuff done right in the movies post, this is what I mean. Every detail of the show is done perfectly - casting, production, direction, acting, and the script. A brilliant take on setting a thief to catch a thief, which works on plenty of levels. Just watch it.

Done. Till next year. I hope to report something better then.

The Training Scene

So I mentioned in the movies post, that once you've seen too many films, you begin to notice formulaic elements within films. For example, in rom coms, the guy and girl will get on well for the first half, then fight in the second, only to reunite at the end for a happy ending (500 Days of Summer being the only exception I can think of). But my favourite element of all the films I watch, that I love watching over and over again, are the training scenes. You'll mostly find them in action/adventure movies.

A couple of my faves:

Rocky

Self explanatory.

Kung Fu Panda

This is awesome because the teacher here knows that traditional methods aren't working. He almost gives up, but then he figures out how to properly connect to his pupil, and it works beautifully.

Avatar

You wouldn't think it was, but it is. Jake Scully needs to learn how to use his avatar, and he does. The sound of a girl laughing at his early attempts ringing in his ears is a unique kind of motivation…. it's a guy thing.

Iron Man

Not a training scene as such, but still an excellently made piece of cinematic art. It's done in parts - the making of the suit, and the testing of the suit. The test is the part I love - you could call it a "first flight" scene. He soars, he dives, he tries to break the altitude record for a plane, and nearly dies, only to save himself by a total reboot. The joy of the audience in seeing him take flight is then balanced perfectly by a comical moment at the end.

Karate Kid

"Wax on, wax off". In first making Daniel do manual housework does Mr. Miyagi strengthen the boys muscles, which are then trained through actual martial art training. The best, in my opinion, is when Daniel sees Mr. Miyagi execute a move which finishes in the crane position. Daniel consistently attempts this throughout the movie, and finally uses it properly to win the tournament.

X-Men: First Class

I won't ruin this for you, as most people haven't yet seen it, but when a young Charles Xavier helps his mutant brethren learn to control and master their powers, it is done in the most beautiful way… even in his youth we see the person who becomes the Professor, whose life calling becomes to help others master their powers, oftentimes helping them face their fears first.

And so on, and so forth. I could go on at length. But what I love is the message behind them. Dedication, focus, commitment…putting in the hours will eventually lead to mastery in any field.

Go for it. If your life was to be made into a movie, what part would be made into the training scene?

Late Working

I've just finished a week of night shifts. Most interesting. The shop where I worked was being refurbished, and in order to minimise disruption to trading during the day, it was decided that I would stay behind with the contractors, supervise them, and lock up afterward. Such are the joys of being a Responsible Person. Of course, I will be remunerated adequately, but this post isn't about that.

What I was most impressed with was the quality of the guys who worked. They were craftsmen. There is no other way to put it. The person I liked most was the foreman, a great hulk of a man, and a Russian to boot. He was like a jack of all trades, able to help with electrical, mechanical, painting, joinery, whatever. And yet, always in charge, and still able to crack a joke with the workers every now and then.

And from this I have another resolution. Eventually, because I know it won't happen soon, I want to be more involved with building/ DIY. I have already assembled a large amount of the furniture in my own home, but I want to be able to do more.

Like I said, eventually. No rush for now.

On Movie Watching

Some time ago, I did a review of my top 10 apps. I mentioned that one of the best, especially for project management was the Things app. Only recently I looked at it, and saw this:


It's not so bad. A swipe down reveals past ones and logs the date:


Only....

Only....

Only if you told me a year ago that I'd be using my phone to keep a to-watch list, I'd have said I wouldn't dare waste something so potentially productive on something so patently procrastinative.

I must have (because I can't actually remember) added one movie as a separate to-do, then more, and then decided that it would make more sense to have a "project" dedicated to watching films. But where did this habit come from? I think I may finally have an answer.

It is no secret to any longtime reader of this blog that I wasn't really very happy for most of 2009. But in film, I could lose myself for 90 or so minutes. And so I did, with some regularity. But something else happened. After watching so many, you begin to be able to appreciate what makes a good movie, and a good story.

Other stuff that you begin to be able to do:
- Anticipate plot turns with increasing accuracy.
- Notice formulaic elements within the same genre of movies.
- Cringe more often with really bad acting/bad storytelling.

Result? Since then, I have watched a LOT of movies. A conservative estimate of movies watched would probably be something like 100, a liberal one something like 175. The truth lies somewhere in between, with perhaps a small chance that I have seen more.

Proof? I just did a little experiment. Without pausing, I was able to name 50 films that I had seen in the 2 years. That's a lot. At the very least all that time could be put to better use.

And it will. Eventually. I am healed now, so I don't need to turn to them for comfort anymore. Truth be told, I probably shouldn't have turned to them for comfort in the first place. Now I just look for exceptionally brilliant, well crafted tales, and, by and large, I find them. Now that I know what I seek, I know I don't need to spend to much time looking for them.

Anyway, I can at least put my knowledge to good use and recommend a few films. These are not universally well known, but they are all very well made. Enjoy.

- Empire of the Sun
- Bigger than the Sky
- Pan's Labyrinth
- Elizabethtown
- Bobby
- Up
- Twilight Samurai
- Open Range
- Spirited Away
- Fried Green Tomatoes
- The Usual Suspects
- A River Runs Through It
- Tron
- The Motorcycle Diaries
- Serendipity

Rajab

If my blog has one tradition, or anything approaching a tradition, then it is this: every year, I will write a post about Rajab (1431, 1430, 1429). As I write this, I keep on thinking back to the one three years ago. I remember it so clearly. I was waiting so intently for the sun to set. And I felt something immense when it did. I was so, so glad to be inside the blessed month.

