Reflections on a Thought Experiment.

I was going through a moral thought-experiment in my mind (as you do), and randomly the idea of someone observing my thoughts as I worked out the variables hit me. I arrived at a conclusion to my thought experiment, in a way that didn’t reflect favourably on me, and the observer told me “You disgust me.”

My instant response was ”I disgust you? I disgust myself”

To which the observer said nothing. I don’t think she* could have said anything more; I had already trumped her. I didn’t hear from her again.

All of this was in my head, and happened in a fraction of a second**.

It’s one of those moments that you experience in a random way that alters the way you perceive yourself. If the ‘watcher” in my head doesn’t have a favourable opinion of me after seeing the way I think, how does my Lord perceive me? How does my Imam (aj) perceive me? Am I being a hypocrite by appending (aj) after his name? Do I really want his hastening, or is that just a force of habit?

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It is said that if you ask a man what he is thinking of and he says “nothing”, he may well be speaking the truth; where as it is impossible for women to answer the same truthfully.

I’m not sure it applies to me any more. It was a time when I was able to be perfectly still, and think of nothing, but I haven’t been able to do this in a very long time. As my life has become progressively more busy, I always have something to think about. Something to _have_ to think about. I’m not sure I like this.

My mind jumping from idea to idea, thought to thought, without any pause for rest is beginning to wear me down. I need a break.

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* I don’t know why, but it was definitely a she.
** It’s hard to explain sometimes just how quickly the human brain can work. Truly a marvel