The heart is like a magical tablet upon which the names of other people get to be written. The order in which they are written is different though. Not alphabetically, or chronologically, but in an altogether more relevant way. People are ranked in order of the emotional intensity you feel for them. Both positive and negative. You have people you like, and dislike, and love, and hate. I dislike very few people who I meet in my day to day life (can't actually think of any right now), and hate nobody, though I did get very close two years ago, and was saved through the sage advice of wise friends. Hate is a poison- stay away from it.
I did think that I had processed and expressed all the negative feelings regarding the person in question, but it looks like I was wrong. Some news I got yesterday released some feelings it would appear I had repressed, and I got dangerously close to my low points of two years ago. Were I still plagued with self hate, this probably would have manifested into something quite ugly. Alhamdulillah for that, if nothing else.
Quick to follow were intense feelings of sadness and pain, and then a venting of them, followed by a sense of numbness, and the smallest feeling that things will get better. I feel subdued today, but will probably be back to my usual self soon enough. (The cup final tomorrow should help as well).
I hope that this is the end of the chapter for good. For all I know, the person in question has changed for the better, whilst I remain in a state of relative stagnation.
Meh. It will be over soon, and I hope one day to be able to say...that I once knew a person by that name.
6 years ago
Yes, it is incredibly sad and weird how people who were such an important part of your life can become a fading ink stain in your heart. But it's for the best, I suppose. I still can't get my head round that aspect of life.
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed for the best.
ReplyDeleteThe cup final was no help though.
(I'm so sorry... I'm really behind on commenting because I had three exams this week and my browser decided to be absurd when I tried typing all this earlier/yesterday...!)
ReplyDeleteI hope things are a bit better insh'Allah... and if you ever happen to want to talk about anything or nothing in particular, I'm here.
Please don't beat yourself up. You took an incredibly brave approach by owning up to your feelings rather than running away from them, even if the latter would've spared you a lot of short-term frustration/pain... You know how sometimes, if you fracture/break a bone and it doesn't set correctly, doctors might break it more so it heals the right way? I think hearts might follow a similar principle.
(Okay, sorry for the grotesque analogy... I guess exam week makes me morbid lol.)
That first paragraph was very nicely written, by the way. Wouldn't it be something if those names could be written in pencil instead of permanence, a la 'Eternal Sunshine'? But I guess we already know that'd be disastrous... Everything has its right place in creating us, suffering included.
Hang in there, Imran. You're already stronger than you know. =)
Thank you, for all of that, and don't worry about not commenting earlier =)
ReplyDeleteLOL - yes I understand.
Thank you. I'd love to lift the first lines into the opening lines of a piece of fiction, but I don't know what would follow it.
Such is life, I know this line my roomate was always saying, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. =)
ReplyDelete