I'tikaaf, Shahr Ramadhan 1435

I am lucky to have engaged in I'tikaaf (the practice of seclusion in the mosque) for the first time two years ago. In fact, that year I count that month of Shahr Ramadhan as the best that I have lived through, yet. Not only was I lucky enough to attend congregational prayers at the mosque 5 times a day for the majority of the month, but I resided as the guest of my Lord twice. For more on what I'tikaaf is, please read this article.

I should probably warn that, as with the Iraq blog, writing about this will make me sound better than I am. Again, I can only apologise; my Lord knows full well exactly what my true status is. I certainly had no idea that the experiences of a few days would end up with me writing over 3,000 words. Again, I'm writing to document this for myself; what I chose to do in the masjid, and my own personal experiences and reflections will by their very nature be different to those that other may choose to do and experience, even given the exact same opportunity, and given the exact same time and place. Everyone's destination is one, but their journey is different. If this is of benefit to anyone else though, then please do pray for me. I am always in need of duas.

Those two occasions in 2012 were something I am eternally grateful for, for it is in attending those that I formed and strengthened the friendships that are now a big part of my life today. The first was the "official" one organised by the masjid, where 5-6 guys of various ages stayed the same period of time, and the second was more of a spontaneous thing, where me and my friend H decided to join a second "session" as others were leaving. Thus me and my friend H were with two other people on the first day, one other on the second, and by ourselves on the third.

This time, however, I would be all alone, due to being unable to schedule my holidays to match the designated dates set down by the mosque. Thus, no partner to keep me company in my seclusion, so this would be like a total retreat. I was expecting something different as a result, and I was definitely looking forward to it.

QURAN

I decided early on that my main focus whilst I was in seclusion would be to recite the Quran as much as possible - I was behind in my target of reading the whole Quran in the Holy Month, something which I had never managed before, so I set myself a target of reciting 20 Juz in the 3 days that I would be there.

As I read more, I found I was able to read faster, and I decided relatively early in, that when I was alone in the masjid completely, with nobody else present, I would recite loudly. Any why not? Let the Word of Allah resonate around the House of Allah. Again, as I did this, more and more I was able to read quicker and more fluently. I was immensely thankful for all the times my mother made me practice my Quran as a child in East Africa - at the time I considered it a chore, but now it had paid of handsomely. Alhamdulillah.

I achieved my target of 20 Juz before Maghrib on the third day, so Alhamdulillah. My own reflection on this was that whilst I was grateful to have reached what I primarily set out to do, had I not been so lax in reciting the Quran in the earlier part of the Holy Month, I would have been able to engage in other forms of worship and reflection in my 3 days there, but that's moot now. If I am blessed with the chance to experience seclusion next year, I will try to address this.

WHISPERING & WANDERING

One thing I found myself doing which disappointed me in the early days was that I found my mind wandering. My own mindset was that whilst I was in the masjid I should not even think of anything in the outside world, but my mind itself let me down. I had left my phone off and at home for 3 days, and whilst I had let everyone who mattered know I would be away, I still worried at times that I was missing out on something crucial, something important, something urgent, maybe there would be an emergency that would leave my loved ones helpless, etc. It turns out I needn't have worried.

I was all set for food on the first night, as there would be food served at mosque that night. For the second night, I had asked my friend to bring me some food, and he told me he would. That should have been the end of that, but nevertheless I still worried. Again, I needn't have.

The worst were when my mind worried about incidents in the past, which I would not be able to change, and hopeful dreams for the future, which again did me no good in seclusion, for I was unable to even act upon them. Even worse, I then skipped to words filled with anger and hate, that I wish I had said to a few people who are no longer in my life. I guess I still may have had unresolved anger issues towards them, but I was particularly shocked by the (remarkably clear) nature of the vitriolic things I wanted to say to them. Mixing anger with my ability to play with words let to some combinations which I knew would be emotionally devastating, should I ever actually say them to anyone. Perhaps it is a good thing they are no longer in my life, a blessing, if you will. I haven't exploded in outward anger towards anyone in years, but this showed me that I still have to work on myself.

It wasn't all bad; there were times when my mind went on a train of thought, and the result was positive, but it was relatively rare compared to the negative. I came up with an idea for an artwork I want to commission, with beautiful words for a letter I want to write, and with a plan that, if I executed it flawlessly, would allow me to see off all my short term commitments and be able to visit Iran later this year. Alhamdulillah.

