Wrapping up my Life

My mum and I were traveling to family for Eid, and ended up behind a truck with a full load of logs. I'm sure they were bound securely, but they certainly did not appear so. I wondered abstractly, If they were to fall and crash on me, and possibly kill me, whether I would complain to my Lord about dying so young. I knew that I would not, and that any resistance on my part would be purely reflexive. If it is your time to die, it is your time to die. Nothing can be done about that. As I was pondering this, the loads on the truck shook slightly, but I wasn't nervous. If it fell, it fell. Mum, however, did decide then that the time was ripe to overtake the truck.

I reflected later, that though I would not have fought death, I would have regretted dying, particularly at this time. Not because I'd be going in the prime of my life, nor because I have so much to that I want to see and do. All good-ish reasons, of course, but they count for nothing in the grand scheme of things. No, my regret would be that I haven't done enough good to die just yet. My account is empty, so to speak, if not in negative.

And yet, I think, perhaps if I were to die today, then that would be a blessing, for it would prevent me from sinning tomorrow, and making my station in the afterlife worse than in is. In any case, I am alive today, for better or worse, as I write this, and have to make the most of it. Which brings me to something I wrote less than a year ago, when my grandfather passed away. In essence, as I wrote and felt then, so I write and feel now, though not much progress has been made, if any. I want to wrap up my life, in so many words, that were I to die tomorrow, I would not have unfinished projects, messes and the like left for others to clean up.

I have missed prayers and fasts to make up, and extra prayers and fasts I want to do on top. After a year of dithering, I still have my will to write. I have debts to pay off. These take obvious priority. I want to reform my soul. I want to trim my possessions to the point of minimalism. I want to start projects such as intellectual growth and skill acquisition with the knowledge that they can be easily wrapped up should I not make it to the finish. All of the above are just different expressions of one main aim. I need to turn my life around, and do so much, to the extent that, whether I die tomorrow, or in a year's time, or ten years, or whatever, I won't regret, and will be happy with going at my alloted time.

Nemesis

I saw him...
My nemesis
Across a crowded street
easy to keep him in sight
once I found him
he was wearing the same clothes
that I was... audacious
and I followed him
determined to confront him

Finally I'd be able
to face the reason behind
my diseased mind
my wasted heart
my broken soul

I followed him
(for it was definitely a he)
eventually into a dark room
and found it empty,
filled with smoke.

In vain I searched
Till I saw a figure shrouded
smoke obscuring his face
Knowing it was him
I strode forward
and found myself
looking at a mirror

the message was clear enough
my nemesis was myself

***************

In a way...
I always knew it

...

I planted my flag here,
And ripped out my heart,
All that I had,
My prized possession,
And offered it to my Lord,
Only to see it rejected
for being too hard.
So I took it back,
and hurled it against the wall,
and saw it shatter,
its hardness making it brittle.
I wept,
and picked up the pieces
and examined them
and found them black inside.
I collected them all
and built a fire
and put the pieces in
and raised the heat.
They melted, and burst into flames.
Brilliant blue, then white, then invisible
If the pieces could scream, they would.
Slowly the black was burned away
as the residue of sins evaporated.
Now my heart is my own,
And I struggle to keep it clear.
Hopefully it will be accepted
next time.

Proficiencies

I'm into cooking a lot. Its a skill I want to learn. Upon reflection, there are lots of things, that I have decided that I want to become proficient in over the next few years, as part of my personal development. This is the list, which I will edit as I decide whether to keep or delete or add more pursuits.

Improve Poetry Writing
Cooking (obviously)
Prose Writing
Photography
Learn Arabic
Video Recording + Editing
Improve Computer Graphic Skills
Drawing + Painting
Website Design (HTML, CSS, Java, Flash - the whole bunch)
Computer Software Coding and Design.

That's it for now...with each of these I want to become proficient at the very least, my own definition of which is to be good enough not to need an expert.

InshaAllah...

Farewell

I was listening to a recitation of dua wida yesterday, and I wept. It started at the beginning of a particular passage, and I reflected later, that the Imam (as) describes what it feels like perfectly. The month of Ramadhan is going, and it really is a month of mercy. It has improved me, and to compare where I would have been headed were it not for the blessings of this month is not pretty. Not that I've made much progress, but I feel I have halted an negative slide, and the timing was perfect, another sign of the genius of my Lord.

It is going, and I wish it were not so. It will be harder to maintain the pathetic level that I am at after it goes. I intend to fast and pray more after it goes, but it won't be the same. The words of Imam Sajjad (as) in the dua saying farewell to the month say it better than I ever can. The following is the passage that touched me so...

Peace be upon thee,
O greatest month of God!
O festival of His friends!

Peace be upon thee,
O most noble of accompanying times!
O best of months in days and hours!

Peace be upon thee,
month in which
expectations come near
and good works are scattered about!

Peace be upon thee,
comrade
who is great in worth when found
and who torments through absence when lost,
anticipated friend
whose parting gives pain!

