Do it with love....

From a lecture...

"Do it with love
Or don't do it at all"

That's all that needs to be said.

Inventory

It is time.

Yep, it is time for me to take stock of my possessions. I need to know truly what ties me to this world. I need to know what I own. And what I owe. And what I need. And what I don't.

I've written my will (depressing...all it had was debts), and I've sort of dealt with my possessions through the will, but its in a very sort of vague way, ("I want my estate to be dealt with as per the Sharia rules of of the Shia school of thought on distribution of property after death" - what a mouthful). This would be adequate, but its the bare minimum, and I feel I have to do better.

There are a few reasons. One leads on from the above...If I don't catalogue properly what I do and do not own, then I burden the executors of my will to do the same. Not good...me already dead, yet oppressing people beyond the grave. A related point would be that if I know what I have, and what I want done, I need not wait until death to do those things..I can do them whilst I still can, and not make the duty of my executors so tough...I seem to remember a related hadith on this point, but can't recall the exact wording.

The other is that a detailed inventory will allow me to know exactly what I have accumulated, and subsequently what I don't really need to accumulate anymore, and maybe stuff I don't even need at all, which I can begin giving away. Also interesting to see would be what I'm most attached to, and whether I can work on cutting the ropes that tie me to this life. (I don't see the point of this part much....as I already know I'm not attached to much, except for my laptop...but this has to be done, as there could always be something I've missed.)

Some sources for my current thoughts:
– "Take what you need, and enough for you is what you reach your destination by" - Im sure that this is the wording of the hadith, though I can't provide a reference.
– the verse that mentions how one of the marks of a believer is that he gives what he truly loves, in charity, for the sake of Allah... (which probably means I'll have to give this laptop away one day....) again, no reference, but I will find it.

So when does this happen? Well...not now, but in the near future. I need a dedicated block of time, where I can solidly work on this, and dedicate perhaps a whole week or so just to this. I want an incredible amount of detail, which should give me the potential for an incredible amount of scrutiny. So the upcoming easter holidays should be ok, or, failing that, the summer. If anything happens to me then, the will I made before should be adequate cover.

The Comet

It traverses its orbit
as it has done
for thousands of years

But this time
It sees
a wondrous sight.

two suns
approaching
each other.

the mutual pull
of gravity
inescapable.

It's trajectory
takes it closer
and it can see better.

Eventually
It will be beautiful
when the two meet.

For while
it dreams of
replacing one.

And taking part
In this
celestial dance.

then chastises itself
for daring to dream
above its station.

But it can't
stay and watch
forever

It has to leave
as its momentum
pushes it away

and it is doomed
to follow its orbit
over and over again

It leaves a trail
of dust and ice
and sorrow

It will eventually be glad
it was able to witness
something so beautiful

The Master

He approaches his master
with a flower in hand
which he has picked

He has picked
the best he could find
"This, sire, is for you"

The master smiles.
he knows it has come
From his own garden

Yet he is pleased.
Not because
of its value
for he has millions
of these
some better.

No.
He is pleased
with the sincerity
with which the servant
offered it to him.
And rewards him
abundantly,

------

From a story I heard in a lecture.

The Dance

They dance the dance.
It is new to them,
But others have danced it before
And others will dance it after.

The dance of courtship.

This time, it is different
It is special,
Because they are the actors.
And this is the first time.

Each thinks the other too good for them
Neither can believe their luck

They talk for hours on end
and sometimes say
The exact same thing
at the exact same time.

Neither likes to be complimented,
Yet each compliments the other
And so begins this really cute
dance-within-a-dance
The dance of self-deprecation
where each will
refuse compliments,
insisting that they're not really
as good
as the other might think them

If only they knew
how perfect they are
for each other.

Clarity

I want to cut through
The tangled webs
us humans weave
And see the truth
in all its glory.

I want to see clearly
past the worthless
notes and coins
that this world
hankers after.

I want to see clearly
The humanity common to all
and connect with the...
the real person
The soul hidden by its actions

I want to see clearly
the tools of the devil
and the way he works
That I may protect myself
and others.

I want to see clearly
past the limits of language
to a realm where
everything worth saying
is said silently.

I want to see clearly
the problems of others
That I may forget
about my selfish self
And help others.