A lot has changed since then. And a lot has remained the same. I just wish the anticipation in awaiting this month had remained the same. But it hasn't.

To be clear: I am not sad, or ungrateful, to be seeing this month. I just wish, as the years go by, that I could see some measure of progress, that I knew I was becoming better as a Muslim, and as a human. I am most definitely grateful to be blessed to be seeing another of these months.

From experience, I also know, and am grateful for, what is about to come. It seems that the only time I manage to get a purely transcendental look at my life is in the next three months, like a gift of clear thought after months of muddied thinking. I hope I'm able to make good use of it this time.

Wishing all peace and blessings in this holy month, iA.

Twitter

All of a sudden, I know what twitter is. Twitter is an aggregator of facebooky-type status updates. 140 characters is perfect for a quick update for your followers, or a witty line, or the spreading of news, etc. One can say it's the new kind of RSS feed.

hmm..

Should I join the twitterati? I'm not sure yet. I have an account, so that bit is sorted. I like the name I've got for it. We will see how it goes. I will either end up deleting my account, or becoming active enough to add the twitter to the links on the right. If I do end up using it, I know one thing for sure - I'll definitely be using tweetbot.

AhlulBayt TV Without Sky, Part II

By way of introduction, if you live in the UK, and want to watch ABTV, you have three choices.

- Live web stream.
- Sky channel 842
- Manually tuning a freesat box, assuming you already have a satellite installed.

There is a recent, new way, and another way which flows from it, but I'll get to them later. Notice also how simple the first two sound, compared to the third.

It's hard to explain how happy I was when I wrote the previous piece. I think I was just happy that I no longer had any reason to contribute to BSKYB's coffers. No watching of ABTV on their platform meant no chance of changing channels and being tempted to subscribe to their sports, movie, or leisure packages. By which I, mean to say, if you already are a subscriber to these, well, I don't think it wrong, but I'd rather not be one myself.

Anyway, the freesat box does have its own issues, which makes it a less than ideal solution. The channel requires you to watch in "non-freesat mode", which is annoying when you have something else to record, and it switches back to "freesat mode" to record it. In other words, you can't watch it any time you want, unless you decide not to record anything. That "freesat mode" and "non-freesat mode" are mutually exclusive is the real issue here, and one that I would assume could be fixed by a firmware or hardware update, but I think that would require too much common sense of the part of the makers of the boxes.*

So, there has to be a better way. I dont want to re-install the sky satellite box, and I don't want to rewire the dish to provide additional cables to hook up another freesat box. It's a simple solution, but not elegant, and somewhat ungainly to have exactly two of the same devices hooked up to one tv.

Which brings me back to the new ways. The main one is a new trial scheme which allows mobile devices to access the live stream as well. Which is brilliant. An increasing number of people have smartphones on their person now, and the stream is available for Android phones, BlackBerry phones (I assume for their upcoming tablet as well), and iOS devices (umbrella term for iPhones, iPads, and iPod Touches). And it's brilliant. I can't speak for the others, but streaming on both the iPhone and iPad is of exceptionally high quality, and I would recommend this over the actual computer web stream requiring flash.**

The other half was serendipitous, and comes in the shape of an Apple TV I just bought recently.*** One of the many, many benefits of an Apple TV is that an up-to-date iOS device can stream video or audio to the Apple TV - so you can see it on your big screen. And in the classic Apple way, it just works.

Brilliant. Of course, it's not that simple. Streaming video to an Apple TV is instantaneous from within any app (that allows it), but streaming from a website is a little bit more complicated. I can stream the audio straightaway, but not the video. Not without running this hack****. But once the hack is inplace and activated, it really is quite simple.

1. Find the saved bookmark on your home screen and tap it.



ABTV should now be playing on your iOS device.

2. Tap the airplay icon when playing. It should only show that you can stream audio to the device. This step isn't needed really, except for demonstrative purposes. Skip this once you've done it for the first time.



3. Run the script that activates the ability to stream video. The video should flash. That's it. Once you resume playing, the AirPlay icon should then show that you can stream both audio and video to your Apple TV. Obviously, select the Apple TV option.



4. The video is now streamed to your Apple TV, and within a second or two, will show up on your tv. You no longer need a satellite to watch it on your tv. Doing this wirelessly feels magical.



Again, step 2 is purely demonstrative, so all you need to really do is steps 1, 3, & 4.

What do you need to run this? An iOS device. Running 4.2 or better. I would recommend anything with the A4 chip or better, so the iPhone 4, the recent iPod touch, or either generation of iPad, though theoretically the third iterations of both iPod touch and iPhone should be able to do this as well. You also need an Apple TV (obviously), and a tv that can accept a HDMI input, which is pretty much all of them nowadays.

Back to the beginning. If you want to watch ABTV in the UK, you now have 5 choices:

- Live web stream.
- Sky channel 842
- Manually tuning a freesat box, assuming you already have a satellite installed.
- Web stream for mobile devices
- iOS web stream to an Apple TV from iOS devices.

5 ways (and more to come, hopefully). This is brilliant. This is on par with major news organisations, though ABTV has a fraction of their budget, and a small core of staff who pour their heart and soul into making it what it is. More than anything, they refuse to be static, and continue to be forward thinking, as evidenced in the smallest of ways by this post. Please support them - They are worth every penny.

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*Of course, the whole thing could be solved by telling AhlulBayt TV to become a freesat channel as well, but it's not my place. The channel has, in my opinion, done more than enough by simply existing, without having to go through a technical exercise to solve a niche problem for one viewer. In any case, the decision to have a web stream for mobile devices is orders of magnitude wiser than becoming a freesat channel

** A little jiggery-pokery with the stream URL allows me to tap into the address of the video stream meant for mobiles, and play that on my computer. In my opinion, that is actually better than the one requiring flash, both in terms quality, and in terms of resource strain on my computer. If you are ever given the choice between H.264 and flash, pick H.264.

