22

For a few years now, I have told my family not to celebrate my birthday. And thankfully, they haven't. Most of the people at work didn't even know today was my birthday, and those that knew, know that I don't celebrate mine, though they think it odd.

The truth is, I don't see anything worth celebrating. I haven't done anything of note in the past year, and am now a year closer to the end of my life, with little or nothing to show for it. At least, I can be grateful that this is not like my last birthday, where I was feeling down, and at the beginning of embarking on probably the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. That's all sorted now - it was painful and chastening, and cost me a lot, but I deserved all of it. Lesson totally learned - never, ever try to justify as good what you know in your heart to be bad - else prepare for a messy, ugly ending.

My thoughts today have been occupied by some very distinct, very different feelings. One is a wish to go back - just four years- and redo my life since then. I think of all the mistakes I've made since, some minor, some major, and of all the time I've wasted. I know its not going to happen, so I guess the feeling must be linked to some deep dissatisfaction with how I've run my life since. I don't feel as strongly about this as I did last year though. The second is a wish to see more, to do more, to be more that I already am. I am sure there is more to life than I have seen, and I want to spend some, if not all of the rest of my life, marvelling at the wonders of this created world. There has to be more to this life than my current routine allows me to see. The third is linked to the passing of a year - I am older, yes, but cannot with any conviction say that I am wiser. I am also not any more prepared for death than I was one year ago. I'm yet to sever all the ties that keep me bound to this world, most of which are debts to pay, be they material or spiritual. I am not hapy that I have let them build up, but the past cannot be undone, so I will deal with them the best I can instead, and try to pay them off before I am taken. The fourth is linked to the nature of plans and planning. When I was 17/18 I wrote a huge list of life goals and ambitions. One of them was to be married (!) at 22, and another was to have kids by 25. I can only laugh when I look at it now - men may make plans, but God is the best of planners. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but have full faith that if my plans don't work out as I intended, there is some greater good involved.

All is not gloomy today - I think I will bake a cake later on tonight. Who else can say they baked a cake on their birthday? Of course, I won't be doing it to celebrate - definitely not. I'll just be doing it to make sure my cooking skills aren't getting rusty. As you do. The fact that I'm doing this on my birthday is totally coincidental.

Honest.

Edit: No baking tray = no cake. Nevermind. Next year, maybe