I want to hear clearly
past the words that people use
So that instead of just listening
to their words
I listen to their souls as well.

I want to envision clearly
the consequences of my choices
That when faced with
the vicissitudes of life
I choose the best I can.

I want to act with clarity
and perfect integrity
So that when examined,
in thought, word or deed,
there is no inconsistency

Turbulence

Turmoil rules.
and chaos is king.

The hurricane is powerful,
destroying everything in its path,
the edifices of man
stand no chance
against this beast.
But in the centre,
Where the eye is,
All is calm.

The sea is turbulent,
With waves as high
As anything man creates.
The poor souls caught
in this display of power
Now believe in a God
When they were unsure before.
But below the surface
If you go deep enough
The turbulence of the surface
Has no existence.

This, then,
is how I should be
No matter how turbulent
The exterior may be
Whatever the circumstance
There's an inner core
That should be immovable
untouchable.
You know you'll have it
When you act the same way
in benefit and loss.

Love

Tears stream down my cheeks
Every time I hear your tragedy
But they are only ever so few
Is this love?

I salute you everyday
Not knowing that
I need your permission to do so
Is this love?

I remember your tribulations
When I encounter problems
But I still complain
Is this love?

To propagate your message
I try to make artworks...
But I only ever share them with a few
Is this love?

The answer should be yes.
But is it?
I know
When I salute you
You can see into my heart
And know the truth
and witness the discrepancy
between the words I say
and the life I live.
Until they match
you know
and I know as well
the real answer
is no.

I say
"Peace be upon you"
But how can a sinner
send blessings
onto a saint?

Where is that purity
of thought, word, and deed,
That exemplifies
those who truly love you?

Will I ever reach that stage?
You know, as well as I do
That the potential is there.
So I wait for the day
When I can be your representative
and not a burden to you

Then I can truly say
That I love you.

Repentance

The sinner stands on the prayer mat.
What arrogance he has
the audacity to sin
yet still go on the prayer mat
And seek forgiveness.

But if the mercy of the Lord
was limited to saints only....
We would all be in trouble.

This time its different.
The same words as last time
But this time he means it.
And seeks a way to show
his sincerity, yet his helplessness.

There is no need for words, though.
The heart communicates silently.
And he knows he has been forgiven.
The tremor in his heart tells him
The tears in his eyes tell him
he is happy at his tears
for they tell him that
his heart is no longer hard

He is now free

Hypocrisy II

Who is the one
who writes
the noble stuff
yet lives the
fake life?

Who is the one
who does well
in impressing others
but knows
he's cheating himself?

Who is the one
Who is smart enough
To play the piety game
For long enough
without getting caught?

Who is the one
Who is yet
to perform that act
of true value
and perfect selflessness?

Who is the one
Who tells people
he's no good
but they refuse to
believe him?

Who is the one
Who even when
talking about hypocrisy
still manages
to be a hypocrite?

Who is the one
Who knows
he would be better
without a tongue
yet speaks freely?

Who is the one
For whom anything
is too good
yet more and more
keeps coming to him?

Who is the one
Who acts like
He doesn't fear
being raised on the day
With two tongues?

Who is that sad, sad soul
for whom
one must surely feel
an equal mix
of pity and revulsion?

You know exactly who.

The End

Will I be taken today?
Am I ready?

I'm tired of this world.
Its fake, shallow, superficial.
I'm tired
at the arrogance
with which
my fellow man
walks on the earth
and the self-importance
he gives himself.
I'm tired
at how easy it is
for the Devil
to do his work
and alienate
the innocent
and helpless

I'm guilty of all I say...
And so...
I'm also tired of myself
and the way i keep
on falling
into sin.
and being
an agent
of the evil one

The soul yearns
for the embrace
of death.

But no.

I have a job to complete.
Debts to pay.
Charity to do.
People to make up with.
And I hope and pray
That I'm not taken
Before it is done.

The soul still yearns.

The only solace
is the book,
the examples
of the perfect ones,
and the company
of like minded people.
Maybe if I'm lucky
I shall be blessed
with someone
who thinks likewise
and together we can
untie the ropes
that bind us to this world
and start tying them
to the next.

