The Monologue Before Slumber

As I lie, in relative ease
Hands crisscrossed behind my head
Staring at the ceiling
Waiting for sleep to take me
Maybe I can steal 5 minutes though
If I'm lucid enough
For reflection in solitude
To account the sins of the day
And give myself a grade
Nothing too harsh, mind
Never below a “D”, shall we say
Maybe some days I've acted worse
But I can always rationalise-
tell myself rational lies
- and convince myself I'm ok
I acted the best I could...
I'm self-deprecating too
Pretending to be humble
So never above a “B” either
Yet always hoping in every case
Tomorrow I'll be better
Do better, think better

I wait for sleep now
But will it be my last?
Ready for sleep, yes.
Ready for death, no.
No will made as of yet
Under my pillow
Too many things yet to do
Sins to repent for
Obligations to make up
And of course
In what might be my final moments
I resolve again
To change my ways
That if I live in the morning
That following night will definitely be different
A bald-faced lie
I know that all too well
As the inertia of habits and laziness
Keeps me as I am
For the time being at least

Still,
Though I don't wish it
Though I say I'm not ready
If I die tonight
I'll accept it
(no choice really)
But I accept it anyway
Never mind
The half-finished projects
Or my own inflated self-worth
Or that I'll never taste
The sweetness of marriage or children
*sigh*
If it is decreed so
Then I accept
And ask for mercy.

More than five minutes now
Eyes beginning to droop
Something else important I meant
To focus on
Never mind -
I'll remember in the morning
...
Goodbye, World.

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This whole poem is in itself a bald-faced lie. I have never reflected before sleeping, despite always wanting to do so, and always deciding every day that I will reflect every night before I sleep. Maybe that will change soon. Maybe.