Peace be upon thee,
familiar
who brought comfort in coming,
thus making happy,
who left loneliness in going,
thus giving anguish!

Peace be upon thee,
neighbour in whom
hearts became tender
and sins became few!

Peace be upon thee,
helper who aided against Satan,
companion who made easy the paths of good-doing!

Peace be upon thee -
How many became freedmen of God within thee!
How happy those who observed the respect due to thee!

Peace be upon thee -
How many the sins thou erased!
How many the kinds of faults thou covered over!

Peace be upon thee -
How drawn out wert thou for the sinners!
How awesome wert thou in the hearts of the faithful!

Peace be upon thee,
month with which no days compete!

Peace be upon thee,
month which is peace in all affairs!

Peace be upon thee,
thou whose companionship is not disliked,
thou whose friendly mixing is not blamed!

Peace be upon thee,
just as thou hast entered upon us with blessings
and cleansed us of the defilement of offenses!

Peace be upon thee -
Thou art not bid farewell in annoyance
nor is thy fasting left in weariness!

Peace be upon thee,
object of seeking before thy time,
object of sorrow before thy passing!

Peace be upon thee -
How much evil was turned away from us through thee!
How much good flowed upon us because of thee!

Peace be upon thee
and upon the Night of Decree
which is better than a thousand months!190

Peace be upon thee -
How much we craved thee yesterday!
How intensely we shall yearn for thee tomorrow!

Peace be upon thee
and upon thy bounty
which has now been made unlawful to us
and upon thy blessings gone by
which have now been stripped away from us!

It goes without saying, though, that the second I felt proud, about being able to cry, the tears dried up. I still have a long way to go.

You Chose Me

You chose me.

I don't know what you saw
Or what you still see
Maybe you see
the pain in my eyes
and think
you can heal me
Maybe you see
great potential
and think
you can inspire me
to great heights
Maybe you see
incredible compatibility
and think
we'd match each other
perfectly.
Maybe you see
someone too harsh
on himself
to ever be harsh
to anyone else.

Whatever the reason
It doesn't matter
It won't happen.
I won't let it
I am unworthy
You deserve better
than someone
who won't be able
to reciprocate.
My heart is wasted,
and a risk not worth taking.
I cannot be selfish
and take someone
who dazzles me
who will do me good
when I offer nothing
in return.

Get out
while you still can
before I drag you down
and find someone
worthy of you
who will treat you
the way you deserve
and make you happy.

Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine

Lantern of the Path, Chapter 14: Showing Off

Do not show off your actions to someone who neither gives life nor causes death, and who cannot take away from you your burdens. Showing off is a tree whose only fruit is hidden association of other gods with Allah, and its root is hypocrisy. The vain one will be told on the Day of Judgement; 'Take what you consider to be the reward of your actions from those you took as your partners with Me. Look to those whom you worshipped and called on, from whom you entertained hopes and whom you feared. And know that you cannot conceal anything inside of you from Allah: you will be deceived by yourself.'

Allah said,

يُخَادِعُونَ اللّهَ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَمَا يَخْدَعُونَ إِلاَّ أَنفُسَهُم وَمَا يَشْعُرُونَ

They desire to deceive Allah and those who believe, and they deceive only themselves and they do not perceive. (2:9)

Showing off most frequently occurs in the way people glance at others, speak, eat, drink, arrive somewhere, sit with others, dress, laugh, and in the way they perform prayers, pilgrimage, jihad, recitation of the Qur'an, and all outward acts of devotion.

However, he who is sincere towards Allah, who fears Him in his heart, and who sees himself as lacking even after he has exerted himself with every effort, will find that Allah is contented with him as a result, and he will be among those whom one expects to be free from showing off and hypocrisy, provided he continues to be in that state.

******************

Something I really need to internalise. Am I showing off by posting this? gah.

Cooking

I don't know exactly where its come from, but I'm really into cooking right now. I want to make lots of things, and experiment, and build up my skills, and proficiencies with different appliances and styles, and methods of cooking.

I've started through the making of cakes and nut butters, and I want to make more. I've set myself a target of learning 40-odd dishes in a year - roughly under one a week, from scratch to finish.

I'm also going to use this page to document what I've made, and the first time I made it. What will go on here are dishes that I have completely done myself from ingredients anyone can buy at the supermarkets, and so stuff like ready meals, and oven ready foods will not go in here, though obviously I know how to make them, as will food that someone else has partially prepared for me to finish off later. If I were to add these, I could add loads more, but this is about skill as well, so I will not. Beverages also I will not put here. Some will be variants of a dish previously made, but I'm going to include them anyway, as each variant is my attempt and tweaking and experimenting...some will come out ok...some will not. All variants will be coloured.

I should mention that, being a man, the kitchen does get messy, and that I don't particularly enjoy doing the dishes afterwards. Meh.

I will update this page every time I make something new. As already mentioned above, the dates which I put in here are the first time I make the dish.