Perfection

So you want to be perfect?
Seriously?
OK
There's the book.
And those are your role models

Go.

Keep with both
and you cant go wrong...

but I have...again
My fault
It is only ever
My fault.

Why is it so hard
to be on the right path?
Why is it
that the things I did
which I thought were right
were actually not so
But I don't see this
until later
When it turns out
i was just being
stubborn
and self-righteous?

I have to
rise above
legalistic Islam
and get into
the true spirit
There was a time
when the letter of the law
brought out the best in people
now its just cultural
to stop the worst elements
of people
from showing itself.

Just once in my life,
I'd like one day
to be flawless
Perfect

But will it happen?
Will I ever have a perfect day?
or will my eyes let me down,
that i would have been better off blind?
Maybe my ears will let me down
That i would have been better off deaf
Or maybe it will be my hands
So it would be better if i had none.
Or my mind,
that i would be better off dead.
That way I cant sin anymore.

But no.
This is part
of the challenge
of life
constantly striving
for the pinnacle
yet always never
able to touch it
claim it
and be done

Presence

Awake.
Alert.
Alive.
Alone.

In my sanctuary.

Appreciating the blessings of my Lord.
And failing
to do justice
to the Most Just

As if it was ever possible.....

The silence is pure
The silence is holy
The silence is deep
The silence speaks its own language.

A deeper sense of perception
Means I see more
Appreciate more
Than I normally would
But it's not enough
And it never will be.

I attempt
to see past
the emptiness of this life.
Its there....
you can't see it directly.
but you can feel it
insights come to you
that can't be
explained with words
but silence will do

I can just about sense
The battles being fought
In the deepest recesses of the heart
The private battles
that have to be won
each day
every day.

I begin to contemplate
On a different plane
Will I do good today?
Or will I just
Rationalise good deeds away?
Will I be taken today?
Will I able able to
carry this sense of presence
with me today?
Or will I let something trivial
distract me?

Tough questions
And the answers...
well
The answers shall reveal themselves
in due time
and I will deal with them when they do

For now
I'm content
with the silence

The 40 Day Challenge: Post Mortem

I think its only right that I start the inquisition with the question phrased in absolute terms:

Was I able to dedicate myself to Allah for 40 days, such that Allah saw fit to allow springs of wisdom to flow out of my heart, and onto my tongue?

The answer is no. Not by a long way. And I could have done a whole lot better. And I'm blaming no-one but myself.

Not that I'm trying to justify it, but I always knew it was going to be tough, nigh on impossible for me to do this, at least first time round. And I alluded to this in the original post. What I have done this time, is set a base, a lower limit, beyond which I am determined not to fall. And as I go through successive challenges, I aim to set the bar progressively higher. So whilst there might have been an absolute, black and white failure, its not so bad.

There have been positives.
I have prayed some extra, fasted some extra, and recited more Quran than I normally would have.
I have increased presence and concentration when I pray, and don't talk as much.
I have a half-smile on my face almost constantly.
I notice a lot more when I walk around and stuff.
I have noticed benefits in my life - it may be that they were always there, and I never saw them, so blind was I until this challenge, or that they have come because of it, or that there is a totally unrelated reason.
I changed my online name on a few forums (not really something of value, but I felt it did some good as part of a wider change).
I got promoted to chatmod on SC (but is it a poisoned chalice? I'll find out soon enough)
I got laughed at by a baby.
I got a free exfoliation and nail buffing from a woman I never met before, that I didn't want, or ask for (yes, I'm counting this as a benefit, because it was free).
I made loads of art, with some help.
I got accepted by the three places I applied to for post-graduate study.
I wrote my will
I applied for one job only, and got it, which I found by chance [or was it?].
I've had less trouble with bills.
I wrote my first ever article.
I wrote three poems (Three!!! I still don't believe it)

There are some negatives as well. I put myself under a microscope, and critically analysed myself, and, well, the result wasn't pretty. I realised, that despite talking less, I still talk a lot of rubbish, and say stuff which I immediately regret, though thankfully I haven't had adverse effects yet. I seriously need to shut up, maybe start walking around with a pebble in my mouth. Even then, it's not so bad, as a few days after I realised my silence problem, my friend Nadir wrote a wonderful piece on silence that has helped me incredibly.