*** I would have reviewed this in a blog post, but another post headed Designed by Apple in California would be a bit much, even for me. Take my word for it, the Apple TV is awesome.

**** It feels weird to describe it as a hack. The iOS platform is robust and curated, and what this simply is, is an elegant way to run a JavaScript applet on demand in MobileSafari, by turning the code into a clickable bookmark. Other applets, such as those that reveal the source code of a page are also available and can be activated through the same simple, elegant method.

The First (and Probably Only) Financial Advice Post

It is no secret to any reader of this blog that I love a certain tech company. I have done for nearly 9 years now. But I've never mentioned the following:

In 2002 (at the age of 14!!! I must be khoja), I was somewhat interested in stocks and shares and stuff. I kept on going on about this, and about Apple to my dad, and he made me an offer, which he thought would be educational. He would allow me to buy £500 worth of Apple shares. I declined then, and for various reasons, it does look like I made the right choice. Except for one thing. In 2002, Apple shares were trading at $15. As of yesterday, they were trading at $350 (LINK). Had I taken the risk, I would be sitting on £11k right now, and my dad's educational offer would probably have ended up teaching me the opposite lesson to the one he wanted me to learn.

I only mention this now, because of one fact that has just hit me. At $350/share, Apple is still cheap. I will say that again: at $350/share, Apple is still cheap (never mind that I can't even afford half a share right now). They have built a monolithic machine that is firing on all cylinders right now, but it has been done so incrementally, so you need to look back at the last 10 years to see all the pieces of the puzzle.

- From as long as the company has existed, there has always been an emphasis on quality hardware. The use of aluminium, glass, stainless steel, and polycarbonate plastics give a superior ergonomic experience to other devices, and an innovation in manufacturing processes in recent years, especially the unibody aluminium frame for the macbook range, has allowed them to produce exceptionally light, yet structurally rigid devices. A transition from IBM chips to Intel chips in 2005/6 allowed them to catch up in terms of computing power, and minimalistically themed designs means their devices *always* look good. Even the little things, like how the power adaptor magnetically attaches and cleanly detaches if it gets caught, or how all the ports are just lined down one side, show that every little detail has had some thought go into it.

- In 2001, they revamped their computer operating system, and have subsequently improved it with six major updates in 7 years. An eighth update is on the way, slated for release this summer. Combined with the hardware side, this sets the gold standard for personal computing. Making your own hardware, operating system, and software is a risky choice, but it has paid off handsomely for Apple. That their computers can run Windows (shudders) if you really, really need to, and are good citizens in Windows dominated environments is a tempting insurance policy for those not yet ready to take the plunge. And it's working. For the past 4-5 years, they have outperformed the PC market, and yet still more than half of their sales come to people who have never used a Mac before.

- In 2001, they branched out from the computer business, and started to make iPods. They went after, and won, the top end of the market, then the mid-range, with the iPod mini and nano, and eventually, the low range, with the shuffle. The companion software, iTunes, has grown over the years to include not only music, but movies both to rent and buy, podcasts, and a huge selection of free video and audio from the world's top universities. Both iPods and iTunes are market leaders in their categories.

- 2007 saw the launch of the iPhone. This was a revolution. Just go back to 2006 and see how "smart" phones at the time handled email, internet, contacts, etc. Subsequent updates and iterations have brought 3G, GPS, an App Store, a best-in-class screen, and built in video-calling that requires absolutely no set-up and configuration. Also a result of engineering the iPhone was the iPod Touch, with pretty much the same features, the same robust OS, iteratively improved, save for the GSM/3G radios and GPS. And a result of the widespread adoption of these? An App Store that developers develop for first, which has had billions of software downloads. The iPod Touch and the App Store are market leaders in their categories, and the iPhone has something like 4% of the market share, but if we look at the segment for high end phones, it is the leader.

In 2010, they released the iPad, and kick-started the tablet market after various high profile failures by other companies. It looks like people really do like using their fingers on a big screen. You know it's a hit when their competitors scramble to release half-ready stuff to the market to compete. Already, within a year, it has made more money for Apple than their traditional mac business.

What am I leaving out? iLife, Apple TV, iWork, MobileMe, how Apple were within a few days of dying in 1996, and a few other things. But if you really want to know, you'll find out ;)

Simply, it comes down to this: Apple has four major hardware sections. The Mac, the iPod, the iPhone, and the iPad. And all are doing extraordinarily well. And the company has shown that it's not going to rest on it's laurels. So the exceptional performance will continue.

Soon they will hit $400, 450, 500 per share. Get them now.

[Fiction] My Most Prized Posession

You will see, that my most prized possession, is not held by me. It is held by her, the only ring to grace her fingers, and the story behind it is magical. She doesn't like to hang on to anything (in fact, she's more generous than I am), but ask for the ring, and she will hesitate, ever so slightly, before taking it off and handing it to you.

It was in our early days. We were going through some financial strife, and looking back on it, I see it as some sort of test that brought us closer together. Anyway, I had somehow scraped a little in secret, and was hoping to pay off a debt early. I headed off to the lender of the debt, feeling quite happy with myself. I didn't have to pay it off then - if we had kept going as we had been, it would have been cleared in a few months anyway. But I was restless, as I kinda am even now, to be out of borrowership, even if in a small way.

Of course, that didn't happen, which is why I'm telling you this story. I stopped outside the door of the lender, and only here did I first feel that maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Unbidden, a memory came to me. As you get older, the details fade, but you remember the emotions. You always remember the emotions.

