2010

In this post, I'll be measuring how I did with regard to my previous years resolutions, and then putting down my other observations and musings for the year gone by. You have been warned in the previous post, and I'm doing it again, that this will either be acutely self aware, and help me grow, or be intensely vapid and self absorbed. Read at your own peril.

I set 8 goals across 5 areas of life, and you can read them here.

Creativity:

I'll start with the easiest to set, and remarkably, the easiest to measure. "Create what comes...." what a beautifully, deceptively simple goal, which lays no blame on me if nothing ever does come. As it happens, something did - this is my output for the past year:

January. 3 poems
February. 3 poems,
March. 50 haikus, one poem
April. 10 haikus, one fiction, one poem
May. 10 haikus, one poem
June. 3 poems, one fiction
July.  7 poems, one fiction
August. -
September. 3 poems
October. 5 poems
November. 2 poems
December. 5 poems

Total: 70 haikus, 34 poems, 3 fictions.

I can't count haikus with the other poems because they have a distortive effect, so I'll count them separately. Also, I think I'm done with my haiku writing phrase, though I still love how in some cases 17 syllables is more than enough to convey a deep message. I might experiment with other styles later. Fictions are harder to measure - my style may be improving, but I haven't written enough to tell. What I haven't done is made any fresh artwork or videos - maybe I need to put a little more focus into that - last artwork was almost exactly a year ago, last video something like a year and a half. What I have learnt is the importance of getting poems down on paper as soon as possible - I went and culled at least 10, maybe more, old ideas for fictions and poems and whatnots, just because I wrote the bare fragments of them down, and later when I returned to them, was no longer as inspired to write them. As a result, towards the end, I began to write and post poems as soon as I got the ideas for them, which is no bad thing, as doing so keeps my mind ready and vacant for the next bit of inspiration. Overall though, I'm happy with what I've done in this area over the past year.

Spiritual:

I have mixed success here. I failed to integrate a supererogatory act into my daily routine, even the smallest. I wrote about this earlier, and am determined to never let than ever happen again. As regarding missed prayers, I made some progress, but not much, but where I am happy is that I've finally caught up my missed fasts. Any more fasts that I do now outside the Holy Month of Ramadhan, I can do solely for the pleasure of Allah, without the nagging feeling that I need to make up any more. That feels awesome. I'd love to reach the same stage with regard to missed prayers. I look at the list I've made, and shudder, but I know it's possible, and I hope to be given enough time on this earth to make them up, and then be able to not have to choose between, say, salaatul-layl and making up missed prayers. inshaAllah.

Physical Health:

I do not finish the year more healthy than I started it, but I do not finish the year less healthy either. I didn't incorporate an exercise regimen into my life either. I just measured my resting heart rate, just-just-just now, and found it to be 62 bpm. Not bad. I wish I had measured it when I was setting last year's resolutions, so I could measure this year's progress. But no matter, I know what it is now, so maybe if I set a health related goal, I'll use this. I am grateful for the health I am given, more than most things, and especially grateful that, though I've had minor illnesses and injuries (colds, sprains, a gnarly-looking cut on my index finger which has left a cool scar, etc), I've yet to take a day off work for being ill. Alhamdulillah. Whilst I'm not happy I haven't progressed, I accept that this year other things were perhaps more important, and am grateful for having not regressed.

Mental/Intellectual:

I did not read the 75 books that were in my house - I ended up giving quite a few of them away almost straightaway (more on that later). However, though I have read fewer books in this year than I have in previous years, this is more than offset by the quality of books I have read. Ender's Game, The Little Prince, Notes to Myself, The Book Thief, For One More Day, Shadow of the Wind, Walking, The Secret Life of Bees, and a few others have been truly exceptional reads, and make up a good proportion of my recommended reads. I actually don't know if I hit my target of between 25-40 books for the year, but if I didn't, I'm sure I got really close to it. I'm satisfied with this area.

Lifestyle:

When I initially began to write this, I thought I had made no progress in this area regarding minimalism, but looking back tells me this is not true. I have got rid of a lot of stuff. Gone is the library that I built in my teens, which at one point I am sure numbered a couple of hundred. I knew it was finally decimated when I gave away the last of my Harry Potter books. Now all I have is a couple dozen, which I cannot bear to give away, no matter what. Also gone is a large amount of furniture, and a ridiculous amount of cables and trinkets that I have accumulated. However, I would have like to have got rid of a lot more, but I realised the hard way that I can't do that right now. As much as I want to get rid of a lot of cluttery stuff, I can't because other people in my family want to hang on to stuff for other reasons. As such, I can't really do much except focus on my own stuff, and if I carry this resolution over to the next year, that is what I will do. I'm satisfied, but only just, in this area.