I am also somewhat worried now. It's only because I've kept my eyes open these 40 days that I've noticed how blessed I have been. What of the time before these 40 days, when I wasn't keeping my eyes open? How many mercies and bounties, large and small, was I heedless of? Doesn't bear thinking about. *Shudders* I need to keep my eyes more open, and reflect more. And be thankful more. And hope I wasn't too ungrateful in the past.

There are, of course, refinements to make. I think I need to be clearer about what I want to achieve, and set some specific targets, by which I can actually measure my progress. This itself came form a productive conversation with HJ, as we discussed whether it made more sense to try and attach a specific action to the challenge, such as fasting, or the night prayer, or something else altogether, or simply trying to create a state of awareness, out of which good actions flow, without being overly specific, which is what I was seeking to do.

Both sides have validity, so I am mixing them. The next challenge shall have a specific action tied in, which shall be one immovable way by which I manifest this state of awareness that I'm trying to build. Eventually the action will become a habit, upon which I can build others, removing less useful ones in the process. The next challenge shall show how valid, or not, my thinking is, InshaAllah.

Next challenge starts in 5 days.

PS: For some reason, I decided to start taking some lecture notes on the series on Negative Thinking by Khalil Jaffer just before I started the challenge. These helped immensely throughout, and I sent some copies of the notes to friends. I wholeheartedly recommend listening to them, and don't mind sending my notes to anyone who asks.

Release

I have a bird at home
A more perfect creature
I have never seen
She is too good for me.

Beautiful, loyal, dutiful
Her song is like no other
yet if you listen carefully,
you can hear notes of sorrow
She is lonely.
Her body belongs to me
Her heart belongs to another.

I want to keep her
but this is being selfish
I will never find
another like her
But what tyrant
stands in the way
of true love?

Go
Be free
Unite with the one you love.

Im just thankful
that, just once,
I was able to
rise above my selfish core
and do the right thing.

Maybe one day
she would have been
happy with me
But there is no point
In thinking about what might have been
When one knows for sure
That it was never meant to be.

Alone

Continuing on, from The Forge....

*********

I sing the song of silence
But I sing it alone.

Surely there must be one
who was purified,
and shaped
who sings the same song
that I do.

And is able
to sing different parts
of the same song
knowing what I'm not familiar with
so that between us
we complete the song.
And yet we may be familiar with
parts of each other's sections
that we may sing in harmony
when we need to

Such must exist
For the same creator
who purified and shaped me
must know exactly
Who would be suitable
enough sameness
yet enough difference
complementary
yet contrasting

Different parts
of the same whole.

Should I go looking for one?
Or will such a one find me?

The master knows all.
And so knows who
And where
And when

I was worried
I was lonely
I was sad

Now I am no longer so.

It will happen
when it is
meant to happen.

I will not doubt the master
The same who
lovingly purified
and shaped me.
And created everything
in pairs.

Now I sing
and sing alone.
But I have no doubt
One day I will hear
The words of my own song
From another.

The Forge...

I am a block of ore,
Vast, untamed, unhewn,
Filled with impurities,
That I have let seep
And mingle with my being.
Potential lies within,
But the impurities,
They wear me down,
And dilute my essence,
So I struggle
I have to become pure,
And solid,
And be given a shape.
That I may fulfill my potential.
And sing
What I was meant to sing.
But how?
There is only one way.
The Forge...

The Forge calls....
But who will shape me?
Who will purify me?
I will
For I must
The only help I have
Is the guiding hand
Of a gentle master
The same master
Who created some pure
and helped others
become pure.

It begins...
I submit to the heat
And the impurities
They bubble to the surface
And those are removed easy.
But some remain,
And these
These are more stubborn.
Why did I let myself
Accept them?
The heat increases
and more bubble to the top
and are removed,
and my essence begins
to coalesce
But it's not enough.
No.
The heat needs to increase further.
That final speck of impurity
Shall require the most effort.
The heat is excruciating
But it must be borne
And finally
It is removed
And I am pure
But formless.