This was all during the early days, and they slowly resolved themselves towards the end, though it never fully went away.

REFLECTION #1 - HYPOCRISY

The wandering mind/heart issue began to go away when I reflected on one of the verses of the Quran that I came across in my reading. It was a description of the hypocrites, and the phrasing struck me and stayed in my mind long after I read the verse. The Quran mentions in multiple places that the believers are those who invite to good and forbid evil. In Arabic we all know the phrase, but one time in the Quran it describes that hypocrites as those who invite to evil and forbid good, in which the words used to construct the phrase are exactly the same but ordered differently. As such it was sufficiently different enough to pique some part of my brain, and I reflected on the actual phrasing in the moments when I was not reading Quran.

Have I become a hypocrite? Or maybe I am becoming aware of a different, subtler layer of hypocrisy within myself that has always existed? Readers who are familiar with my blog know that the issue of hypocrisy and being a hypocrite are never far away from my thoughts (I, II, III). I have sinned before in the past, yes. We all have; however, I always used to think that at least I never, or very, very rarely involved other people in my sins. Upon reflection, this may not turn out to be the case. Perhaps in gatherings I have seen an opportunity to invite towards good, and not taken it, or spotted an opportunity to discourage evil, and not taken it. All of which are acts of evil by omission. The worse would be where on occasions where I have actively encouraged or partaken in a wrong act, or actively discouraged a good act. I can think of examples for all of these, and I am ashamed. May Allah help me.

It was in reflecting on these and my own resolve to try and be a better person as a result by removing this undesirable trait that I began to feel some of the whispers go away. Not completely, but it was a start, Alhamdulillah

REFLECTION #2 - TIMING, WHISPERS AND WANDERING

I wrote in my Iraq journal that there was a consistent theme that kept on cropping up - the story of Hur, and the moral of sincere repentance. It felt in some ways like it was meant for me at the time, and whilst I was in I'tikaaf I strongly feel that there was another synchronicity.

The talks being given at the masjid over the time I was there strongly dealt with the issues of waswas (temptation), and it's counterpart 'ilham (inspiration), the differences between the two, the faculties of the heart that accept and reject each, and various other related issues. Finally they ended with advice that gave me hope that eventually I would be free of these whispers. I guess it could just be coincidence that these were given at _exactly_ the same time I was in the mosque for I'tikaaf, and again _exactly_ at the same time when I was aware that I was struggling with such. It's possible, certainly. But I feel that the timing is more than just coincidental, and for that I am thankful.

In Eid Khutba today we were told that the Shaytaan works double in Shahr Ramadhan. The one that is "jailed" so to speak is the inner Shaytaan, but the main one is still at work. So the whispers will never stop, but we can always protect ourselves against him.

THE SECOND NIGHT

The highlight of my stay in the masjid was the second night. Undoubtedly. The first night coincided with an 'amaal night, so the mosque was packed unto fajr time, and I had no problem with that - I had known it would be so in advance. The second night though, wow. The masjid was empty by 10:30 pm, and I was all alone, so I did one of the things that I love to do when I am alone in the masjid - I turned all the lights off, save one light which I kept on - the light of the mehrab (niche). It brings a different feel to the environment inside the masjid. It looks like this:

The volunteers that night also left me with a full kettle of leftover tea, which was a bonus (I do love my tea). That night I spent reciting the Quran and doing other forms of worship, and every so often when I paused I would have a few sips of tea before carrying on. Alhamdulillah. (This past month my appreciation and consumption of tea has definitely increased.) The night ended with people coming to the mosque for fajr salaah, after which I slept a very exhausted but homely sleep.

THE THIRD DAY + CONCLUSION

There isn't much to say about the third day, save that it happened. I spent as much as possible of the day in reciting Quran, but I did note that something special (to me, anyway) happened.

I wept.

To explain - I always use my (in)ability to shed tears as a barometer for how hard my heart is, based on the Hadith of one of our Infallibles (AS). Any time when I am able to weep genuinely, is a day that my heart is not hard. And I wept on the third day.

