I Don't Belong

I've been feeling kinda down since my grandfather passed away [please recite a sura fatiha for the benefit of the deceased]. Of course, death will come to us all, and its not about him going that I'm down - no one can question the wisdom of Allah.

but

I feel different. More than ever I sense that this world is fake, and the real world awaits. Maybe its the after-effect of listening to these lectures.

As an aside, in the Majlis given by Syed Naqvi after the burial, there was a wonderful analogy he used to describe the fact that death is inevitable. Imagine that one is a leaf of a branch during the autumn. One sees a fellow leaf fall. And another. And a third. It's not hard to connect the dots, so the leaf knows it will fall as well. And so it is that another obvious lesson is drawn from nature, only ever picked up by those who sit and contemplate on these things. Beautiful, eh?

Anyway, on the first Monday back I went early to uni, and looked at my [quite lengthy] to-do list...and thought...what's the point? If I can go at any time, as indeed I can, then surely I should not waste it when worship would be a better spend of my time. But then I also knew that I had committed to this course, and work is worship as well, so I should carry on. caught in between these two ideas, and consequently suffering from an analysis paralysis, as well as still feeling quite down generally, I ended up doing nothing. A whole day gone, wasted.

I looked around me. The place was teeming with other students happily chatting over beverages of some sort, or, in the odd instance, actually working. They don't seem to care about death. Truly, ignorance is bliss. But this only seemed to reinforce the feeling I was sensing..that this world is fake, and the real world, and real happiness awaits. I also felt a corresponding sense of alienation...I don't belong here.

I feel now that I have to wind up my affairs as much as possible, so that, were I to go suddenly, It would cause the minimum amount of trouble for my family. I have to finish my will. And start paying back debts that I owe. I have to make sure I never pass up opportunities to do good. I have to always be aware of time passing. I have to get rid of a lot of my possessions.

I have to live up to Sermon 193. I will try to find solace in prayer and solitude.

But what of my long term goals? I have to structure them in such a way that were I to leave half way, again, it would cause the the minimum amount of trouble. I also have to pick only goals that are worth long term commitment.

But this raises another question. Bearing in mind the inevitability of death, and its unpredictability, what long term goals are actually worth pursuing? You might die tomorrow...why get married? Why commit to a 3 year degree course? Why pursue anything?

but

Looking at the lives of the Prophets and the Imams (as)..they all carried on with life, despite being more aware than either of us could ever be about death, and its inevitability, and unpredictability. All of them. I have to be careful not to allow this...this...newfound awareness of death become an excuse not to do anything. A sort of cowardice, if you will. I distinctly remember a hadith where a person asked an Imam (as) whether it was better to live alone and commit no sins whatsoever, through prevention, or living as an active member of society, where the potential/opportunity to commit sins is magnified. The answer was the latter. Jihad (struggle) over abstinence/isolation, in other words.

I guess my answer to my own question would be that it is no use worrying about the time of death. It is predestined. You will die eventually, and not knowing when is part of the test of this life, for if everyone knew when they were going to die...well, then the world would not be a place where we are tested.

As such, carry on with your life, and follow your projects, and try to achieve stuff, but keep this heightened awareness of death.
And only ever give your time to projects that are worth it.
And have faith that you will be taken at the time that is right for you. Allah knows all, and this would mean that there is wisdom in taking someone when he is in the middle of something.

I wrote this as the thoughts came to me, and so I guess that they lack any sort of refinement that a properly thought-out, planned post might be expected to have. Maybe it is normal for people who have experienced a bereavement to temporarily feel this way. I dunno. Maybe people who have recently become bereaved, to become contemplative, in order to try and make sense of it all. Again, I dunno.

All I do know, after all this, is what I have to do.

I probably will come back and look at this post in a couple of weeks time and see if I still feel this way.

Please pray for me, on the off chance that you actually read this far, and, for course, for my grandparents.