-------------

23/08/09 Madiera style plain cake
04/09/09 Cake with almond paste*
06/09/09 Almond butter.**
06/09/09 Cake with desiccated coconut and almond butter.
10/09/09 Cashew nut butter.
14/09/09 Pasta bake.***
17/09/09 Pasta bake II
19/09/09 Chocolate sponge cake****
27/09/09 Chocolate sponge with a layer of melted chocolate on top.
02/10/09 Peras §
06/10/09 Tuna pasta bake
11/10/09 Barfi style peras §
16/10/09 Tuna pasta bake II ±
17/10/09 Tuna pasta bake III ±
29/10/09 Ciabatta style pizza with sardines
29/10/09 Barfi style peras.

* I failed at making almond butter, so I put the paste-ish result into a cake mix. Turned out well. As you can see, I succeeded a few days later
** Delicious!!
*** This was awesome...I had no idea what I was doing or if it would work. Turned out fantastic.
**** Too much cocoa, otherwise awesome.
§ Not perfect, but I'm happy
§ Failed, so saved them by making them into ordinary ones. Still delicious either way.
± Too much pasta. And too much flour. Yet delicious. How I mess up so many, and yet they taste excellent is a mystery to me. Ah well.
±A refinement on the above. Love it...this recipe is now officially settled :D

Your Sword

Slay with the sword of wisdom
The doubt born of ignorance
That lies within your heart
Eradicate with the sword of light
The darkness born of fear
That feeds upon your weary soul
Dispatch with the sword of reason
The questions born of ambiguity
That challenge your very being
Quell with the sword of hope
The terrible cries born of despair
That strangle your inner spirit
Arise a warrior reborn
And with your shining sword
Carve out the life
You deserve

Nope, not by me. I found this on a friends blog. The image that accompanies this is just amazing. Diginatii is the name of the poet who wrote this.

Have a look at the original image.

Also, I really like this piece. He has a lot of work on the web, and a large amount of it is unfit for those who wish to lower their gaze, and guard their modesty. I gave up looking at his gallery because of the number of times I had to avert my gaze. As such, I won't be linking directly to his work...those who wish to see more should just search on google.

Selfishness in Selflessness

What ails you?
You hide it well
But I can see
the hurt in your eyes
Its easy to spot
for one who knows.
The morons around you
remain oblivious though
fooled by your calm
when turmoil rages within

What ails you?
That you seek to hide
behind a protective screen?
Who has hurt you?

I'm probably no good
or not worthy
but your hurt
hurts me
let me help
and try to allay
your pain.

Perhaps in helping
to heal another
I can finally be
of some good
to someone

Come to me

I saw you struggle
It was only momentary
but I saw it.
You hesitated
and didn't know
what to do
and looked to others
for approval.

Poor child!

Don't listen to them
and never worry.
Just be yourself.

If you were with me,
I'd make sure
you never have to
struggle like that.
I'll give you
all the love
you need to grow.

Be free.
And never worry
about those
who would take away
the natural inquisitiveness
of a child.

The Lament of the Poet

I want to write something fantastic
And I know what I want to write
It is in my head somewhere.
But when I I put pen to paper
words escape me.

The beautiful words
The amazing message
of faith, and peace, and love, and hope
I only know peripherally
out of the corner of my eye
but when I focus on them
they hide

I have an inkling
an outline shadowed in smoke
it slips away from me
as I try to catch it.
It would be stunning
If only I could write it

But who knows
when inspiration strikes
and I eventually write
whether it will be worth
me having written it?
Will I have succeeded
In my struggle for meaning?

If only...

He loves the idea.

The idea of crying
to your Lord
in shame
for mercy

He loves the idea
more than he loves
the act of crying

He has seduced himself
with the image
of his repentance

How very pious
he must be

And surely
when the time came
he was like an actor
playing his part
and crying

But
he is showing off
nobody is watching
yet he is showing off
for himself

If only he truly meant it
from the heart

If only..

I am

I am my own worst enemy...

I know my weaknesses
and how to exploit them
I know my strengths
and how to nullify them.

I know my lofty intentions
and how to debase them
I know my intelligence
and how to defocus it

I know my virtue
and how to turn it to vice
I know the power of my will
and how to divert it.

I am the starter of unfinished projects
I am the talker, with no authenticity
I am the loser, pretending to have won
I am in denial, with my eyes shut
I am sabotaged by the one who knows me best

I am also
the one who will win
eventually

I will call upon
the help of my Lord
and slay the enemy within.

La Ilaha Illallah

La Ilaha Illallah
Say it
and repeat it
again and again
and again.

La Ilaha Illallah
Slay the minor idols
that have taken up
residence in your heart
and occupy your attention

La Ilaha Illallah
if you succeed,
you now have to
focus on the big idol
your own soul

La Ilaha Illallah
if you worship
out of fear of hell
or in desire of heaven
you still worship your own soul

La Ilaha Illallah
Purify yourself
and struggle every day
to worship
The One True Lord.