------------

I'm home. I'm tired, or some such. I'm also feeling some pain in my heart, though I don't know where it comes from. And she's going on about something, as females do, though for the life of me I don't know what it is. I walk to her, and place a finger gently on her lips.

"Shhhhh. I need you to be my wife. Come sit with me."

And we sit, resting heads on each other. In total silence. And in 15 minutes, I don't know how, but I am healed. And I am grateful to her. And grateful for her.

------------

I can't. I know she wouldn't mind if I did, but I still can't. It would shame me. So I turn around, and head off to the market, and see if I may find something that I may gift to her. It's about time I did something like that anyway.

The markets were rubbish. I wanted to get her something special, but didn't know what. All I knew was that I would know it when I saw it. Which, I have to admit, annoyed a significant number of the stallholders, a lot of whom had gone through the significant trouble of showing me all that they had to sell, only for me to shake my head at the end. Nothing appealed. No clothing. No homewares. Nothing trinket-y, either.

I had almost given up, when I saw her stall. It was different, but I didn't actually figure out what was unique until I looked again. It was empty. There was just her, a wizened old lady, and a dusty, bare stall. She was looking down, but raised her head, and met my eyes. And I felt like a little boy looking into the eyes of experience itself.

I walked to her stall, and asked her why her stall was empty.
"It's not empty"
"Not empty?"
"No, it's not."
"OK. Lets say I agree. What are you selling then?"
"Exactly what you are looking for."

With a practiced flourish, she brought out a box hidden under the counter, and placed it in front of me. It is made of dark wood, and I see no hinges, so the lid must lift clean out. Curves and straight lines are engraved throughout the box, both lid and bottom, making circles, waves, triangles and various other geometric shapes, which seem to meet in random, yet ordered points of symmetry. It was ornate, and intricate, and it seemed that the contents had to be quite something to come from a box which had itself go so much attention.

"It is in here. I can guarantee it. And I can guarantee something else too."
"Oh? Do tell."
"I can guarantee that she will love it."
She couldn't have known, could she?
"Hmmm. Let's say I believe you. What will it cost me?"
"I will accept every coin on your person"
"What if I have one copper coin?"
"A risk I am willing to accept."
"And if I have nothing worth trading with?
"Then you get it for free. I have laid this same offer before five different people today, and all have declined."
"And if I decline?"
"No pressure on you. In the end, there will be someone who accepts."

I weighed up the risk that the box would have nothing inside, and I decided to take it. If there truly was nothing, then she could consider it a gift, and my search would continue, only now I would have the perfect box. I took out all that I had, which was a tidy sum, and handed it over, praying that I had made the right decision.

"You will not regret this, kind sire. If you have doubts in the future, remember that I consider this more than fair exchange"

I took the box, thanked the lady, and turned around. I opened the box, found that it had a velvet pouch, and inside was a ring. The ring. And already, it was worth orders of magnitude more than I had exchanged it for. I turned to protest that I had paid too little for it, and would want to give her more when I was able, but she was gone. The stall was empty.

I began to make my way home, and examined it in more depth. The style was simple enough, a gold band, with strips of silver bordering it on both sides. But there was a small problem. Three small ones. Where there has been three gemstones, there were now three empty holes. I could only guess that, one by one, they had been taken out and sold, but for whatever reason, they were not enough, so the lady had taken the ring to the market, and got whatever she could for it. Her last words were of little comfort. I looked back, and the stall was gone too.

Outside the house, I debated the best way to give it to her. In the end, I decided the simplest method would be the best. I walked in, and after exchanging greetings, I bring my finger to my lips this time, and take her hand. Her face betrays puzzlement, but she lets me. I then take out the ring, and slide it on her finger, and ask her the question with my eyes. And in her eyes I get the answer I hope for. I explain the whole story then.

"I love it." (The old lady was right, then)
"Really?"
"I do. I love it."
"I wish the ring were more complete."
She smiled. "Don't worry about it. I love it as it is. But I know what you are like. So complete it, over the coming years. No need to hurry. In a way, it could be seen as a metaphor for us..."
"How so?"
She grinned. "Work in progress."

And she was right. Over the years, one by one, the gaps were filled. Ever so often, I went to a jeweller I knew, and asked to see if he had any suitable loose gems, but rarely were they what I was looking for. The cut was wrong, or the finish, or just the way it it caught the light. But we stumbled upon perfect specimens at remarkably synchronistic times. I was able to put a turquoise on one end soon after the birth of our first child. An emerald went on the other end when our house was fully paid off - we were finally debt free. And I completed the ring with a ruby a few weeks before our 25th anniversary.

I went back to the same place in the market over and over again. I never saw her, and none of the regular traders recall anyone like her. I keep on thinking it was a dream, that I must have imagined it, but the ring is there, on her finger, as real as can be.

Odd.

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This is a fusion of two different stories I tried to work on. I am not sure the fusion works, but I am sure beyond doubt that this is better than the two stories individually.

Enjoy - it's been a while since I wrote a long fiction.

[Fiction] Furniture

Amid the sounds of grunts and groans, some progress is being made. I hope anyway. Ok. Lets see if I got this right. She wants the bookshelf here, the TV stand over there, and the two sofas side by side, erm, right....here.

Right. Here she comes.

[15 minutes later]

Yes, I was wrong.

I forgot the dining table. Ok let's go again. Dining table (and chairs) go here, bookshelf goes there, TV stand over there, and sofas go side by side....there. But I have a nagging feeling I've missed something...ahh well, here she comes.

[15 minutes later]

Ahhh. I knew I'd forgotten something. The wrong order. Ok, quickly now. This here, that there, these there, and that here. Done. Please be done. Here she comes.

"Finally. Is this how you wanted it?"
"I did"
"Did?"
"Yes. This is exactly how I thought I wanted it"
"And do you still want it like this now?"