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So, 8 goals, across 5 areas of life, and I hit 4 or 5 of them. Ideally, I want 8/8, but I'll take this.

Other thoughts:

This year has been set apart from the others by a lack of significant externally set milestones. A year ago, I had just finished my degree, the year before I was almost done, etc, etc, all the way down to 5 years ago when the year ended with me facing my final 5 months of A-Levels, and so on. In other words, if you look at my year's progress through the conventional means society uses to measure success, I'd probably be called a failure. But that's to miss the point. In the absence of externally set milestones, I'm able to set my own, and in hitting these I am more satisfied.

I've had some weird experiences, especially with deja-vus. Not enough to warrant calling it something serious, but enough to prey on your mind. I keep on randomly having a sense of precognition, where I feel I'm about to re-enact something I've done, or seen before, maybe in a dream or something. Except I can't remember quite what it is. All I know is that something in the moment made me feel I was seeing/hearing/feeling something all over again. More often then not, I had a sense that something bad was going to happen, and I modified my behaviour accordingly, and nothing did. Maybe it was the extra boost of self-awareness that did it, or maybe nothing was going to happen anyway. I dunno. The other freaky thing is that I keep on seeing the numbers 786 and 313 as I go about my daily life, and more often at work. I have no idea why, but it may well be because these numbers have a special significance to me as a Shia Muslim, that by brain picks them out and alerts me to their presence. Or it may be something totally different. Again, like the deja-vus, not too many, but enough times to intrigue you.

And then we have music. My old foe, and onetime confidante, and escape from the world. It is approximately 40 months now that I decided to give up music for good, and delete my meticulously crafted and collected library. A shame, then, that the 40 months have not been solidly music free, but dotted with periods of having given in to temptation again. I have no intention of going back, but I get tempted way too often.Of course, being able to recall lyrics and guitar solos with perfect clarity though it has been years since I listened to them is a curse that I must live with. As it's a curse of my own making, I'll bear it with equanimity though, and I sense that slowly things on that front are getting better.

One thing, however, tops out the year. I don't hate myself anymore. Alhamdulillah. Time, and a few rock-solid friendships have healed me, but I can't quite explain how. I don't know what happened, but recently, I just felt different, and I knew it was gone. Well, mostly gone. I have one element which remains, which relates to me and marriage. But that's for another day. Right now, that I have beaten this, is enough for me. I thank again the special five, without whom I would not have been able to say this right now.

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That's my 2010. I hope yours has been interesting, and helped you grow. Writing this has helped me learn some valuable lessons regarding what works and does not work, especially with regard to motivation, and I hope to implement that in my choices for next year's resolutions.

Thank you

she slipped past my weak defence
And wrote her name on my heart
disturbing it from its place of rest
and running away as it fell

slowly I picked up the pieces
and tried to set them together
when yet another broke through
and I had not the heart to fight

But this one was nice and gentle
and put my heart back together
A healer with the deftest touch
rubbing out the name of the other

And then she stood by my side
and we conversed for a while
but the one I wanted to stay
ended up having to go as well

"Thank you, oh kind stranger
for mending my wasted heart
Your gift will live on with me
for long after you depart"

Life goes on, and I am hale
and nothing remains the same
But one thing I wish remained
I never did get her name....

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For the 5. Thank you.

Attention, Information, and other Associated Thoughts

I'll start with information, and it's related cousin, experience, and distant relative, wisdom. (now THAT'S a weird family)

Information is important, because it guides decisions. Simple. With a certain amount of information, you would choose to do one thing, and maybe if you learned some more, you would choose to do one thing. Example (because I love a certain fruit company waay too much): You're about to buy an iPod in August, and I tell you that Apple always unveils new iPods in September (which is true, btw). You'd probably wait for a while longer. In this case, having more information has led to making a better decision (you hope, anyway). And that's the idea: more information should lead to better decision making. It's why I love data-collecting Apps like Account Tracker - the utility of these increases as you use them more. I say should, because this is not always the case, and I'll lead to that later on

There is perhaps no theoretical limit to how much information that you can gain when pondering something, but there is almost always a practical limit when considering something, beyond which any information gained is not worth it in terms of time lost pondering the said information. It's a trade-off which sometimes has to be considered, though not always. Sometimes the relationship between the amount of knowledge you have about something and the odds of making a good decision will be linear, sometimes exponential, and sometimes like a law of diminishing returns. In these cases it is up to you to decide what the relationship is, and then decide whether or not you want more information.

