Dreams

I bid farewell to my dreams of old
equal parts of piety and gold
dreams which I myself mis-sold
and in their pursuit tried to remould

I wrote them out in three different ways
making sure that they do not stay
one went to wind, another to waves
and of the third, only ashes remain

A blank page before me, white and pure
waiting patiently for dreams anew
maybe these will be worthy of pursuit
as I bid my old ones adieu

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Another weak one. Apologies

Moving On..

The heart is like a magical tablet upon which the names of other people get to be written. The order in which they are written is different though. Not alphabetically, or chronologically, but in an altogether more relevant way. People are ranked in order of the emotional intensity you feel for them. Both positive and negative. You have people you like, and dislike, and love, and hate. I dislike very few people who I meet in my day to day life (can't actually think of any right now), and hate nobody, though I did get very close two years ago, and was saved through the sage advice of wise friends. Hate is a poison- stay away from it.

I did think that I had processed and expressed all the negative feelings regarding the person in question, but it looks like I was wrong. Some news I got yesterday released some feelings it would appear I had repressed, and I got dangerously close to my low points of two years ago. Were I still plagued with self hate, this probably would have manifested into something quite ugly. Alhamdulillah for that, if nothing else.

Quick to follow were intense feelings of sadness and pain, and then a venting of them, followed by a sense of numbness, and the smallest feeling that things will get better. I feel subdued today, but will probably be back to my usual self soon enough. (The cup final tomorrow should help as well).

I hope that this is the end of the chapter for good. For all I know, the person in question has changed for the better, whilst I remain in a state of relative stagnation.

Meh. It will be over soon, and I hope one day to be able to say...that I once knew a person by that name.

Leadership, Teething Trouble

I was promoted on the strength of my past performance, my enthusiasm and dedication, and whatever potential my managers saw in me. But now I'm responsible to managing a small team, and my perspective has had to shift. Put another way, I'm not worried about my own game, but being responsible for the game of others, is somewhat challenging. I will grow into it, I'm sure, but I would be naive to expect that this transition would be quick and painless. Knowing that INTJs are supposed to be good leaders, makes me think I'm missing something, or maybe I'm just not as INTJ as I thought I was.

My problem, as I see it now, would be that when times are good, then I don't have to do that much, just focus on my own performance, as such, and keep operations running smoothly. However, what do I do when things aren't so good? And it's related to the individual performances of a few members? I don't have it in me to be mean, so I'm sure that there has to be some way I can raise the performance of a few others when they're flagging in a gentle, guileless, manner. Targets are important. They keep you focused. But I never want to make them more important than the people I'm responsible for.

Ever.

[Fiction] Secret Keeper

A wishing well? Why would I want to be a wishing well? Aren't there enough of those already? And what would I do with all the coins that would come my way? Mostly of which are going to be coppers, or foreign? Nahh....real job fulfilment comes from being a keeper of something more that just coins. Secrets. That's what I keep, and I'm pretty good at it too.

Actually, I'm the only one, which means I'm the best. (Being the only one means I'm pretty much any superlative quality, so I can be the best as well as the worst, but I try not to dwell on the negatives). Hundreds of years people have been spilling to me, and I've kept every single one. Some just come here and think about what they want to unload, but I know what they're thinking. Some actually talk out loud, feeling as if they're unloading to someone. They are, but they don't know who to. And some had a flair for the theatric, and wrote them on paper. People write to remember, but these wrote to forget.

It is, of course, true, that burdensome secrets, once shared, are halved. And so all of them, all who thought, or spoke, or wrote, found their hearts lighter. If they felt that they had actually shared them with someone....well, they would have been half right. A person, no; but a presence, yes. A few idiots still thought then, as a few still think now, that I was a normal wishing well, and tossed a few coins in. I used to be annoyed, but I saw their thoughts at the moment they threw the coins, and roughly half of these wishes were secrets as well, and so in a sense I was still having secrets shared with me, and was satisfied. The rest, I maintain, are morons.

I've done this for more than a few years now, and whilst you would think there would be recurring themes, there isn't really that much to go on, except for one major thing. More than half have been inspired by guilt, though they need not be - people think that they are worse than they are, or have done things worse than they think they have, especially to the people closest to them. A few poor souls have even gone so far as to think they are unforgivable. Poor souls indeed. For most of them, the obvious answer would simply be to go to the person, and ask forgiveness. But I can't tell them that. I can only take their secrets, and help them feel lighter.

Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you.

What ails you? Your secret is safe with me.....

An Old Quote....

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

-George Bernard Shaw

Something I haven't read or ruminated on in years, but I randomly remembered it yesterday.

Alhamdulillah

I got promoted at work today. I started this job as a way to get some more money at uni. Two years ago. I've been out of uni since June '09, and whilst I did look for other better-paying jobs, nothing materialised. So I put my head down, and worked with enthusiasm and dedication. And it has paid off - if nothing else, whatever your job, display the same, and you'll be fine.

I don't know if I'll stay, or what my future holds. Only God knows. All I know is that I'm grateful today. Very grateful.

Alhamdulillah.

Football II

I dine at football's top table tonight
as the blaugrana play the red-and-white
two teams keeping total football alive
in systems that help the attackers thrive
consummate artisans of skill and poise
play each other in cauldrons of noise
silk and steel, and blood and thunder,
filling onlookers with awe and wonder
as all football fans will say that day;
this is how it should be played...

