Rajab

Rajab is here. Finally. What a difference a year makes. Last year I was impatiently waiting for Rajab to start. This year it has almost taken me by surprise. Nevertheless, the blessed month is here, and I'm already beginning to feel better as a result. There is a definite buzz to the air, and I feel more connected to God than I do normally, which to be honest isn't really saying much. Time is too precious to waste, especially in this month and those that follow.

Today is also the first Friday of Rajab, which makes it two years almost to the day that my grandmother passed away. The difference between that day and this is palpable. That day it rained constantly, only abating slightly for her funeral. I miss her. She was by far and away the best person on both sides of my family, and a true example, to me at least, that the highest reaches of piety are not beyond the grasp of mere mortals. She lives on in the memories of all those she has touched.

...

Out of darkness and into light,
a new man is born tonight.
new soul occupies old shell,
no marks to help the world tell.

the difference lies within
hidden, a new life begins

the sins of old weigh on shoulders new
the burdens too big for one to bear
yet determined he is to make them few
the broken life perhaps not beyond repair.

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hmm. hope is the word. and faith.

Hope

OK...so I'm at a really low point. However, all is not lost as long as I have the gift of life. And I make use of it.

There are some people, who, currently, have done more good than bad. They are in a positive balance. If they died today, they'd be pretty much ok in the next life. There are others who have good and bad in a balance, and for them, the next deed is the most crucial, as it could tip the scales either way. Then there are people like me, who have done more bad than good, and if they were to die today, they would be doomed. No chance at intercesion either. [Do not argue with me - I know this fact to be true, as far as my own status is concerned.]

Redemption for me lies in a life full of hard work. A long life would help here, as it gives me more time to do good, and hopefully work my way into a sort of positive balance, but that is entirely out of my hands. I guess I need to hope. Hope that I can. And, of course, hope that if I fail, I can rely on the mercy of a compassionate Lord.

Epilogue

This is the end of a story.

My story.

To be more accurate, I should call it the end of a chapter, but that doesn't feel like giving the right emphasis to the huge "THE END" which I want to place over this particular time in my life. I feel horrible. And I just want it to end.

The centre of all this is me. I thought I knew myself, but it turn out that I had everyone fooled, including myself. Now that I know what I really am like, I don't even trust myself.

It'll be a while before I have faith in myself, and my old self-confidence comes back.

At least, from this low point, the only way is up.

Trapped

...

still pondering how I managed to fall
wondering who put up these walls
too easy to blame the people in my life,
or blame circumstance for my strife.
the simplest answer the hardest to find
would be obvious if I wasn't so blind
too short sighted to see my own fault

Thought I had grown, never expecting,
I would end up prisoner of my own.

now trapped I am, by my fall,
no escape till I break these walls.
brick by brick, the arduous journey begins
requiring strength both outside and within...

[END]

***********************

maybe i'll find out more
what I really stand for.
what I'm really like
whether i like what i see
whether i really can stomach
looking at myself in a mirror

we'll see