There is, of course, the problem of too much information. Of course, given the choice between having too much information, and too little information, I'd pick too much. Still, "analysis paralysis", as it is handily called, does exist, and at this point you probably have enough information to make a case for two or more mutually exclusive decisions, and have to pick between them. Normally, more information is not forthcoming, or not worth it in terms of the time you will lose, so you have to make a decision there and then. In that case, if there are more than two, eliminate the weaker ones until you have two left. This is almost always possible. Then, when you are left with two, and you still cannot decide, go with your heart/soul/intuition. That is correct. "The heart has its reasons that the reason knows not of", as Pascal says, and in going with what you feel to be the right course of action, you find that it was the right decision to make, even if it may not have seemed so at the time. In fact, even if it was the wrong decision at the time, it will still be the right decision, so to speak, because, approached with the right attitude, you will have learnt and grown from your mistake.

Which brings me to experience. Experience is knowledge, yes, but of a different kind. It is knowledge that has come from doing, and as such, is not just theoretical, (though it may have elements of that), but also practical as well. Information is all very well and good, and so is studying, but it has to be acted upon, and acting upon it brings a better kind of knowledge than book-learning. With doing, there will be mistakes, but this is part of learning too. The old joke goes that experience is the name men give to their mistakes, and this is funny because it is true (Exactly what women call their mistakes, I have no idea). Experience also brings about a kind of confidence that is hard to mask, and a refinement of technique that no book-learning can bring. I mean, I'd rather go under the knife of a surgeon who has 500 operations under his belt than one who only has one. It's hard to emphasise the importance of actually doing something. Our lives are dynamic, and choosing to do puts us in control of the growth that comes, instead of having it forced upon us.

Wisdom is tougher to define and measure, but it definitely comes with experience, and with age. The best I can say is that it's an ability to tell the best course of action without having as much information as you would like - a combination of instinct and experience that sometime will lead you to the best results even if initially it seems counterintuitive to start with. Going one further, perhaps it's the end of a cycle where first comes simplicity, then complexity, then simplicity again, but the second type of simplicity runs deeper than the first.

Attention is a different beast altogether. In giving my attention to something, I am excluding pretty much everything else. I'm a male, so the most I can have going on at the same time is two, maybe three things. As such, it is important to keep your attention on what is important, because what you focus on is what you will gain knowledge on, and experience with, and later, hopefully, wisdom about. It's hard to emphasise how important this is as well. You could give your attention to anything, and as such, you have to make sure you are focusing on the one or two or few things that are the best for you to focus on, which will lead you to the most growth, and help you fulfil your maximum potential.

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I write this for you, and for me. For you, perhaps, this may be of use, and sparks maybe a new way of looking at knowledge. For me, well, I'll be reviewing 2010 and setting down my 2011 resolutions, and thus it's probably important that I keep these thoughts about knowledge, experience, and attention at the fore of my mind as I am doing so, and thus gain from writing both, no matter what happens after. Keep an eye out for the two posts to come before the year is up - they will either be useful, or vapid. Could go either way, honestly.

Christmas

The holiday is now twisted to suit our desires
As we hail the birth of the promised messiah
Born in land claimed now by a tyrant state
though important to all Abrahamic faiths.

Todays ceremonies bring some unease
original purity tainted by disease
Christmas comes dressed in commercial garb
As retailers and e-tailers fight for your coin
and the gift-buying hordes your feet do join
Gift-giving once a sign of the time's spirit
Now something that feels shallow, fake
an act done purely for its own sake
what you buy, or own, or give, or get...
these things don't define you, but yet
God help you if the wrong gift you bring

and yet.... and yet...

Witness the tranquil calm of Christmas Eve
and think back to how it must have been
and warm your heart by the fire of the selfless
who in attending to the homeless and desperate
raise the spirits of their fellow brethren
of the tainted message, something special remains
and the phrases ring true, though be they clichéd
Peace, and love, and goodwill to all men
If only I could get the world to wish the same....

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Merry Christmas all. Enjoy the holidays, and I hope your new year is blessed and fruitful.

Here you may reach, but no further

When she walked into my life
I foresaw no trouble or strife
yet instinctively I begin
to set boundaries between
just in case, you know?
and you never really know...

She crossed the line.
So I pulled her aside:

"I intend to be no cause of pain
myself I will not cease to blame
were I to bring about any shame
I give you now a very clear sign
please don't cross this drawn line
here you may reach, but no further"

She didn't listen

"I am touched by your faith in me,
but the real picture you don't see,
An alluring surface, but no depth
our souls don't even walk in step
So, please, for thy good and mine,
please don't cross this drawn line;
here you may reach, but no further"

She didn't listen.

So I began to reason:
Better a little pain now, than much later
so quieter and colder I became toward her
no further did I allow her to get
until finally she upped and left
and then I realised my mistake,

In trying to protect her...I hurt her more

I sought her again, hoping without reason
that I'd be forgiven despite my actions
and I explained my failings and reasons why
waiting with bated breath for her reply

She turned to me, with fiery eyes
fixing me with a small, sad smile
and replied with exactly one line:

"here you may reach, but no further"

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Intended as an alternative retelling of He & She, with a more ironic, or more melancholy ending.