------------------

Or at least, that's what I'm hoping it will be like. I wrote (IV) about how my previous football poem acted as a sort of cathartic release for me, and allowed me to stay away from getting too involved in football. Which is kinda what I needed at the time. The prospect of this match has me buzzing, however, and I am back to my football-following ways, if only for a short while again.

My two favourite club teams will play each other on Wednesday night, and again in 3 weeks time. They play a brand of football unmatched by others, where pace, precise passing, technical brilliance and creativity mix to create chance after chance after chance. If I had to pick one match to show what I love about football to someone who doesn't like football, this would be it.

If you can, please watch it. You won't regret it.

(Now that I've said all that, it will probably turn out to be an ultra-defensive, extremely stale affair. Please watch it anyway)

Two Sides of Me

I warily walk between the divide
that separates between heart and mind
not yet knowing if by design
whether these two should be entwined

The first to develop, a gifted brain
arbiter of all that is wise and sane
playing easily with numbers and ideas
but few of its grand designs remain

the late bloomer be the poets heart
playing with words, less science than art
connecting with others in ways that spark
leaving small residues as their mark

Squabbling and quibbling forever are they
One leaving when the other stays
Refusing to co-operate, in every way
Contributing to each other's decay

Though they fight, I still choose both...

One day I'll quell these two sides of me
and place them both in service of He

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A weak effort. Sorry - but I had to write something

Ahlulbayt TV without Sky

YES!!!!

I always thought the only way to get ABTV in the UK was through Sky. No more. If you're in the UK, you can get it as a Free-to-Air satellite channel, using a FreeSat setup, though finding it is a somewhat technical and convoluted process, requiring a little patience and a little more time.

Of course, you do need to have a satellite dish already installed, pointing to 28.2E, and a capable receiving box (any FreeSat box should theoretically do), but from then on it's relatively simple. In a nutshell, all you have to do is set the box to scan for any and all free channels, and it should pick it up, along with a whole host of others. Brilliant.

There are a few downsides. One is that you can only see what's now and next. There is no 7 day programming guide, but I can get that on the web anyway. And a one-touch recording of a series on ABTV will not happen. There are a few kinks to iron out regarding being in "freesat mode", and being in "non-freesat" mode, and the limitations of each, but I'm happy to live with them.

Alhamdulillah.

The Post Mortem

Has it really been 40 days? Already? It seems that these aren't enough, but they are up. As per usual, now is when I mentally go through the past 40 days and evaluate my progress towards the tough, tough goal. Initial impressions are that it won't be as successful as the first, but, thankfully, not as bad as the second, Alhamdulillah.

As I wrote earlier, so I visit the rules again:

no msn-ing, no gaming on my iPhone, no movies or TV shows, minimal forum posting, and possibly less blogging

The one that I can say I managed to keep best of all was the gaming one. I signed out of Game Centre at the start, and didn't sign back in until I started to write this blog, and then remembered that I was signed out. Strangely, whilst I was kinda hooked on the games, and especially on getting achievements before I started, I didn't miss them afterwards. I guess it's not that important to me anymore, and though I have a decent-ish enough collection of game apps to keep me entertained (48 at the last count), I see them only as distractions now. I will probably spend a little time gaming, but nowhere near as much as before.

Msn-ing was different. I have a few friends on gtalk, and a few more on msn. I doubt I talk to more than 10 people in total via instant messaging, but I didn't anticipate that I would be asked to come online again so frequently - which I eventually ended up doing. Evidently I'm more in need than I thought I was, which is perhaps a good thing, but I made sure I stayed away from idle chitchat (mostly).

Movies/TV shows was easy. I avoid the TV anyway, except for news and sport, and can remember only breaking this a few times, for shows that were almost, but not quite worth it. I'm not sure they ever will be... in this respect, I'm glad I don't watch it much anyway, and intend to cut down even more.

Foruming was different. Within one day, I was asked to become an admin for one forum, and chatmod for another. Of course, I said yes to both - an excellent chance at least to see if my time management skills have improved, and a chance to be of more use than I was at the time (as a side note, if you want me to do anything, just ask, and I'll probably say yes anyway). I'd like to think I'm doing a good job for both, though I could always improve. As for forum posting...I know I cut down a lot, but still have the feeling that maybe I should have done more.

Blogging...well...see for yourself. A few posts, but hopefully these have more depth than the usual. I have ideas in my head for a few more, so we'll see where that goes...

I have also managed to integrate one supererogatory act into my daily routine, and am glad I have. I fell the difference in having done so, and especially felt the difference in the 4 days that I didn't do so (I won't reveal what it is, but, imagine something that doesn't take up much time, and can be done at any time). I also set myself another goal, which I'll keep hidden for now, but got nowhere near achieving it. I know I can do it, but this will take some effort on my part, and a more intelligent application of my time - growth comes with stretching yourself, but I think this one was too much of a stretch considering the time I allocated for it. inshaAllah soon.

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This is the third. I'm honestly doubting whether I'll put the fourth online 10 months from now. I'm not sure at what point these change from "Look what I did!! you can do this as well!!" [inspiration] to "Look what I did!!" [bragging]. I guess it all comes down to intention, but I still don't want these to be interpreted the wrong way. We'll see closer to the time.