A pause. She's not exactly thinking, as such, but just consulting a feminine sense that us males have no access to. I wait with bated breath. Eventually, a decision is reached.

"No. We will have to put everything back exactly how it was. Do you remember where everything used to be?"
"Yes" (Or I hope I do, anyway)
"Good. I'll leave you to it."

*stumblemumblegrumble*

"What was that?"
"Nothing, darling."

[Fiction] Remember Me

Remember me

Please.

I have not much time left, and as I look back on the events of my life, I see my interactions with all my fellow humans, but this time stripped of personal bias. I see them for what they are, and it feels too late to finally see them so. So many times I thought I was right, and I may well have been, but the way I acted was wrong.

I am sorry. So sorry. I have not enough time for penance by deed, so please accept my apology by word. I see times where I have hurt some without intending, and others where I kinda knew I would, but did not care. What annoys me most was that it was all so petty. I know not whether all those who I have interacted with will read this in time, but I put these words out there in hope that enough of those will do.

If I have hurt you, again, I ask for your forgiveness. Remember me, and send some prayers and blessings my way. Please. And if, perchance, you are one of the few who I have not hurt, or have never even met me, still, I ask you to remember me, and send prayers and blessings my way. You can never have too many of these, and my own supply is dangerously low.

It is the nature of things that I will be remembered less and less frequently as time goes by, and soon, I expect, I will be remembered by nobody. Such is life. And, of course, it is quite possibly wrong, that now, when very little remains in my hands, that I resort to asking everyone I know and everyone I don't for forgiveness and prayers.

But this is me. What else could you expect? Don't let it be you, though. Please don't.

Remember me. And forgive me. And pray for me.

Please.

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I'm not sure whether to call this fiction or not. On balance, I will, but how do we know we won't be saying these very words on our death beds?

The Love Poem

I walk home to the sweetest smile
Though I've only been away a while
But darent meet those mesmeric eyes
For I know I'll lose myself inside
I do my best to repay the smile in kind
As observations race through my mind
And I see all over all that you do
Though it's simply second nature to you
Daily stunned by your gentleness and care
Infusing all you do with a grace so rare
Eventually, when I collect my wits,
A few words come unbidden to my lips...
A line more heavy than all my tomes:
Only with you could I make my home

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For nobody in particular. I wrote this as a test - if I can feel so horribly low a few weeks ago, yet be able to write a soppy love poem now, then maybe there's hope for us all, na?

23

Twenty three years are marked today
The gift of time is slipping away
For all this, what have you to show?
A little here and there...not much though
Distracted am I from doing more
By life's constant ebb and flow
as in tending to small things
greater deeds are allowed to go....

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There's a nagging voice, at the back of my head, that refuses to let go. And it makes me feel that, by now, I should have done more. I dunno. I kinda agree, even though I don't know why I do. I don't know what I want to do, and am happy where I am for now.

*sigh*

I went and looked back at my previous birthday entries, those for my 21st, and 22nd, and see the same or similar threads running through them all. Hmmm. One of these days I'm going to spend a whole day outside the house and spend it just thinking, and writing. Right now, all I have is a lot of questions.

Minimalism.

Strip away all you dont need
Leaving behind the essential core
Get rid of clutter and fluff
Set down the burden of "more"

Give yourself time and space
Away from having to store
Eliminating pointless distractions
Brings real life to the fore

From shallow to deep we go
Our true nature restored
Because from simplicity
True elegance unfolds.....

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Further reading

Considering that my poem is about minimalism, do I really need to write any more?

Dreams

I bid farewell to my dreams of old
equal parts of piety and gold
dreams which I myself mis-sold
and in their pursuit tried to remould

I wrote them out in three different ways
making sure that they do not stay
one went to wind, another to waves
and of the third, only ashes remain

A blank page before me, white and pure
waiting patiently for dreams anew
maybe these will be worthy of pursuit
as I bid my old ones adieu

------

Another weak one. Apologies

Moving On..

The heart is like a magical tablet upon which the names of other people get to be written. The order in which they are written is different though. Not alphabetically, or chronologically, but in an altogether more relevant way. People are ranked in order of the emotional intensity you feel for them. Both positive and negative. You have people you like, and dislike, and love, and hate. I dislike very few people who I meet in my day to day life (can't actually think of any right now), and hate nobody, though I did get very close two years ago, and was saved through the sage advice of wise friends. Hate is a poison- stay away from it.

I did think that I had processed and expressed all the negative feelings regarding the person in question, but it looks like I was wrong. Some news I got yesterday released some feelings it would appear I had repressed, and I got dangerously close to my low points of two years ago. Were I still plagued with self hate, this probably would have manifested into something quite ugly. Alhamdulillah for that, if nothing else.

Quick to follow were intense feelings of sadness and pain, and then a venting of them, followed by a sense of numbness, and the smallest feeling that things will get better. I feel subdued today, but will probably be back to my usual self soon enough. (The cup final tomorrow should help as well).

I hope that this is the end of the chapter for good. For all I know, the person in question has changed for the better, whilst I remain in a state of relative stagnation.

Meh. It will be over soon, and I hope one day to be able to say...that I once knew a person by that name.

Leadership, Teething Trouble

I was promoted on the strength of my past performance, my enthusiasm and dedication, and whatever potential my managers saw in me. But now I'm responsible to managing a small team, and my perspective has had to shift. Put another way, I'm not worried about my own game, but being responsible for the game of others, is somewhat challenging. I will grow into it, I'm sure, but I would be naive to expect that this transition would be quick and painless. Knowing that INTJs are supposed to be good leaders, makes me think I'm missing something, or maybe I'm just not as INTJ as I thought I was.