Baby Socks

I cradle you gently in my arms
As you breathe in rhythmic sleep
From me you will never be harmed
So I pray your slumber is deep

Our Lord has blessed us with a child
An unbelievable gift to his slaves
In your very details I am beguiled
This gift I surely will not waste

Soon you will start to walk and talk
and reflect in play what you see
In me I hope you reflect no flaw
to model the best do I dream

I will help you to be kind, gentle
And develop at your own pace
The love of thy Lord I will kindle
and the rest will fall into place

Later still your wings you will spread
and leave the cocoon of our home
hopefully by then you'll be prepared
to swiftly pass through, not to roam

With this world you will tussle
For such is the lot of His slaves
Yet you'll make light these struggles
by keeping an eye on your grave

My love for this tiny bundle grows
as I watch you dream and sleep
with me you'll always be home
this promise I undertake to keep

In Servitude

I've shed my tears, and more will come soon. But with these tears, a change must come too.

The companions of Imam Husayn (as) gave their all to protect and serve him. I need to start thinking of ways in which I can do the same. I have been blessed with quite a few talents, Alhamdulillah, but only rarely can I recall putting these in service of Allah and his AhlulBayt, (as).

The balance needs to go the other way, and over the coming days and weeks, I'll be giving serious thought to the ways in which I can give myself to this cause more completely, and in ways that will make a difference.

In servitude, inshaAllah!!

Baynol Haramain

Heaven lies....
Heaven lies at both ends of that path
At one end Husayn (ع), the other Abbas (ع)
The king of martyrs and his standard bearer
In death, as in life, always together
Waves of people make this their shore
And in their movement we see ebb and flow
Back and forth along that blessed path
The twin golden domes, just minutes apart...

People may leave, but their hearts remain
As they pray for the chance to return again

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1 - For two days now I have felt this to be incomplete. Rather than leave it, I post this, but am not content.

2 - InshaAllah this the beginning of a new direction in my poetry. Imam Husayn (ع) deserves the best, and I will try.

The 40 day challenge III

The time has come again, and after the mixed success of the first one, and the disappointing fail of the second one, I wasn't sure how I would approach this one. I had good intentions, yes, but they were not backed up with solid, demonstrable actions, and as such any growth never came out of the flourishing, nascent stage. I even toyed with the idea of not even trying this year, but no. That I failed so badly last time, and have been given another chance this year means I must seize the opportunity with both hands.

A chance to evolve in the way of Allah (SWT) exists all the time, I admit, so I could technically do this at any other time of the year, but it feels right, for me anyway, to attempt this in the upcoming days, as I will have freshly calibrated myself to the message of Imam Hussain (ع), and woken my heart again to what human potential can achieve.

I want to write more, on what I specifically hope to achieve and other such ruminations, but words fail me. And perhaps it's better that way.

That Hadith again:

Whoever dedicates himself to God for forty days, will find springs of wisdom sprout out of his heart and flow on his tongue
- Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)
InshaAllah.

Muharram

for you, O Husain (ع)
hearts will continue to break
again and again

Muharram is coming....
Muharram is coming....

Muharram is coming, and soon, in the days and nights ahead, all of my troubles, and worries, and ambitions, and projects, and goals, and, well, everything, will fade away to total nothingness. All that will be left will be the message of eternal revolution and supreme self sacrifice for the pleasure of Allah, and some questioning and querying as I seek to implement Muharram's message in my life.

I have a problem. There are times when I see all too clearly all that I need to do to sort my life out and improve myself drastically. Normally these times overlap with periods of (relatively) high spirituality, such as the trifecta of Rajab, Shaban, and the month of Ramadhan, or the mourning period of Muharram through Safar to Eid-e-Zahra (as). But then, these periods go, and slowly I get dragged into the world of pointless distractions and soulless acquisition, and in the end, have little to show after a few months. The world beats me yet again, and the cycle starts over again, and I will be older, but no wiser.

I don't want the end result of this period to be the same. InshaAllah it won't be. And in order to help myself avoid such again, like the month of Ramadhan, I'm going to withdraw into my cave again (so to speak), to focus on what really matters. The rules will kinda be the same - no msn-ing, no gaming on my iPhone, no movies or TV shows, minimal forum posting, and possibly less blogging. I know I'll write 3 more posts for this year:

- A review of 2010
- Resolutions for 2011
- The opener for the now traditional 40 day period (see the ones for Muharram 1430, Muharram 1431)

That's all I intend to write for the remainder of this year, and I'll be content if I do all that. Maybe I'll write some poetry as well, or some more serious, high-level thinkery posts, but doing so would be a bonus.