What shall I become?
I must decide now
Whilst I am still soft
I decide
To give myself to my master
And let Him decide
My decision is wise,
For I am shaped
Better than I could do myself
Sharper than sharp
Lighter than light.
I realise now
That whilst I thought I was
Doing the purifying
It could not have been me
And I could never have
Shaped myself.
I just thought I could
Cause I never saw
The hand of the master
Now
I am ready to sing.

I was a block of ore
Vast, untamed, unhewn
Now,
I sing what I was meant to sing

I sing the song of silence.

A Memory

This happened on Tuesday, five days ago.

I'm shopping with mum at the supermarket, and we've split up [this often happens, btw]. I'm pushing the trolley, and she's gone to look for something. I'm pushing the trolley near the checkouts , slowly, and taking the sights in.

I see that there's a young couple unloading their trolley, and they have a child in the child holder-thingy. Its a small girl, and she's not happy that her parents are occupied, and she's trying to get their attention. She's beginning to make some noises, but they're not yet tantrum-ish, though one can see that coming within five minutes or so.

So I slow down the trolley completely, right next to her and give her a look. It not a mean look by any means, just a look. There's a half smile playing round my lips, and I'm trying not to laugh. She looks back at me. One thing about small kids, is that they're not afraid. She looks me right in the eye. Its only a few seconds, but if feels like a lot longer.

And then..she laughs at me. Its a really cute laugh. And I break out into a full smile, and move on. The parents have been oblivious to this, and are startled when she laughs (remember this only took seconds), and chuckle as I move on. Laughter brings laughter.

Its a beautiful memory, and one I'd like to keep.

Ahh...kids. What joy they bring into our lives.

One day, inshaAllah.

Hypocrisy

YOU
Think you are
Sparkling and sinless
Wait and see
Why does it matter
Whether you gain recognition or not?
Who are you trying to impress?
Do you not fear the fire?
Who are you acting for?
Yourself? Another? Or for Allah?
All this
False modesty
False politeness
False piety.
Ahh...gotcha
Piety, huh?
Reading religious books
Listening to lectures
Taking notes, even
Being all sanctimonious.
Being silent
Yet judging people
Giving wise advice
From behind a screen
But where
Is the implementation
In you own life?
The silent walk
An outward sign
Of inward pride
You're just smart
enough
To keep your real self hidden
People like you
Appreciate you
Admire you
If only people knew
They'd stay away from you
Even self-deprecation
isn't done
but to gain respect
and approval
come
Lets dance
the dance of politeness
the dance of respect
But you know
Its just a dance
and you know
you don't mean it
your just playing
no sincerity
just fakeness
falseness
selfishness
Why don't you do
something different
Go out there
and do something
and don't expect
reward
don't expect
approval
don't even expect
notice
But you wont
you're lazy
and a coward
who prefers this
meaningless
life
to the next life
idol worshipper
And yet you still
Cry for Husayn (A)
And beat your chest
but its all hollow
fake
do you really
mean it?
then where is
the sacrifice
in your life?

-----

And so on, and so forth. I could carry on for ages.

This is why I don't mind abrasive people. They have no effect on me. For if I were to start taking a knife to myself, I wouldn't stop. After all, who knows me better than I do?

God help me.

On a Roll..

Maybe its because of the 40-day challenge. Or because I've identified it as a priority against procrastination, and consequently the mind is responding. Or for a totally unrelated reason. Whatever the reason, January has by far and away been the best month for art for a long, long time. In terms of quantity, I think it's only bettered by March 2008. But in terms of quality and quantity combined, hard to say. The output has been just colossal...well, for me anyways.

Stuff I've done:

• Muhammad & Ali
  
• AllahuAkbar
  
• Ya Allah, Ya Nabi, Ya Ali [requested of me]
  
• Labbayk
  
• Remembrance
  
• Light
  

Works in Progress:

• Tawassul
  
• Jawshan Kabir
  
• Ali-Door
  
• Ali-Bismillah
  

What's even better is that I keep on getting new ideas as well, which I have noted, so right now, I'm not unsure of what to do next. However, some are so good, that they're going to be quite hard for me to execute, that I might just give them up altogether, or pass them on to a proper artist to do [see, for example, the Ali-Door one]. This is where not only does the message matter, but the technical ability to convey the message matters as well, and as such, I either improve my technical ability, or give up.