My problem, as I see it now, would be that when times are good, then I don't have to do that much, just focus on my own performance, as such, and keep operations running smoothly. However, what do I do when things aren't so good? And it's related to the individual performances of a few members? I don't have it in me to be mean, so I'm sure that there has to be some way I can raise the performance of a few others when they're flagging in a gentle, guileless, manner. Targets are important. They keep you focused. But I never want to make them more important than the people I'm responsible for.

Ever.

[Fiction] Secret Keeper

A wishing well? Why would I want to be a wishing well? Aren't there enough of those already? And what would I do with all the coins that would come my way? Mostly of which are going to be coppers, or foreign? Nahh....real job fulfilment comes from being a keeper of something more that just coins. Secrets. That's what I keep, and I'm pretty good at it too.

Actually, I'm the only one, which means I'm the best. (Being the only one means I'm pretty much any superlative quality, so I can be the best as well as the worst, but I try not to dwell on the negatives). Hundreds of years people have been spilling to me, and I've kept every single one. Some just come here and think about what they want to unload, but I know what they're thinking. Some actually talk out loud, feeling as if they're unloading to someone. They are, but they don't know who to. And some had a flair for the theatric, and wrote them on paper. People write to remember, but these wrote to forget.

It is, of course, true, that burdensome secrets, once shared, are halved. And so all of them, all who thought, or spoke, or wrote, found their hearts lighter. If they felt that they had actually shared them with someone....well, they would have been half right. A person, no; but a presence, yes. A few idiots still thought then, as a few still think now, that I was a normal wishing well, and tossed a few coins in. I used to be annoyed, but I saw their thoughts at the moment they threw the coins, and roughly half of these wishes were secrets as well, and so in a sense I was still having secrets shared with me, and was satisfied. The rest, I maintain, are morons.

I've done this for more than a few years now, and whilst you would think there would be recurring themes, there isn't really that much to go on, except for one major thing. More than half have been inspired by guilt, though they need not be - people think that they are worse than they are, or have done things worse than they think they have, especially to the people closest to them. A few poor souls have even gone so far as to think they are unforgivable. Poor souls indeed. For most of them, the obvious answer would simply be to go to the person, and ask forgiveness. But I can't tell them that. I can only take their secrets, and help them feel lighter.

Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you.

What ails you? Your secret is safe with me.....

An Old Quote....

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

-George Bernard Shaw

Something I haven't read or ruminated on in years, but I randomly remembered it yesterday.

Alhamdulillah

I got promoted at work today. I started this job as a way to get some more money at uni. Two years ago. I've been out of uni since June '09, and whilst I did look for other better-paying jobs, nothing materialised. So I put my head down, and worked with enthusiasm and dedication. And it has paid off - if nothing else, whatever your job, display the same, and you'll be fine.

I don't know if I'll stay, or what my future holds. Only God knows. All I know is that I'm grateful today. Very grateful.

Alhamdulillah.

Football II

I dine at football's top table tonight
as the blaugrana play the red-and-white
two teams keeping total football alive
in systems that help the attackers thrive
consummate artisans of skill and poise
play each other in cauldrons of noise
silk and steel, and blood and thunder,
filling onlookers with awe and wonder
as all football fans will say that day;
this is how it should be played...

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Or at least, that's what I'm hoping it will be like. I wrote (IV) about how my previous football poem acted as a sort of cathartic release for me, and allowed me to stay away from getting too involved in football. Which is kinda what I needed at the time. The prospect of this match has me buzzing, however, and I am back to my football-following ways, if only for a short while again.

My two favourite club teams will play each other on Wednesday night, and again in 3 weeks time. They play a brand of football unmatched by others, where pace, precise passing, technical brilliance and creativity mix to create chance after chance after chance. If I had to pick one match to show what I love about football to someone who doesn't like football, this would be it.

If you can, please watch it. You won't regret it.

(Now that I've said all that, it will probably turn out to be an ultra-defensive, extremely stale affair. Please watch it anyway)

Two Sides of Me

I warily walk between the divide
that separates between heart and mind
not yet knowing if by design
whether these two should be entwined

The first to develop, a gifted brain
arbiter of all that is wise and sane
playing easily with numbers and ideas
but few of its grand designs remain

the late bloomer be the poets heart
playing with words, less science than art
connecting with others in ways that spark
leaving small residues as their mark

Squabbling and quibbling forever are they
One leaving when the other stays
Refusing to co-operate, in every way
Contributing to each other's decay

Though they fight, I still choose both...

One day I'll quell these two sides of me
and place them both in service of He

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A weak effort. Sorry - but I had to write something

Ahlulbayt TV without Sky

YES!!!!

I always thought the only way to get ABTV in the UK was through Sky. No more. If you're in the UK, you can get it as a Free-to-Air satellite channel, using a FreeSat setup, though finding it is a somewhat technical and convoluted process, requiring a little patience and a little more time.

Of course, you do need to have a satellite dish already installed, pointing to 28.2E, and a capable receiving box (any FreeSat box should theoretically do), but from then on it's relatively simple. In a nutshell, all you have to do is set the box to scan for any and all free channels, and it should pick it up, along with a whole host of others. Brilliant.

There are a few downsides. One is that you can only see what's now and next. There is no 7 day programming guide, but I can get that on the web anyway. And a one-touch recording of a series on ABTV will not happen. There are a few kinks to iron out regarding being in "freesat mode", and being in "non-freesat" mode, and the limitations of each, but I'm happy to live with them.

Alhamdulillah.

The Post Mortem

Has it really been 40 days? Already? It seems that these aren't enough, but they are up. As per usual, now is when I mentally go through the past 40 days and evaluate my progress towards the tough, tough goal. Initial impressions are that it won't be as successful as the first, but, thankfully, not as bad as the second, Alhamdulillah.