The first was at a beautiful recitation of the adhan before the afternoon prayers. This elderly Afghani gentleman with an absolutely beautiful voice recited a spellbinding adhan that made me weep, for reasons I know not. As I watched the other people in the mosque, I saw that they too had been moved by this recitation too - they were not weeping, like me, but their faces showed that they had been transported somewhere else. I'd like to think that for those who had been abroad, the recitation took them back.

The second and third times were towards the end of the day, as dua al-Iftetah was being recited, followed by the duas recited in the last 10 days of the month, which ask for forgiveness. Both recitations were recited by young children in a most beautiful way, and this time I felt genuinely in tune with the spirit of both duas as they were recited. Maybe that was the only time I was genuinely 100% sincere in my dua and not distracted by otherworldly issues as I prayed.

Finally, as Maghreb approached, I went into sujood and thanked my Lord for the opportunity to be a guest at His house. I thanked Him for showing me where I needed to improve, and thanked Him for the sense of hope in my heart, that meant that all was not lost with regard to me, and shed a few tears there as well. This is one of the rare times I have felt a sense of pure gratefulness, and I want to feel that more often.

After Maghreb salaah, I walked to the edge of the masjid and paused ever so slightly before crossing the threshold and ending my stay. I hope it was accepted, inshaAllah.

After leaving others asked me how it was being all alone for my seclusion, and I answered that it was definitely a unique experience. Given the choice, I would very much like to do this alone again, but we shall see. Maybe it will benefit me to do the next one in the company of other souls. Maybe I'll form another friendship that will last a lifetime in the House of my Lord. Allah plans best.

VOLUNTEERS

I did not have to worry about food at all, and for that I am always most grateful. The volunteers who dealt with food every night always checked in on me and made sure I was well looked after. I have nothing but feelings of gratitude towards them, and again to my Lord for placing me in a loving community. Their reward is with Him, but I will always pray for them.

REFLECTION #3 - FORGIVENESS (POST I'TIKAAF)

I told my good friend M about how I had struggled with how my mind wandered during I'tikaaf, and about my own approach for resolving it. He agreed with me and reminded me that I need to work more on genuinely forgiving people. I who wish to be forgiven by my Lord for all the sins I have committed in the past, who would wish to exit the Holy Month in a state of sinlessness; I should be more than willing to forgive those who had angered me so, so that my Lord can forgive me. And of course, he was right. This is why I genuinely love him so, and one of the reasons why I am so happy I made the move in my life a few years ago. I should mention that M was one of the people with whom I had done I'tikaaf with 2 years ago, and I am grateful to Allah for bringing such people into my life. Let those who wish to exit my life exit, and exit posthaste - I have no need for those who do not want my company, but please, my Lord, let people like M remain in my life.

REFLECTION #4 - FRIENDSHIP (POST I'TIKAAF)

I went back to the mosque and resumed my recitation of the Quran there, and in the Quran I found this note being used a bookmark. I don't know who wrote it, when, or why, or how it ended up being used in a bookmark. Furthermore, that I am very picky in the Quran like to read from (the ones with clearer font, which map a Juz to every 20 pages instead of 30 pages), and that it was in the section I was planning to read means again that I feel I was meant to read it.

I've got a bad feeling between me and a few other people I interact with. For good reason, or so I would like to think at least. But even then, the onus is on me to act in the best way possible, and leave the rest to Allah. InshaAllah I will do so.

REFLECTION #5 - REFORM (POST I'TIKAAF)

I realised this as I wrote this piece. As long and (hopefully) as wise as I get, I will _always_ have to work on myself. I hope Allah gives me the insight to see where I am going wrong, and the strength to mould myself into what pleases Him.

EPILOGUE

I wrote this in dribs and drabs after I left, finally finishing this on the day of Eid. I write now my feeling after completing the Holy Month, which is that my overwhelming emotion is one of gratefulness. I am grateful to have dined at such a banquet as only my Lord can place for me, and even more grateful for having literally lived for 3 days as a guest at the house of my Lord. I am grateful for having my flaws shown to me, and grateful for the feeling in my heart which tells me that as flawed as I am, the mercy of my Lord still shines upon me. I am grateful for the hope that exists in my heart that knows that I can change for the better, and for the very feeling of gratefulness itself - all gifts from Him.

------

Eid Mubarak. With duas for you and yours.

I