I will attend the programme at my local masjid later on, and with my community here in England commemorate the 40th day after the great sacrifice of Karbala.
I guess that's all I can do from where I am right now.
This time last year I was in Karbala, and as the masaib (lamentative recital) of the day was taking place, I felt a heartbreaking grief unlike any I had ever felt before. Blessed was I to have been a visitor of my master, a lone guest among millions of others, with swathes of people as far as the eye can see who had come to pay their respects.
I miss it. I miss him. I miss my Imam (as). As I paid my farewell visitation to him later that night, I promised I would make him proud of me, the same promise I made with wet eyes to his father a few days earlier on my final visitation to his shrine in Najaf.
A lovely promise to make, full of optimism and hope in that blessed environment, and a promise which I have repeatedly broken since, sometimes with shame, and sometimes without. It may be that this is why I wasn't called back this year. It's possible that there are other reasons, but in my heart I feel this to be the reason why.
InshaAllah I may be allowed the honour of visitation during the time of Arbaeen next year (I'm not picky though - I'll gladly accept an invite to visit at any other time as well). May those among my readers who also wish to visit be granted that visitation too, inshaAllah.
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The days of 'Aza (mourning) are drawing to a close, and this particular year's period has been one of stagnation, or maybe even regression, especially when I compare it to the periods of years gone by, where I managed to implement so many changes during the period, and hang on to them for a little while after the period ended.
And I have nobody but myself to blame.
I can take solace in what I posted for the beginning of the period, perhaps. That it will not be easy, that there are ups and downs, etc. but deep down I know that I can have done better. I should have done better.
It hurts to look back at the past period and see exactly how I could have done a little better. Even a little better.
I'm making a new resolution to start from today to be that little bit better. Even as I typed that I laughed a little at myself and wondered if I was just writing empty words. Then I looked back at the earlier sentence and asked myself... "well, sure it hurts, but does it hurt enough??"
Will I become better? Or am I really just writing empty words?
I honestly don't know.
Time will tell.
Please keep me in your prayers.
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