As I wrote earlier, so I visit the rules again:

no msn-ing, no gaming on my iPhone, no movies or TV shows, minimal forum posting, and possibly less blogging

The one that I can say I managed to keep best of all was the gaming one. I signed out of Game Centre at the start, and didn't sign back in until I started to write this blog, and then remembered that I was signed out. Strangely, whilst I was kinda hooked on the games, and especially on getting achievements before I started, I didn't miss them afterwards. I guess it's not that important to me anymore, and though I have a decent-ish enough collection of game apps to keep me entertained (48 at the last count), I see them only as distractions now. I will probably spend a little time gaming, but nowhere near as much as before.

Msn-ing was different. I have a few friends on gtalk, and a few more on msn. I doubt I talk to more than 10 people in total via instant messaging, but I didn't anticipate that I would be asked to come online again so frequently - which I eventually ended up doing. Evidently I'm more in need than I thought I was, which is perhaps a good thing, but I made sure I stayed away from idle chitchat (mostly).

Movies/TV shows was easy. I avoid the TV anyway, except for news and sport, and can remember only breaking this a few times, for shows that were almost, but not quite worth it. I'm not sure they ever will be... in this respect, I'm glad I don't watch it much anyway, and intend to cut down even more.

Foruming was different. Within one day, I was asked to become an admin for one forum, and chatmod for another. Of course, I said yes to both - an excellent chance at least to see if my time management skills have improved, and a chance to be of more use than I was at the time (as a side note, if you want me to do anything, just ask, and I'll probably say yes anyway). I'd like to think I'm doing a good job for both, though I could always improve. As for forum posting...I know I cut down a lot, but still have the feeling that maybe I should have done more.

Blogging...well...see for yourself. A few posts, but hopefully these have more depth than the usual. I have ideas in my head for a few more, so we'll see where that goes...

I have also managed to integrate one supererogatory act into my daily routine, and am glad I have. I fell the difference in having done so, and especially felt the difference in the 4 days that I didn't do so (I won't reveal what it is, but, imagine something that doesn't take up much time, and can be done at any time). I also set myself another goal, which I'll keep hidden for now, but got nowhere near achieving it. I know I can do it, but this will take some effort on my part, and a more intelligent application of my time - growth comes with stretching yourself, but I think this one was too much of a stretch considering the time I allocated for it. inshaAllah soon.

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This is the third. I'm honestly doubting whether I'll put the fourth online 10 months from now. I'm not sure at what point these change from "Look what I did!! you can do this as well!!" [inspiration] to "Look what I did!!" [bragging]. I guess it all comes down to intention, but I still don't want these to be interpreted the wrong way. We'll see closer to the time.

For My Brothers a-Courting....

It's not hard to imagine a situation that goes like so:

Boy: I love you with all my heart :)
Girl: Just your tiny heart?
Boy: And my soul~!!
Girl: Then, what is left for Allah?

As an aside - this is what (a large number of) women will do. It's like an born-with skill, where they are very sweet when drawing information out of you, but not so sweet when they use said information against you. When she calls his heart "tiny"...well, thats a really good touch, because he overcompensates to impress her, and it backfires. It doesn't help that most men are willingly stupid around members of the opposite gender, but there you go.

Of course...a valid point is raised. The answer lies in the following beautiful extract:

“If we say the love of God removes all other loves, it is true. But what is truer is that all other loves come alive and find their spirit through the love of God. And therefore a person becomes full of love and mercy. And let me say it openly: No one except one who has given his heart to Allah knows how to love.”

- Shaheed Hemmat

Emphasis on the final line. So obvious, yet still in need of pointing out. The love for Allah needs to be the primary love, the one that comes before all else, especially when choosing a spouse. One line that remains with me from this past Muharram's lectures was this: "The best spouse is that who will take you closer to Allah". And that's what should be important. If you end up in a conversation like the one above (although you really shouldn't), and the girl ends up questioning your commitment to serving your creator, don't let her go. She's got her priorities right.

Of course, saying one thing, or faking your beliefs to get the girl are totally wrong. I'm not going to pretend that people kinda hide the worst parts of themselves when they are courting - that's human nature, and I guess when the time comes, I will end up doing it to some extent, but still end up surprised when I found out she hid the fact that she can't stand Apple (for example*). But, and especially with regard to this - I would rather own up and say that whilst the extract shows my eventual aim, I'm probably at the lowest possible level right now, and have a longer way to go than anyone who reads this.

And when, I hear you ask, will I be implementing this in my life? (Maybe you don't ask, but I'll answer anyway). For me, my thoughts are polarised (and have been for a while now) between really, really wanting to get married, and really, really not wanting to get married for fear that I'm not worthy enough. Not in terms of material value, (I'm infinitely better off without someone who judges my worth on how much worldly stuff I have - being a minimalist has its benefits here as well), but as to whether I can handle such a great responsibility. This extract sums up how I feel:

Once people insisted upon a man to take a wife. He did not agree and began to weep much. They said, “Why should you weep? If you do not want a wife, just say so? He replied, “What made me weep is another thing. I have not yet taken a wife. I must first carry my own load to destination to make myself worthy of Paradise. If I take a wife then it will be upon me to save that lady also from hell. I am myself yet not fortunate enough to pass through the Sirat Bridge how shall I make my wife worthy of Paradise!” Everyone who takes a wife takes upon himself a huge responsibility as the Holy Qur’an says: O men! Save yourself and your family from hellfire.



You cannot talk only about yourself. If you have a wife, it is obligatory for you to hold her hand to take her away from hell as you are the head of the family. Another responsibility imposed by Qur’an is to live nicely with her. Whatever excessive faultfinding, you are doing with your wives is all against the Shariat of Islam. The load of responsibilities on man is indeed heavy.

- Ayatullah Dastaghaib Shirazi

I showed this to a friend, and they disagreed, not with the blessed scholar's opinion, but with my own interpretation of what it means to me. Yes, if my reasoning is correct, then nobody would get married, which would be absurd. And yes, everyone is worthy of being loved and getting married. For me, the time is not yet (of that I am 100% certain), though I sense it getting closer. Whilst before I wouldn't allow myself to even imagine this happening, now I can allow myself to see it in the middle distance. With Allah is the best of plans, and I leave it in His hands. May Allah guide the unmarried closer to Him through marriage, and the married closer to Him through mutual love and respect, inshaAllah.

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*Be honest. Who groaned when I said Apple?

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My good friend H has switched from Wordpress to Tumblr, and it's updated every day - something new is always waiting for me when I wake up. I totally recommend following her. Tumblr is different - its more suited for micro-blogging, where a few words, or an image, or a video, or a prayer all "tumble" out of your head in a very neat follow-my-stream-of-consciousness kind of way. Also cool is a "reblogging" feature, which makes it easy to post something already posted that you like, whilst showing where you originally got it from, which just adds to the effect. The neat thing is that these very diverse elements, when juxtaposed against each other tend to spark new ideas, and new ways of seeing things. This blog is sourced from three different postings on her site (I, II, III).

Thanks, H.

Focus 2011

It was my intention that this post would be the last one of 2010, and thus be my 100th for that year. No matter - this will now the first post of 2011, and I hope to continue posting away throughout the year. Again, like last year, the new year period for the Islamic and Gregorian calendars overlap, and both lend themselves to a sense of reflection, and a hope for renewal, and (re)generative growth. What's been bugging me are the ideas I laid down in the attention post. What I choose now will be intensely important, as these then become my areas of focus for the upcoming year, largely to the exclusion of pretty much all else. So I have to make sure that they are worth doing to the exclusion of all others, and be sure that if I achieved these, and these only, I would be happy, no matter what.

Financial

I have a deep hatred of two things. One of them is debt, and the second is debt with interest. These hates are secondary, and they flow from me hating the idea of dying in debt, and my family consequently burdened by them. I've always felt this way, but my Series on Materialism brought this to the fore (also, if you haven't done so, I recommend you read that series. I think it my best writing to date). And so, since October-ish, I've been clearing my debts, one by one, and gradually a sense of peace is coming to me. I look back at the progress made in just a few months, and I am happy. In more than one way, debt to me is a limiter, a restrainer, and affects the choices available to me at any one time. As such, clearing debt to me would not feel like growth, but rather something that needs to be done as a precondition to true growth.

Procrastination

It is too easy to completely waste the gift of time by filling it with rubbish. To this end, I'm going to make sure that, as every day progresses, I waste less and less time. This is going to probably be the toughest of the lot. Nevertheless, i want to, by the time this year is over, waste not a single second of my waking moments. The key here is being fully engaged in all that you do, and not therefore living some aspects of your life under a kind of autopilot. I want to be more clear in what I mean by this, but can't come up with examples, or metaphors that extend themselves enough to encompass what I mean to achieve. I'll lay down an indicator though - when each day is done, I want to be able to say, eventually, that there was no way I could have spent my time better. That's the target, and it's a big one, and hopefully iterative and conscientious applications of the indicator help me towards this goal. inshaAllah.

Minimalism

I am still committed to this, but will approach the goal differently. My house is not my own, nor are all of the possessions in it. As such, any wide-ranging changes I hoped to make in this area last year were quashed, and though I made enough progress to be satisfied with, the obstacles to my goal warranted a re-think of strategy. Consequently, this year I will focus exclusively on my own stuff, and see where I can pare down my possessions to the minimum possible. To this end, I'm going to dedicate at least an hour a week to clearing out stuff, which over the year will add up to 50-odd hours, inshaAllah. If I can finally get round to doing that inventory that I've been meaning to do, that would be a bonus as well.

The above three kinda mesh in a holistic way, if looked at correctly. For a while now, I have felt like an insect trapped in the spider's web that is this world, and feel that extricating myself in the best way possible requires a large amount of tact, delicacy, and forethought (another metaphor is available, but I think the soul-as-trapped-bird has been done enough times in mystical poetry), and in achieving these three I will be able to both focus on the afterlife more than I am now, and one by one, cut the cords that tie me to this one.

Other Stuff

I have some other focus points for the year, but these are not set as much in stone - I consider these to be "paths to explore", rather than "paths laid down". As such, I will give time and attention to them, but I may find eventually that time and attention is better spent elsewhere, and decide to pause the exploration, or abandon it altogether, without feeling that I should rigidly stick to a path that may not be right for me.

Stuff like this includes:

- Learning how to code. Languages would be HTML, CSS, C, and Objective-C (for iOS devices)
- Learning to drive. Is it time yet? Maybe.
- More travelling.
- Optimising/tweaking various aspects of life. This may or may not be a law of diminishing returns.

And so on. There may be others I haven't thought of yet.

The missing area

Religion/spirituality is conspicuous by its absence on this list. Suffice to say I have plans in this areas, but will not lay them down on paper for now. These remain with me, for the time being. Also, it makes little sense for me to post them now, because I've kinda already started in this area, from early Muharram. Anyway, if I see fit to write them down in a later post, I promise to do exactly that, and update this post.

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So that's it. 3 goals, or 3 facets of the same goal, and one hidden goal. Last year I made 8 resolutions, and achieved half of them, and was satisfied. This year, I make 4, and will be over the moon if I achieve only half again.

Onwards and upwards, inshaAllah.